A Very Personal Email

A Very Personal Email

Some people have suggested I should write more personal letters to my friends instead of endless musings about general topics. So here goes:

My Dearest Friend,

There are certain personal things about you that only a dear friend can, or should, bring to your attention for your own good. Good friends are perfect for that. You are my friend through hell or high water BUT: (in order to eliminate any necessity for a personal letter to each good friend, this one will suffice if you just cross off whatever of the below does not apply to you). 

___You look like you have lived life too fast, with too many responsibilities, under too much pressure. You need to smile more and develop a more carefree air-headed type countenance. You know—the real you. 

____You could have picked a better spouse. What do you see in him/her anyway? This for sure downgrades your family gene pool. 

____I am surprised how much you spoiled your kids rotten.  The only thing you can do now is disown them. 

_____Your pet(s) need to go to pet training school or be put to sleep, as the neighbors wish. 

_____You are the kind of person who never should drink. Not even a little. 

_____ I don’t think you understand politics—it’s not yours strong suit, so just shut up, and  get the person you voted for to do the same.  

_____Where did you get your decorative tastes? I’ll just say it is different. Hire a professional decorator. 

___You’d be so much more pleasant to be with if you’d admit when you are wrong, like most of the time.

___I think if you sat in a different kind of chair your posture would be less taxing on the eyes. 

____Have you been working too hard? You seem to be aging so fast.

_____Do you always pick losers? Give more thought to things and you will do better. 

____I never watch TV shows like you watch, it insults my intelligence

____Doesn’t your hobby bore you?  I think you could find a better one for your time, level of skill, and competence.

____Do you ever shut up?  You could learn so much from others.

____I think you could find clothes just as comfortable that are more fashionable

___You laugh in an odd way. I don’t mind but others probably do.

___ You find the strangest things funny.  Others probably think you have a screw loose. 

___You seem so tense, maybe you need to find a way to improve your sex life, maybe something more vigorous or stimulating. With Viagra and internet sex sites for every sexual fetish, you could find relief and not be so tense and repressed. Maybe buy a more comfortable or stronger kitchen table. 

___Your boss must be a very patient person.  Don’t you worry about being fired?

___What made you take a trip there? You must have time and money to burn.

____You need to watch some of these TV cooking shows.  They can give you tips on how to cook some of the things you serve.

___Always count to ten before you open your mouth and then DON’T. Except in the bedroom.

____If you took advice from a higher class of people you wouldn’t be such a jerk. 

____You have some nice outfits, but there is no way you can ever be sexy looking anymore, so quit trying to be somebody you are not.  Cover up and shut up as much as possible. 

___Do all those wrinkles itch?  Well, they make others itch. Use more makeup. 

_____See what happens when you think? 

___you need to relax.  In the long run you will be dead anyway.  So why don’t you go ahead and start being dead.

____Your tone of voice when you say things turns people off. Maybe you are tone deaf. 

____If you would think before you speak you would have more friends.

___Do you always repeat yourself? I don’t mind but I suspect others do.

___You need to talk about different topics.  No one cares about you.

____I don’t think you are a jerk, but if you talk to others like you do to me, they do.

____I always liked your parents. You are nothing like them.

____Did you ever consider a personal fitness trainer? They can sometimes do so much with so little.

___Your taste in music is outdated.  Have you had your hearing checked?

____You played too much football with your helmet off.

____I have difficulty remembering what you are best remembered for, so maybe you are best forgotten.

____I would not personally employ you except for reasons of our personal friendship, like a buffoon in a common carnival. 

___You are a little nobody with a lot to be modest about.

___You seem to think there is a fourth person in the trinity

____You have no depth to your thoughts which are as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had been starved to death.

___If you fell off a bridge that would be a misfortune. If anyone pulled you out that would be a calamity.

___From the moment I picked up something you wrote I was convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend to read it. 

___I don’t know why you took such umbrage at my comments on birth control, you’re such a living argument for it.

__You seem to have great respect for women. Only last week you saved a female from being attacked.  You controlled yourself. 

____Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you voted for Trump, but I  repeat myself here. 

____As a conversationalist you are the one who talks during someone else’s sleep.

Now just shape up or do the decent thing and have a fatal accident before your tired old ass becomes an unbearable burden on society, to your family and friends, and an eyesore to the natural beauty of the planet. 

All of the above is not so much creativity on my part but proof, that despite my scarcity of writing personal letters to others, many have written me personal letters. While I ignore them I trust that you will take all of this to heart. 

You’re Welcome,

Your good friend, 

Reid