Gone With the Wind
Like many people in many jobs, I was in a position in my productive years, to be of help to younger people in their late teens to late twenties. It had more to do with my achieving personal contentment than any theoretical demand from religious scripture. Whether the road to personal contentment is always via helping the less fortunate in life is debatable. But not a topic for this musing.
Not long ago, in some sort of discussion, I was asked how many of those I helped, ever kept in contact with me. The question caused me to pause since the answer clearly was that few do (not that they could locate me anyway). Later I thought about that. Does this mean there was little appreciation for the help given? On the face of it, this failure to make any effort over time to thank those who made major contributions to our successes in our life seems lacking in gratefulness. Perhaps my help was not as significant as I thought. Even if it wasn’t, the personal contentment I achieved by it all was valuable to me. At this point in this musing I made a list of all those adults who made major contributions to me in my late teen or productive years. How many of them did I ever stay in contact with, or track them down to thank repeatedly? Maybe one, outside of a few boyhood friends, and that happened only because others arranged it to happen. Wow, these people who made a major contribution to my productive years were never subsequently, over time, contacted by me in any way to acknowledge how important their kindnesses were. I prefer to think the young people I helped are as grateful for the help I gave them, as I am grateful for the major help others gave me. I guess, by nature, most of us don’t dwell on the past, we get wrapped in our own progress, and move on. These important people in my life moved on, I moved on, and that’s the way it is. Now in my seventies, I suddenly realize I never really properly thanked hardly any of them enough times.
My guess is that this is typical. Many of those I helped, by the nature of my profession, were teetering on the precipice of success or failure, and often came from difficult neighborhood/family environments. Perhaps it is better I don’t really know what became of them. The few times I tracked someone down from my past, the results were too often sad and discouraging. There are so many really good people in life who never get the breaks, or the situation, or the opportunity to succeed. For me, given my peculiarities, I spend considerable time wondering why I had so many key people intercede and enable me to survive, while so many others—many better persons than I—never attained anywhere near the support they needed to reach their potential. So many things in life are puzzling.
I hate that, and always have. No matter how much good luck I have had, or how smooth my life may be in these retirement years, I often, late at night, feel genuinely saddened by the realities of life for so many people. The evolutionary process, the laws which govern it created by a God of some sort (wherever there is a gift, there is a gift giver), has been an endless progressive process, with plenty of major corrections along the way, and all of us were simply given the chance to exist for a minuscule amount of time in the process—well, that chance was our good fortune. Yet there exists too much sadness built in, at least for the human species who have the capacity to comprehend the sadness all around. The modern electronic gadgets are nice, but they also magnify the saddest of happenings around the globe. In that sense, the world is too much with us every day. I am not the type of person to get all weepy eyed about these sad situations of so many people, different species, different cultures, etc, but the sadness of it all weighs on my mind. No, not there but for the grace of God goes I, but there but for the genetic and environmental spin of the wheel goes I. This does not go so far as to imply I had no control over my life, but any success, at any level, also depended on the genetic cards in my hand, the environment in which my life existed, and the kindness of others who helped me play the right cards, or slipped me some aces when I was about to fold in life. That is the reality to me—and a difficult one.
My own list totaled 25 people. With more thought maybe the list would be longer or shorter. Without these people there would be little of my life for which to be all that grateful. I could, of course, make a list of the 25 people who made my life more difficult, but it would be rather dumb of me to even attempt to recall them. I wonder at what point is anyone’s life not considered successful enough for them to be contented? The truth probably is that he/she, who is contented with little, is richer by far than those who have more—and still compulsively and actively seek even more. I have sure been involved with enough of these people in my productive years, and it is never a pleasure to be around them. I remember a Vice-President once telling me in his office that he envied me—even though he had a big title and made a lot more money than I—he was constantly under pressure and forced to do a lot of things to save his job, while I was free (tenured) to follow whatever path I deemed the right one to follow. I reminded him that he always had the choice to quit if he wanted. It is one of my favorite memories. He had been ordered by the the President to make me back down on some issue, no matter what it took. But he admitted he did not know how to make me back down. He said he was obliged to tell me that he could not sign any papers which crossed his desk giving me any promotion or salary bonuses or recognitions of any sort. I advised him, “Then just do it. I am not starving or trying to be elevated past my abilities or gain any public attention. It pleases me that you don’t want to do it. Presidents come and go and there will be another day to make things right for me.”
Of the 25 people on my list of important contributors to my moderate success in life, 11 are dead for sure, and only 2 live anywhere near me and 6 I have no idea where they are. But after giving more thought to all this, what would chasing any of these people down accomplish? Like it or not, we cannot recreate the past, especially the intensity of moments that affected our lives. There are a few people, not on this list, who early in my career got fired because they supported me in a difficult situation. I was blindsided by that situation (they probably were too) and I never allowed that situation to develop again in my life. They were not that close to me (not that anyone ever is), and what the hell would I have said to them if I had tracked them down years after they were fired?
And it works in reverse too. Suppose some of these young people, years later were to have tracked me down? We would have nothing in common anymore, it would be inane chit chat. And if I had tracked them down, a more difficult task, but I suppose doable in many cases with internet searches, there would be too many cases where I would be saddened by their current situation. Because we help someone over one hurdle, doesn’t mean they ever finished, or won the race. I remember some students approached a Vice President (not the one mentioned already—different job) and pressured him to defend me over a particular issue. This guy didn’t know me personally at all, but asked me to go to lunch and a meeting he was attending some distance away. Off we went in his expensive sports car. It was better than a Laurel and Hardy skit. He was a handsome, socially polished, suave dresser, riding along with a most unlikely counterpart, I guess so he could get to know me a little bit. In the end he stated I hadn’t given him much to go on in our conversation, but he appreciated the intensity of student support, so he would do what he could. He did, and the matter was resolved by directive from on high (the President). I got a new office in the administration building and a secretary to boot. I never did know how many, and which students went to his office seeking his support.
Life is interesting regarding so many people to whom we owe so much. They rarely ever get thanked enough except at the time, but after that it is more like ships passing in the night, a brief encounter, and then never to meet again. If I could do it all over again, I would have done more, more often, to remind them of my gratitude over the years. Even someone like my father, he had to die before I ever realized the extent of his importance in my life. I know I am not alone, that most people have certain people in their lives who they never adequately thanked, and certainly not often enough. My father had one trait which I am not sure I have ever seen in anyone to the extent he had that trait. He never said anything bad about anyone else in our family, or any of our relatives, or any of the people who worked for him, or any of his many friends. Never. I think he was on edge about me most of my life. On edge meaning he was unsure where I was heading or the means by which I seemed to tackle life, but he refused to criticize or pressure me about anything in my life. He was the kind of parent who felt he had taught me by example, and the rest was up to me after the formative years. In the end, I think both my parents were relieved and pleased that I some how modestly survived—something like at the race track we might not put on money on some ‘nag’ to win, but are really pleased when the ‘nag’ wins. There is something pleasant about an underdog coming out on top, at least most of the time.
We have all kinds of special days—Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Veterans Day, Christmas, etc. But I think there should be a Gone With the Wind Day in which each year we would contact via a letter, email, phone call—whatever, those people for whom we owe so much of our success in life. Of course, over time, with most of these people, we would no longer have much in common—time brings change to all of us—but it probably would be nice to have one day when we could all, year after year, say thanks one more time. And this day would actually encourage all of us to do more kind things to people outside our own family. No one would want to spend the day with no phone calls or emails etc thanking us for some kind deed in the past. It would be a pleasant way to remind all of us that others outside our own family do matter, do count.
I understand the point behind “Black lives matter”, but my preferred sign would be a tad longer and read: “All lives matter, all species matter, all natural resources matter, the welfare of all matters”. It seems this kind of statement only matters for the generation in which we all live. In the long run the evolutionary process is geared toward change and progress——progress which has been occurring for millions of years. The human species has certainly altered evolutionary progression. In the past, the environment has changed evolution, as species had to adapt to a changing environment. Now, for the first time, a particular species is changing the environment, not some catalytic force of nature.
Be all this as it may, despite the insignificant personal little world in which I have lived for a minuscule amount of time, I should have followed up more in thanking those who made my insignificant little world a better experience for me. I guess Terrell Owens isn’t the only one who is self centered. He was just more open about it.
For so many musings I always end up with same quote, the author unknown.
“There is a way of life, a way of thinking, of behaving towards other men and your fellow creatures, towards all living things, towards the whole earth and the sky and the sun that is based on love, on compassion, on respect, on cherishing everything there is around you because it is wonderful, unique, it’s natural and good and it evolved that way by itself, it’s got to be cherished and if we think like that, and live that kind of life, we can all have our freedom, we can all have our happiness, we can all feel the sun and smell the grass and smell the flowers and look upon each other with appreciation.” (Unknown)
