Gratitude as a Rewarding Human Social Trait
Gratitude should have been the 5th rewarding Trait in a recent Musing naming 4 others. Of course some people have more things to be grateful for than others. Some of the least fortunate would have a hard time finding things for which to be grateful. That ’s understood, but given this clarification, whatever gratitude we do have, should be worn on our sleeve. Why? Because it not only makes us a better person, but it enables us to be more contented in life. It only makes sense to highlight our gratitude for many things, because these are the things which we didn’t have to work hard to obtain—these are the things given to us. People like to be around those who express a lot of gratitude for good fortune of any sort. Certainly this beats being around those who are always complaining about the things they were not given in life.
Some have chided me for using my gratitude for so many things in life as a basis for contentment in my terminational years. This tendency will vary. How much we employ gratitude as a path to contentment depends a lot, I suspect, on the kind of people we ended up around in life during our formative and productive years. I spent most of my productive years surrounded by a lot of college students who grew up in urban ‘economic ghettoes’. So many of the problems they faced in their lives were situations which I never faced. Had I spent my productive life surrounded by a different clientele I suspect I would have gravitated toward an attitude of “I achieved success the old fashioned way, I earned it.” Perspective is everything. Let’s admit——we like to feel we are important, we like to feel God is on our side giving us daily guidance, forgiveness, whatever—and we like to feel as if we engineered our successes. In my case, the more I came to understand the evolutionary process the less important I could make myself to the process, the more I came to envision God as the author of the rules which govern the process, and the less convinced I became that God ever alters any of the rules which govern the process to personally make things break my way, or anyone else’s way. That left me with no option but to deal with such realities. While I certainly would like to be more important, more special, be more talented, get a better hand in life, and have more permanence—in the end, like everyone else, I have to deal with the, by chance, situation of my life.
Gratitude is a precious human component. Probably one the the biggest breaks I have gotten in life is to have had progress on any front come slowly with incremental increases. Getting too much, too fast, too often, is bad for our mental health. When things come too easy, too fast we invariably suffer from some form of ego mania and get suckered into ‘more is better’. Compulsive behaviors often follow, and soon we become trapped into a never ending unrewarding rat race. Happiness is ever more fleeting, our frustrations never so unending, victims in our wake never so more numerous—while we spend most days looking over our shoulder to see who is gaining. If we ourselves are on the road to nowhere, of what importance is it who is gaining? We either learn to smell the roses along the way, keep things in perspective, learn when enough is enough about most everything, and assist others en-route, or we end up in our terminational years all in a drivel about our approaching return to nothingness. Our biggest luck came when a particular sperm got to a specific egg by chance. We all won the lottery, many years ago, yet have no recollection of it, and few would ever say they wish they had not won.We don’t refuse to play games because we might lose but want to play because we might win. Gratitude is a wonderful reward for so many things unearned, and a contributing factor to personal contentment, especially in later years. Those who are satisfied with less are far more contented in life than those who achieve more and still want more.
Gratitude is a two way street. What goes around needs to come around, so to speak. I can still hear Eugene Watson, a World History teacher of mine in high school, constantly talking about FANAFI (Find A Need And Fill It). Few things in life have impressed me in life more than having someone with no relation to me, in any real personal way, step to the plate, and either protect me in a situation, or push me forward in a situation. I would always wonder, “Why did they do that?”. People who circle their wagons around family, a particular race, a particular religion, a particular nation, or any other particular group, are separating themselves from potential supporters in a time of need. Granted, it is normal to be a group person. For whatever the reasons, I never was. That freed me, I guess, to befriend just about anyone in need at the time. Still, there are many people who are group persons who never hesitate to assist those outside their group. They seem real heroes to me. Lincoln, for example, though he knew the likely consequences to him personally, engineered the end of slavery for a constituency for whom he had no close connections.
This is for certain: if we are going to be living life on the edge of risk or on the forefront of change, we better have a power base for protection. That power base cannot be those for whom we cannot protect in return. I once was saved from catastrophe by a lot of good people, but some of them subsequently lost their jobs for protecting me. Not good. Not acceptable. Not tolerable. It still haunts me. Another principle which applies here is this: most of the time, never fight for change which personally will benefit ourselves financially or otherwise. Let others fight that kind of battle and we just selfishly share in the reward. But fight instead for change which will help others, especially those least able to fight on their own. When we need their help they will be there, a case of what goes around comes around. Finally, never work for anyone whose support in a crisis cannot be depended on. Preferably it should be your immediate boss, but sometimes someone else higher up the chain will do. Once all the pieces are in place we can then do the ‘right’ thing without fear. It is best to have a small army of protection.
For most ‘strangers’ who we assist, it is like two ships passing in the night, brief communication, and then both ships sail on. You never see that ship again. But that is ok, in fact rather admirable. Most of those who came out of the ‘blue’ to help me I never saw much again over time. Sometimes, late at night I think of them and wonder what ever became of them? It is funny, that some people we owe so much to, we never see again after a bit. Why did we never stay in touch? Hard to say, but this seems to be common.
Gratitude probably plays a more major role in our terminational years simply because by then peace of mind and contentment drive our lives more so than in the productive years. Either enough was enough, or if not, will never be. It seems gratitude has a life of it’s own. It provides satisfaction when we feel gratitude and it provides satisfaction when we act in such a way to receive gratitude. The least likely someone was to expect help from us, the more sincere and deep the gratitude given to us. When someone would ask why I was wasting my time ‘on this’, my reply would be something to the effect that ‘nothing could be less of a waste to time to me than this ‘waste of time’. Never miss a chance to push someone forward who has potential but needs a push to get them into a position to develop their potential. I remember once the Chairperson of the Department calling me and saying: “Rumor has it you have appointed student X as a course assistant. Tell me this is not true. This person is out of control most of the time.” My answer was that “maybe he needs to be in control to mature and settle down.” Interestingly, the student was so afraid that he might do something to cause me to knock him off the little pedestal he was now on, that he was a pest and had to learn to make his own decisions. Like so many others I have no idea what happened to a lot of him or hers.
The above raises the interesting question: Do the best qualified always need to get the ‘plum’? Every time I pulled someone from back in the line to the front of the line this always bothered me. It seems we are blatantly doing a good deed at someone else’s expense. Should the student with the best schools, best teachers, best neighborhood, best family life, always get admitted to a college over a student who had none of these advantages? The answer seems to be why shouldn’t all children have good schools, good teachers, and a safe environment in their formative years? The discrepancy happens here because the affluent want their kids to have the advantage—level playing fields make it more difficult for their children to compete. I could run rather well, so I got an athletic scholarship to an expensive college. Now really, is college about education or about sports?
Frankly, it is not clear to me why someone who shuffles paper around all day in an intellectual fashion should make so much more money than someone who pushes a wheelbarrow around all day. I have done both. I find both co-workers in such different worlds equally interesting. Another of my oddities I guess. I find people of all sorts and talents equally interesting. I probably laugh more with those toward the bottom than those at the top. This seems strange. Frankly, I have not known very many really ‘important’ people with titles and power who have been very happy campers. I remember a Vice-President of Academic Affairs calling me into his office, and looking very sad, explaining to me that he had been ordered by the President to have me back down on something. He went on that he tried telling my Department Chair to rein me in on the matter but she told him she wouldn’t and couldn’t if she tried. Many people say tenure is a bad thing. Frankly, it is about all that protects students from being ripped off to an even greater extent. So he spent an hour telling me why the money and title were not worth all the indignities suffered to keep his job. He ended up explaining that he would tell the President that I was informed that any papers crossing the Vice-President’s desk involving my promotion or any financial bonuses would not be signed. In University settings, faculty apply for promotions or financial bonuses by submitting volumes of supportive documents as to why they should get the promotion or bonus. I never applied for any of it. Why? Every few years there would be a ‘salary equalization’ study and those Professors who salary was out of line with others, would be given a compensatory raise to get them up to par salary wise. Thus my salary rose with everyone else with maybe a two year lag. And, of course, those faculty least competent or diligent had the largest volumes submitted for promotions or bonuses. When someone has to write up volumes about how important and good they are, they probably aren’t either.
I have no idea where I personally stand on any gratitude level scale. How can any of us evaluate that very well? We are all different, our situations are different, our little worlds are all different and have been all our lives. At this age I keep it simple. There are always far more things every day I feel like doing without having to bother others, and there are few things or people annoying me. There is no need to look over my shoulder to see who is gaining. I am not in anyone’s way to anything. My little FANAFI Fund ensures I help others now in a way which does not involve my personal contact with the less fortunate. They collectively get more of my money than I do every year, but that’s kind of neat since why not? I reside in a nice little cubby hole, eat well, wander around to my heart’s content, read and write, and go gently down the stream to the Bay of the great unknown. People are very kind to me. No need to go upstream, I’ve been there—it was exciting and rewarding enough. I don’t really know for sure when I will decide enough is enough of this adventure called life, but my goal is to have the good sense to pull the plug at the right time. If I can control my own dying process, well that’s my idea of the perfect finale, the final enough is enough.
