What to make of sexual harassment/assault/improprieties
If there is any topic more difficult to write about or to reach logical conclusions, it is sex. A lot of sexual matters are outside science or logic. No one, with a particular sexual fetish, can logically explain their attraction via reason or science. This includes myself. No one, in any serious way, spends much time socially discussing their own peculiar sex experiences. I doubt many parents spend much time talking to their kids about exactly what they do in bed sexually as a means to impress on their kids how wonderful sex can be if done just right. I can guess my reaction: “Can’t you just discuss your sex life when I am not trying to eat my oatmeal and then just leave that conversation completely out in the future?”
Of course when it comes to humor, sex is right up there in first place. It is all over the late night talk shows, movies, TV, locker room banter, and a prime focus in fictional novels. Sex, for the most part, gets reduced to one line jokes. Now, all of a sudden, the news is filled with revelations by one person after another blasting people who have committed sexual crimes against their personhood. Hollywood stars are suddenly seeking revenge for those producers who expected sex in return to being given a role in a film or stage act or whatever. Professional athletes and politicians are routinely being accused of forced sexual situations. At the same time, we are inundated on TV, in movies, in plays, in books, and so on as to what an elaborate game sex is. The only firm, straight forward attitude about sex seems to be one that sex is only to be operative as a means for reproduction. Then, I reckon we have a clear cut understanding of right and wrong about sex. Any other use of sex is a sin of some sort. The trouble is, then sex for pleasure is about the only great sin which is a source of constant laughter via jokes. Murder is a serious sin and no one views murder as a source of endless humor.
Everything else about sex starts to get really confusing. If sex with someone you prefer not to have sex with or regret having sex with, is always a serious crime because it can, for some, produce serious mental and emotional damages, then almost everyone has a long list of people who should be arrested and punished for potential bad experiences. Some people will go to bed routinely with people they do not find sexually attractive solely for the monetary income gained. It is simply a boring way (to them)to make a good living (sometimes). Love and sex get all mixed up together in sort of a “what a tangled web we weave when first we start to” assemble our game plan for achieving sexual success. Books are written about how to achieve sexual success with an object of our romantic or sexual desire. Bars are perfectly legal in which the main objective for most of the patrons is to find some desirable sexual encounter. Of course love may enter the picture down the road, and even marriage result, at least until time changes how both or one spouse feels about each other down the road. With the divorce rate at roughly 50% in this country, the success rate is worse than predicting the outcome of an NFL football game.
Well, certainly those with the most attractive physical attributes and likable personalities, consequently having the pick of the crop, will have the most stable marriages. I sense if I were Brad Pitt, then I would put together the best possible marriage which would last the longest. Of course the stats are just the opposite. The easier it is to attract the best possible partner the less likely the marriage will last. In part this just reflects how hard the struggle was to find someone you can really love given the pool of candidates your own attributes can have any chance to attract. If the marriage bonding works out tolerably well, then there is little eagerness to once again be out in the desperate search for a new mate given the difficulty of such a search before, for most people. However much sex may be valued by many people, sex quagmired in love, can be a very stressful aspect of life.
How then, and it does seem important, can we set up logical and reasonable guidelines for sex, love, and the pursuit of either. At first glance it seems easy to just accept what the noble English woman said a long time ago: “I don’t care what kind of sex they engage in as long as they don’t do it in the street and scare the horses.” Others prefer the equally simplistic adage “Thou shalt not commit adultery”—or at various times it was ‘don’t engage in sex or love relationships with people of this or that race, religion or culture’—or ‘just be sure the person is of age’ and so on. But depending on the historical age and culture, the age of a person of age varied. We can probably all agree that sexual practices or love are feelings. So this leaves us with outlawing particular feelings. Now just when has that ever worked? Jimmy Carter once confessed sinning by saying he has lusted after certain others. But he got this ‘truth’ from a source which indicated the proper punishment was to be stoned to death. I can’t recall a single person throwing a single stone at him—so much for law enforcement. Jerry Falwell, the Moral Majority leader, once said an immoral person can be a good political leader. Huh? This fits right in with the oft stated simplistic but motivational mantra that ‘anyone in America can become President’. Unfortunately, it happens.
Then there is the perfectly reasonable enough sounding principle, that any kind of sexual act is ethical if both parties consent. Really? Does this remotely work in reality? Does this make two 12 years old having sex ok? Or legal? And what is to be the punishment? Well, we might say, “They are just not old enough to understand so have broken no laws. They don’t go to jail or be sent away to a juvenile reformatory. But what about two adults who are too stupid to be able to behave properly sexually? I mean, after all, some pretty smart people behave stupidly when it comes to sexual behavior. Sending pictures of your private parts to strangers or non strangers over the internet or via photos seems a bit stupid. Having sex with people whose sexual preferences and acts you have campaigned to keep or make illegal seems a bit over the top. Should we really enact laws which punish stupidity which affects only their own life? If all these are serious transgressions why are they not in jail instead of being elected President or inducted into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot? My guess is that many people, not you or I, have some pretty illogical behavior lapses which we really think should remain private. And if they were to become public, we certainly shouldn’t be jailed for anything which does not affect others. And why is it, that those who preach the loudest about sex and love violations often end up with the most bizarre sex or love situations or even dislike sex? I kind of have more respect for someone who says with exasperation that they don’t understand why they like anal sex hanging from the chandelier or are attracted to feet, or like to be tied up during sex, or watch porno videos 3 hrs every day, etc. The porno industry is one of the most financially lucrative (not to the performers though) industries in our country. It used to be illegal but that only changed where someone got their porno. A Supreme Court Justice ruled, “I can’t define porno, but I know it when I see it”. Well that certainly cleared up the picture and it thus ended up that if a person does not themselves consider it porno, then they can buy it and view it. I am going to take a guess here and suspect that those who watch the most porno videos are mostly in the mass of people who Lincoln called the ‘common folk’ whose physical appearance would disqualify them from being in such videos. In other words, some people have the arousement right in front of them in bed and others have to settle for commercial imagery—at least until 3-D reality visual devices allow us to fit into a contraption which allows us to select a favorite sex symbol and end up being stimulated mentally and physically as if we really are actually having sex with them. That sounds fair enough. Maybe I will try to live a little longer.
I reckon I could make laws about sex and love which would suit me perfect. But if another made the laws, then there would clearly be imperfections. What is happening en masse, day after day, right now, has me rather confused. Some gal or guy pursuing an acting career of some sort outs a producer who demanded sex in order to get the role. And the aspiring actor agrees, gets the role and goes on to become a very rich and successful actor. Now exactly where is the nonconsensual sex? Sounds more like tit for tat. Many very wealthy individuals have trophy wives. In fact, if a spouse doesn’t match in looks their spouse, the alarm bells go off as soon as we see the couple. But on what basis can we make it illegal for someone to marry someone for the affluent lifestyle and just put up with the sex? Sounds consensual to me. When I was quite young I chauffeured for a very rich widow one summer while in graduate school. One day she asked if I would consider marrying her, could have my own bedroom, and have one night affairs. She explained she was just lonely and needed companionship. Should she have been arrested for sexual harassment or maybe a mental disorder or at least have her vision checked? Maybe I should have been arrested for stupidity in not accepting the offer. Or maybe since the rest of her family was filled with successful lawyers, I might have been eliminated by the mafia. Or more likely this is just one more example of sex/love being an irrational part of life. It rarely makes total sense.
We all know that if we were a popular athlete with good looks or even the looks of Dennis Rodman, our access to sex with attractive females/guys would be a full plate. Every time these athletes check into a hotel for a game, the lobby is filled with ‘groupies’. In today’s atmosphere it is more than sex on their mind sometimes. They may have on mind to claim sexual assault, or child support, being accepted as a trophy wife, or just bragging rights to their friends might be their motive. Exactly how is the law to handle this? Same with date rape—in many cases, probably most, if only the two of them were present how can a juror or judge decide which one is telling the truth? Some people, on looks alone, look the guilty one. I know I would tell the judge up front, “I am only going to flip a coin on this one judge, I wasn’t there so how can there be any proof beyond a reasonable doubt?” So what am I saying, that a guy or gal can do anything they want behind closed doors and get away with it? Of course not. That is not acceptable either. For a start, given the ease which, in an inexpensive way, one can wire a recording devise on ones’ person or shoe, jacket, whatever, as ways to garner some proof. So if our boss, male or female, is constantly making unwanted sexual comments in our presence, then we can prove it in a court case. And if this kind of wiretapping is illegal, then it shouldn’t be for these cases.
And what about sex between couples where one or both are drunk. Is this consensual? If I were a good looking financially secure chap I would probably require a breath analyzing device before proceeding. And if I were just an average Joe with average Joe looks in a bar looking for sex, maybe both being drunk at 3 Am is about the only way sex is going to happen. If I were a Judge I would say, ‘of course you both were drunk, how else was all this going to happen, just go home by yourself when you start getting drunk.”
All these people making headlines today about improper sexual advances years ago are mostly all celebrities of some sort. The lifestyles of the wealthy and attractive are very different from the lifestyles of the average masses. It is often true that they can do things in the realm of sex and love that those average people, the common folk, or whatever, cannot do. Yes, I can’t go out and grab gals by the pussy and not be in deep shit. And yes, millionaire Trump can do so and get away with it and brag about it and get elected President. It is what it is, and I don’t really want to be dragged into their world which, in the arena of sex and love, I don’t know much about at all. Would I, if I could, engage in some of this behavior, do so? How does one know until one is in that situation? Would I, if rich enough, consider a trophy wife far past my own physical attractiveness instead of Lily of the Valley, a regular down at the local tavern? I don’t even know on the front line of a war battle which way I might run. Maybe I do know, I have never enlisted. I once walked across that battlefield at Gettysburg which was a major battle in the Civil War. I am pretty sure of one thing: my ass, if it is going to be in line marching across that field, it would have to be in the rear line—the last one to be exposed to bullets and bayonets.
Someone once said that God must have a sense of humor or sex and love would not exist. We should be like other animals—hormones suddenly, at the appropriate time, flood into our blood, and we then commence to have sex with the nearest possible mate and have sex in a very prescribed way, usually lasting but a minute, and then be done with it all, again and again, until the hormones go away. So yes, God must indeed have a sense of humor. And if we use sex as the basis for so much of our humor, why wouldn’t God see it the same way? I doubt if God would laugh one minute and then prosecute to the maximum the next minute. After all he set the whole show up. I would guess God would be more like a parent who tells their offspring “You better proceed with caution when it comes to sex and love, you go down some wrong paths here and you will pay a steep price.” Good advice is all well and good. But when it comes to love and sex and all the diverse feelings that come with it, there is no other aspect of life that we have so little control over. If anyone reading this thinks there might be some answers lurking within, here is the answer: there are no answers, there never has been any answers, there probably never will be any answers. There is my answer. Chaos rules. It is now the age of raging feelings spurred on by input from our varied media devices which allow all of us to find those who feel like we do and get maximally aggravated, over and over, every day, and I guess more and more people get to the point where their feelings are so strong that when they are driving and spot a crowd, they take a sharp turn and join the new sport of seeing how many strangers they can kill before they have to give up their own life.
It just seems everything about sex is risky, a loose cannon filled with emotions of the moment, and these feelings are all individually unique with little commonality. It is not clear how unwanted advances can be correctly handled in a court room short of the classic out of the blue rapes which occur mostly in public encounters with strangers. The spouse who goes along with a particular sexual act simply because their spouse demands it, is this rape? I suppose one could argue that one spouse wanted one kind of sex and the other another, and one gives in. Both have a personal decision to make. One gets fondled by the boss on a job or a relative. Am talking about adults here. If we don’t report it then we leave the impression to the perpetrator that there are no consequences. It is no wonder then that after one victim comes forward that many others follow. I think many young people, in their formative years, wonder why some guys, for example, can pretty much get their way sexually with a lot of girls in a forceful way while if a different guy attempted the same forceful approach there would be holy hell to pay. What about a male or female, married, who has sex at a party with someone they always found attractive and only the next day are upset at what they did. This was certainly sex against their wishes, but only the next day. On top of all this, sexual drives are hardly equal. John Kennedy had a high sex drive built up partly because of endless availability for sexual encounters. Jackie Kennedy apparently found relief that this drive was not relentlessly focused on her and just wanted the flings by Jack to be done discretely. Bill Clinton was obviously motivated to find sex on the side and clearly did. Monica Lewinsky was willing to play that role. Both are adults. How do we rationally place blame only on one participant? The real crime here was a personal one between Hilliary and Bill who had marriage vows. Why would anyone else or court want to get the middle of something like this?
Parents often drill into their offspring that they are responsible for their sexual choices and behaviors. In too many cases, and this is hard since all cases are different, suddenly it becomes another person who is solely responsible for the behavior. A lot of sexual behaviors are simply tragic situations for the person exhibiting the behavior. If a person can only get maximal orgasms by being tied up during sex and physically abused, who, in their right mind, would like to have the same kind of sexual drive? The physically ugly have almost impossible chances to find sex with an attractive person. So maybe they need pay a prostitute. Do we really think the person should go to jail or be arrested for resorting to a prostitute? Or the prostitute be punished for an act of kindness (for money of course)? A wealthy person with a trophy wife is certainly paying for sex and that is legal. In cases like this maybe the gal willing to have sex with the ugly guy is some sort sex angel. Is satisfying someone else’s sexual needs really a crime? Every which way we analyze human sexual activities we end up disconcerted and devoid of few logical bearings. How many times, in matters of love or sex, do we frustratingly ask ourselves ‘What the hell is going on here’? Then, if it ends up in court, it is the same question. For example, why do you fondle women in the workplace or in social settings? The answer often is “because I have done it many times and never got in trouble over it’. “Why do you find making love to feet erotic?” “I have no idea, but if a person lets me I like to do it”. I am not aware of too many accusations by someone that some person at some point fondled their foot. How can we explain the really varied emotional response to being raped? Some women are severely traumatized, even for life, and others move on with about the same lasting effect as having been robbed. Why do some men want gays to be illegal for fear they will be come on to by a gay person when women are expected to fend off unwanted sexual overtures as part of their daily life? Are males less able to protect themselves from unwanted sexual advances?
This will end here simply because no pathway here seems to lead to any end. It seems more lives end up in turmoil about sex and love than virtually any other aspect of life. Maybe those who have no interest in sex are the luckiest. Tiny Tim was happy just to tip-toe through the tulips. Only the tulip bed owners get riled up about that.
