Life As An Acerbically Tart Adventure
While no credit is given here for the authors or modification of observations by others, anyone interested can google the particular observation for the original author. This permits a musing like this to flow smoothly from one observation to the next, much like a monologue on a late night talk show.
We have all struggled to comprehend the adventure of life right from a young age. While our inherited religion explained God, the suspicion remained that “if there is a Supreme Being, He’s crazy”. And really, pertaining to the most well known evangelical preachers, “”do television evangelists do more than lay people and praise Trump?” But life is always either entertaining, or filled with unpleasant surprises, sort of like “life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.” Sometimes we even feel like “we have lived before, been judged by God, died, and this is hell.” Why do we argue about when life began? Some people say life began for them at 40 or when they escaped from their parents, or after they got divorced, etc. Protection from conception to birth is not enough, we sometimes needed it most from birth until whatever age life begins for us. Protection in our formative years is nice, but “if you want a place in the sun, you must leave the shade of the family tree.” Sometimes that is not so difficult—I got separated from my parents at a park once and I asked the policeman if we would find my parents, to which he replied: “I don’t know, there are so many places they could hide.” We all tend to pray that we could be somebody in life, but maybe “we should have been more specific.” When advised during our formative years that in life you win some and lose some, we often felt like, “Yeah, that would be nice.” Sometimes these hopeless feelings end up in the hands of modern day ‘terrorists’ who conclude that “there are few problems in life that can’t be handled by the proper application of explosives.”
Life can be rough and it seems a lot of people “die young but aren’t buried until they are like 75”. We really tire of being hoodwinked, like “never try to walk across a river just because it has an average depth of 4 ft.” Gender equality is tough to achieve. It seems “the main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots” (who marry the lunatics). Talking to people who disagree with us is like “trying to saddle a cow. You work like hell, but what’s the point?” Some, like me, stay single and live a simple life: “I make the bed, I do the dishes, and 6 months later I have to start all over again.” Seeking a marriageable mate we may end up “seeking someone to make love to while we’re looking for someone to love.” How many times do people chase after someone, get married and then end up with a “fierce desire to be lonesome?” No wonder so many parents, when their son or daughter meets someone ‘special’, may respond: “So what?”. Today, the search for a mate has expanded. Doesn’t help though when one dates a bisexual and is told “you don’t quite coincide with either of my desires.” Back when I thought history always repeats itself I used to “seek out romance with someone with a past and hope history repeats itself.” Birth control was never an issue for me. I relied on my personality. Besides, condoms aren’t completely safe. “A friend of mine was wearing one—and got hit by a bus”. A friend once asked me if I smoked after sex. “How the hell would I know, I never looked.” Some parents warn their children to learn the difference between love and sex. That’s not always good advice. Sometimes sex relieves tension and love causes it. On porn sites today there are like 50 categories of sex to watch. “It seems like kinky sex involves duck feathers, and perverted sex involves the whole duck.” Sometimes a well meaning parent will offer advice to offspring about sex only to have the offspring retort “What do you know about modern eclectic sex? You’re married.”
Sex is not a good long term adventure: if you live long enough sex “is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” ‘Before marriage we are often our own worst enemy. Marriage can change that.” In other words, “love is blind and marriage is a real eye opener.” Early morning marriages are best. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” Some people marry late, want to enjoy their youth. As one late married couple confessed: “We were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” Parents do what they can, but my mother used to call and say “Is everything all wrong?”, followed by “When are you going to grow up?”
After marriage, then comes the kids and this changes a lot of lifestyles: “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they are finished, I climb out.” The highlight of my days when young was pulling some funny ha-ha on some unsuspecting target and make other people who saw it laugh so hard that food came out of their noses. Some married couple delay having children, but they “should have kids when their parents are still young enough to take care of them.” My idol when growing up was Santa Claus. He had the right idea—visit people once a year, alternating who to visit each year. In order to actually influence children--- be sure not to be their parents or grandparents. Parents should not have endless arguments, or one argument that lasts 40 years, before divorce. Hurry up, get divorced, and wait for the regret to set in.
Once an adult and married, a well paying job is essential. You at times will yearn to be free. One way to do that is to tell your boss what you think of him/her and the truth shall set you free. “Free at last”. With no job you might have to become a criminal, which is not as bad as many think. “A criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation.” Social success is important too. This is when social ‘associates’ you met last night are walking around your house naked when no one else is home. But be careful, success has it’s downside: “the penalty of success is to be bored by the people who used to ignore or snub you.”
I don’t know why more people don’t seek my advice instead of writing to Dear Abby. My answer would always be the same: “There ain’t no answer. There ain’t gonna be any answer. There never has been any answer. That’s my answer. Besides, I don’t know, I don’t care, and it doesn’t make any difference. If I want any more shit from you I will squeeze your head.” These acerbically tart insights into life will get us through our formative years, sex, love, marriage, religion, God, and raising children. The other aspects of this adventure called life can wait for another time—if there is another time, considering the current global tailspins from every which direction. Hang on to your hat, it is likely to be a bumpy ride. “I see said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.”
