Who AM I? What AM I? Does It Matter? How Do We Find the Answers?
By the time one is wrapping up their productive years all these above questions begin to creep into our psyche. Of course the race is already over, so maybe it all is moot. Life has always been a trek of slippery footing and differing paths. Which to follow can drive the sanest over the edge.
Nevertheless, we hate to pass from earthly existence having never established any clear understanding of all that we have been through. We were thrown into this bedlam-like loony bin called life existence with differing strengths and weaknesses, not to mention into such varied environments, that for sure we are, everyone of us, in over our head with no road map. We can’t stay afloat without help and some go under for lack of that alone. A lot of us get help, of varied quality, and with varied talent plus a lot of luck (bad or good) we end up somewhere, somehow, and then immediately begin the slow process called dying by a thousand cuts. So one day, if we live long enough, in a moment of pensive reclusiveness, we pause from the rat race and finally ask “Who AM I? What am I? Does It Matter?”
A lot of our search for answers involves religion, or I prefer ethics. No matter, this is all serious shit. Or is it? I watched a DVD titled “Letting Go of God” by Julia Sweeney. Everyone should really watch this DVD. Either buy it on Amazon.com or rent it from Netflex. This gal took her search for God about as serious as anyone possibly could. Her path for answers left no stones unturned. And yet, when all is said and done, and she certainly said much, the monologue is best titled comedy. Viewing this we find ourselves saying, “Now wait a minute, something here is funny that has no business being funny.” In the end she realizes she is not going to find God, not that this means there is no God, but for sure God, whose essence is beyond our comprehension, is not walking us through life, protecting us from any land mines, misfortunes, or whatever, at all. We are part of existence, for a brief period of time, and for that we simply should be grateful—grateful that we had the chance to strut upon the stage of life. The other million spermatozoa were left without any further life. I never even said goodbye to these ‘other’ sperm. We all ran at least one good race in our lives and don’t even remember it.
But even if all this is true, we still want to know: “Who Am I? What Am I? Does it Matter? Much of who we are is determined by genetics and our early environment—our formative years. “I am a part of all that I have met.” (Alfred, Lord Tennyson) While this is certainly true, further analysis gets clouded because we are a biased evaluator of our own essence. One of the reasons I dislike large gatherings (more than 3-4 people) is that in large groups everyone is acting, presenting themselves as they wish to be seen, which often is deceptive. Like who would have guessed Bill Crosby was really doping up women for sex? Like who would have imagined many priests were really molesting young boys? Like who wanted to believe our government really got us to kill 2 million Vietnamese for no valid reason? And it goes on and on. The real self often does not match public appearance.
Suppose we really could correctly assess a particular person’s real nature? What then? Maybe they really are boring, or dumb, or lie a lot, or can’t be trusted. Perhaps there are good reasons why they are boring or dumb or lie a lot or can’t be trusted. One of the really great things about being retired and economically independent, is that there are precious few reasons why anyone need be close enough to us to harm us mentally or physically or legally, etc. Independence is a great protective shield from harm by others. To successfully be able to amuse ourselves is a huge advantage in life. A lot of suffering in life is caused by others who are in a position to harm us, annoy us, or bother us one way or another. Early in life I was convinced my death certificate would list ‘bothered too often by too many’ as the cause of death. Now I think the cause of death will read: “walked himself to death wandering around”.
We could sit down and list our strengths and weaknesses, but others might not agree with our self analysis. How often do we say “He/she may think they are this or that, but they certainly are not”.We are filled with contradictions. Most people probably would admit “we are all God’s children or creations”, whatever the term selected—but certainly Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, Obama, Reagan, etc. would be, to differing people, not be considered ‘God’s children’ at all. If we can’t stand Obama why doesn’t God put him out of commission? Maybe we just need be a bit more patient. If he assists any more people getting rights or government assistance that other people already have, somebody who is driven over the edge by this ‘sharing’ bullshit with other people’s money or rights, is going to put a bullet through his head. That is, after all, the current vogue for solving conflict—kill, and weirdly enough, often at random. The looney-bin crowd seems to be growing.
We kind of realize that perfection does not exist, not with ourselves, with anyone else, or anything else on our planet. Progress has certainly been a hallmark of the evolutionary process, but this evolutionary Time scale, involving billions of years, is beyond our grasp to which we can relate. I am always astonished when someone expresses concern for their kid’s or grandchildren’s future. Really? They don’t seem to think about that when they endorse fighting wars on borrowed money, ignoring human overpopulation of the planet, accepting a society in which a huge percentage of citizens don’t even make a living wage, or have good schools, or good health care, or good pensions, and so on. We all know, we really do, that this is not a good sign for the future of any society. And now we suddenly live in a global society— we really do, so nothing much is left of independent countries determining their own destiny. Not any more. Most people’s community today is not the one in which they live, but the people with whom they communicate via the internet. Then we have the environmental community, the various religious communities, the wealthy community, the ISIS community, the pro life community, the pro football community and it goes on and on. In the past your immediate neighbors were your community mostly because we didn’t have easy access to those outside our neighborhood community. If we had weird notions or evil notions we felt pressured to stifle ourselves or become an outcast. Not today, if we feel all certain type people should be killed, then we can find others somewhere on the globe who feel the same way and form a dedicated group for that purpose. The biggest nothing burger amongst us can become a terrorist ‘star’ and be front page for weeks and months. That is, for them, the only way to fame.
Well, like it or not, we are all in the same boat now—overcrowded, diverse, and getting on each other’s nerves. Often we feel many of our troubles are due to the existence of certain ‘other’ groups. The wealth of information we have access to on the internet is great in some respects, but a good deal of false information is also peddled to people via the internet. Elections today are not only dependent on huge amounts of money, but the issues are so many and so complicated that most of us know too little about too many of the issues, and are therefore ignorant voters. This is not an easy predicament to fix. It is hard to realistically feel important individually when we realize there are another 8 billion people on our earth all trying to feel individually important.
We invent Gods, or more truthfully, inherit or marry into our religious beliefs, and faith in some revered scripture will be our guide. We all need faith in things, but these faiths need be based on reasonable evidence. One problem is that we don’t often process information logically. There is a lot of good stuff in most religious scripture, but even the literalists read what what they want to read into much of it. As Lincoln pointed out: both sides read the same scripture and one side claimed slavery was good and the other side claimed slavery was wrong.” The words in the bible are the same and the interpretations different. So much for God’s intent through any scripture. People tend to interpret scripture to fit their own agenda. How many sermons are preached each week by clergy trying to interpret scripture for us, and of course in ways which will not discourage us from coming back again?
In the end “Who am I?” is never going to be clear cut to ourselves or anyone else. If change is the constant in life then we are different over time. We change, others change, the environment changes, the culture changes, and we are such a minuscule part of this whole evolutionary process, that it takes obligatory illusions for us to feel self-important. We do the best with what we have only because if we don’t do our best there is no basis for any self contentment.
“What are we?”. Well, we are a certain height, but even this changes over time. Whatever we have at one point in our lives we may not have at other points; what we spend our time doing changes over time; our friends change over time; our hobbies change; and this could go on and on. Whatever we are, we are that for only a moment in time. Only fools (those with braces on their brains) see much of anything fixed in stone.
“Does it really matter?” Probably not in any way which is personal. A brick in a beautiful building matters only in that bricks are needed to end up creating such a beautiful building. That seems to be the hardest thing about our brief existence in the evolutionary process—trying to feel we matter much at all. Cemeteries always feel weird to me; expressways also;, crowded city streets too. All these people, existing or did exist, just like me, and yet none of us is ever really important. Everything invented, if not invented by the person who did, would have been invented by someone else at some point in time. If Lincoln hadn’t managed to end slavery someone else would have, if the Wright Brothers had not invented the airplane someone else would have, and so it goes—the evolutionary process that is——with or without us. I hate that. We matter because we have a consciousness and that consciousness matters to us. We really do know there are no guarantees in life, even those who think they are wrapped in God’s hands and safe, really know better. There is not a single danger in life, like death from disease, death on a battle field, specific injuries, divorce, murder, rape, etc. from which any particular religious sect is immune. The stats are the same for all these dangers no matter what religion anyone is. Millions pray to their particular God for exemptions, but the stats don’t show any exemptions. If any group on earth sees missionaries of some sort approaching over the horizon they should run like hell, as fast as they can——nothing good ever comes from their arrival on the scene. Hell hath no fury compared to religious extremists. Even mosquitoes swirling around us are not as aggravatingly pesky. In the last analysis we are simply team players on the stage of evolution—necessary, but unimportant as individuals to the overall objective. It is senseless to pretend otherwise; we can try to swim upstream and be more important than we really are, but the graveyards are full of people who have tried that, and they lie next to those who did not even try.
This was to be the end of this musing, but is there nothing solid that can be said about who we are or what we are? I remembered this quote which I so much like: “To judge a man means nothing other than to ask: What content does he give to the form of humanity? What concept should we have of humanity if he were its only representative?” ― Wilhelm von Humboldt, Humanist Without Portfolio So I will attempt to use myself as the subject to analyze who we are in a way anyone could analyze themselves. After all, 75 years of age and I still have no idea who I am or what I am? That seems not exactly true either. Below are listed the areas in which our thoughts determine who we are, and what we are. There are no right or wrong answers, but the accuracy is potentially biased or disingenuous. Remember, diversity sorts it all out in evolutionary Time—that is, diversity of form and thought allows truth and improvement to win out. It just seems that who we are is basically what we think about regarding different aspects of life. Remember, who we are and what we are is changing all the time. Our personal consciousness is a work in progress. Does it matter who or what we are? It does, I reckon for our own personal contentment, but otherwise evolution moves on. I repeat here again: diversity sorts it all out in evolutionary Time—that is, diversity of form and thought allows truth and improvement to win out. But every person could use these same topics, and others not listed to define who they are, at least at a given point in time.
Religion:
Politics:
Personal Obligations:
Global Controls:
National government Controls:
Wars:
Luck:
Priorities and Values: (not ranked in order)
Empathy:
Humor:
Sadness:
Love:
Social groups:
What Brings Contentment:
Summary of Life Philosophy
Following are the same topics which I filled out for myself. None of this is worth piling through for others. It is listed only as an example of how one might go about filling out answers to the topics. At most, pick one topic and read to get a feeling for how one goes about filling out your own thoughts and understanding of yourself. No matter where any of us stand on any of these topics, the evolutionary process goes on without us. That’s the way it is, my protests notwithstanding. There are 8 billion people right now on this earth. It is estimated that 108 billion humans have existed since our species has been around. I don’t know the odds, but perhaps God will single me out amongst the 108 billion humans that have ever existed and especially like me, yank me right out of death’s claws and plant me right next to him as some sort of Deitistical pet. I wonder which of the many me’s will be selected, what will I physically look like, what will I do with my time, won’t I get lonesome, and what the hell would God need me around for? Better, I guess, to go gently down the stream to oblivion, or at the very least, the great unknown. Perhaps God will conduct my funeral: “We have here before us just the shell, the Nut is gone. Amen”
Religion: The Golden Rule is my ethical guide and I wish other organized religions did not exist. The world would be so much more peaceful and tolerant. Perhaps evolutionary progress will eliminate these destructive organizations.
Politics:
A Government exists to create level playing fields for all citizens to the extent possible. That is, every citizen is entitled to good schools with good teachers, good health care, a job available to fit the skills and abilities of every citizen, a minimum living wage in existence, a good pension plan, free college education for all those who can pass the entrance exams, every adult has the right to control their own dying process, subject to proper safeguards against abuse, and everyone entitled to live in a safe community.
Personal Obligations:
Each person is responsible to do the best they can with the cards dealt them at birth—by genetics and environment. Absent effort and initiative on existing level playing fields, there will be no other rewards from government. Basic needs have been provided for all, so further success is an individual endeavor. Diversity is a necessity for evolutionary advancement, and variations in success will be the result. Talents will vary; some will be much better than others and compete more successfully, and attain more wealth, titles, fame, and so on, than others. That’s life. But collectively, citizens through the government have all been given a level playing field. The rest is up to individual initiative and effort.
The Golden Rule, to the extent citizens adhere to it, will provide assistance to the less fortunate in life via donated time or money, whichever is available to give. No ethical principle can exist without an inherent reward system. The reward system inherent in the Golden Rule is personal contentment. The reward is not off someplace in any imagined Heaven, but in each case the giver and the recipient gain more personal contentment. Between the government doing it’s job, and the Golden Rule, a society will have the greatest degree of contentment for the most citizens.
Global Controls:
Responsible reproduction restrictions have to be applied globally to combat human overpopulation. Without this nothing else can save humanity from the consequences of species overpopulation. The human species is not exempt from God’s created laws of nature. No species can skirt around overpopulation.
In a global economy there must be appropriate global minimum wages. Without this there can be no fair wages for workers. This is killing American wages for workers. Right now 75% of workers worldwide have no full-time job. This is outrageous. In America, 43% of adult workers do not earn enough to be eligible for paying federal income taxes. That is pathetic.
Governments must implement policies which put a reasonable level on the amount of wealth the very rich can accumulate. Situations like in the U.S. right now, in which 2-5% of the people own 90% of the wealth is not compatible with a healthy economy. Greed prohibits the wealthy from policing themselves and like Kennedy said: “If we cannot help the many who are poor, we cannot save the few who are rich.” Most all advanced civilizations have imploded because the cost of a foreign empire of any sort became too expensive, and because too much of their domestic wealth was in the hands of too few. Even today, the vast wealth of the very rich in America is not enough, they want more—enough is never enough—and for them to accumulate even more, it cannot come from the poor—they don’t have it, and taking it from the middle class just pushes more of the middle class into poverty. In the American past, the wealthy were left plenty wealthy but much of the wealth earned was pumped back into the society from which it came via high income tax rates (90% for years) and high estate taxes for the wealthy so that citizens were expected to earn their own wealth, not just inherit vast amounts of unearned income. With level playing fields and the Golden Rule in practice, individuals are expected to earn their own wealth as a basic American principle. There are no bigger leeches on society than those who inherit vast sums of unearned money.
Protection of natural resources, endangered species, and climate change need be globally administered endeavors. To depend on individual countries to do this is unrealistic and unworkable.
National government Controls:
Once reasonable and fair minimum wage levels, social security levels, and tax levels are set, they change each year with the cost of living. This ensures that the cost of living for all segments of society will be protected, and stops politicians from promising their constituents tax breaks to get elected. The tax rates in America right now are lower than they have been for 40-50 years. No wonder so many things are falling apart. If the minimum wage had kept pace with the cost of living since 1955, it would be $21/hr today. Add all the tax loopholes, exemptions, and endless other tax schemes for the wealthy and it is a wonder government has enough money to govern at all. And today it barely is governing.
For full employment in today’s age there must be heavy investment in infrastructure, energy efficiency, health care, environmental protections and other such alternate sources of work. Machines have replaced many workers so new directions must be taken to provide enough jobs. And yes, the expense comes from the affluent via taxes (income and inheritance) out of collective necessity. When workers do not earn enough money to purchase things, the whole economy suffers, which hurts the wealthy too.
Wars:
No more wars fought on borrowed money. Every segment of our country must sacrifice before we go into war. And that includes paying for the war, not shoving the costs off on the next generation.
No more using mercenaries to fight our wars. Reinstitute the draft and have it across the board so that needless wars cannot be fought because most citizens suffer no sacrifice at all. This is the best way to stop senseless wars as people will be less likely to support such a war. Some of the people who always support war, feeling their country is always right, today know they have no chance of being on any battle field, or be hurt financially. Making sure all will sacrifice will give everyone pause to think it through more carefully. Besides, uniformed armies have had little success lately in modern wars. The sacrifices need include the elderly so they can’t endorse wars and yet be exempt from sacrifice. Hit the elderly in the pocket book too.
What kind of government any country has is the responsibility of citizens of the country in question.We have seen how hopeless it is to attempt to impose a particular kind of government on other countries. Aiding a country that is being attacked by another country is a different ball game.
There is no chance any other country is going to literally capture our country via any military invasion. Let’s take the Middle East. Our major concern over there has always been using them as a source of oil. So the best policy is simple enough. Sell us oil at market price or we will use military might to get the oil. They all want our money and be out from under our interference with their internal affairs. It is a perfect match, we get the oil and they get political independence from us.
Military wars solve little these days at an astronomical cost in terms of money and lives. All our efforts should be in negotiated global treaties over minimum wages, human overpopulation, arms control, and environmental/species protection. Failure to do this will be a global disaster.
Luck:
Everyone depends on luck—either bad luck or good luck. For some, if they didn’t have bad luck they would have no luck at all. Luck is built into life. Our parents, our genes, our peers, the quality of our grade and high schools, our skills, our personality, our looks, our ethical potential, are all areas of our lives where luck plays a major role. We rarely achieve very much on our own. We have the cards we were dealt, the environment we were dealt, and it is mostly luck when we meet others who lend us a helping hand when needed. We all have the capacity to understand that ethics is about helping others who need help, and that what goes around, comes around. Ethics is the human safety net in our lives. Most anything we ever do in life involves someone else interceding to protect us, give us an opportunity, or advise us, or support us as we strive to live a productive life. Terrell Owens may have achieved his goals on his own by running over, around, or through all the hurdles between him and his goal of being a top football receiver, but this is rare—quite rare. Without the right people being in the right place at the right time very little of anything I ever achieved would have been achieved. Ethics is kind of a payback and we will never be content if we just take, take, take, and never give back as we have been given. Donald Trump has grabbed everything he could that wasn’t tied down and never has given back much to others. Is there any better picture of malcontentedness than Donald Trump? He has learned to hate just about everyone but himself.
Priorities and Values: (not ranked in order)
Fairness— this is high on the list. Fairness as a value increases the pleasure of success and lessens the hurtfulness of failure. When a title or wealth is based on inheritance the achievement doesn’t fool anyone, especially the person receiving the inheritance. That you are not the one with the inherited wealth or title, though more competent, is comprehensible as not reflecting your own limitations. Fairness creates community peace however large or small the community. Where fairness is the rule, our ethical nature is best nurtured and grows.
Enough is enough—This applies to almost every good thing in life. Whenever enough is never enough there is then an addiction. Addictions never lead to contentment, just brief highs more difficult to achieve with time, followed by subsequent lows that grow in depth over time. Addictions are medical problems and should be treated as such, including drug addictions. There should be addiction centers all over the place to treat all kinds of addictions and addictions should never be treated as a police/criminal situation.
Good Health—Good health is a universal need and every government should ensure all it’s citizens receive good health care. Modern medicine is not only a vastly improved practice, but a vastly improved costly practice. But that is okay, it helps compensate for the loss of jobs in other fields. The political disingenuous practice of telling citizens that health care costs can be reduced is pure fabrication. People live almost 20 years longer today than when I was born. That is 20 years of continued health costs, and add to that the variety of treatments existing now compared to 40 years ago, and the costs hit the roof. Of course there is waste, but if there were no waste, health care costs for everyone to receive good health care would still be very costly. The price of living so long in relatively good health is steep. We just don’t want to spend so much of our income on health care, and many are simply outraged that any of their tax dollars go to help those who can’t afford it. These kind of people can’t be happy campers until they get what others must do without. They are certainly not going to do with less so that others can have more. Especially humorous are those who inherit much of what they have and then claim they earned it, let others do the same. The math is simple. When people are living some 20 years longer than in the past it is just not health care which strains the economy, but so do pension and social security costs to provide income for the retired who now live so much longer. I, for example, have already been milking the cow for 18 years.
Empathy:
Empathy is not only an admirable human trait but it brings great reward. Empathetic people are happier, smile a lot, sleep better at night, and even live longer. They have long learned when enough is enough and the excess ‘enough’ is directed towards others, during their life or their wills. Forgive and forget, live and let live, and other such phrases describe people with empathy.
Humor:
There are very few things in life I cannot find enveloped in humor. We are not, as individuals, key players in the evolutionary process. I could have shot myself any day of my life and the evolutionary process would not skip a beat. We really are not that important individually. I hate that. My pets were not important to the evolutionary process, but they were to me. My values and priorities are not going to change the world, but they are a major force which determines to what extent I can feel contentment. Humor, to me, is just a way to lower the decibels of tension in life, to take away some of the excess seriousness we tend to inject into so many situations. The more illogical something is the more humor is attached to it. That’s why so many jokes relate to sex, religion, politics, and so on. Nothing is off the table when it comes to humor except my own deficiencies, peculiar oddities, appearance, personality, and mental limitations. Or so I wish. Smile
Sadness:
There is definitely more sadness than joy in life. A hefty degree of my aloofness from groups is protection from sadness. The longer we live the more clearly we see all the sadness. Some sadness is trivial, like when my team loses the game. I can get over that in 5 minutes. When one thinks about the 75% of workers with no full time job in the world, that is painful sadness. When one thinks about the millions of children who die from curable diseases, that is penetrating sadness. When one attempts to comprehend why so many children, even in this country, are being raised in terrible home conditions, that is sadness. When one rides a city bus and observes endless examples of the outcasts and those living on the fringes of society, that is sadness. It doesn’t really help that much to realize even worse off individuals are found in many other countries. There should, of course, be relentless collective efforts to change these environments, but those of us better off are willing enough, in varying degrees, to just gate them off into ghettoes. I walk many Chicago neighborhoods but never the ghettoes. Fear and aversion to the sadness deter me. No matter how much success I gain in life I cannot fully enjoy success unless I spend equal amounts of time or money on helping the least fortunate. In my retirement years it is almost all money. In my productive years it was almost all time. That is how ethics works. You do what you can for the less fortunate or you will never reach a satisfactory level of contentment.
Love:
When it comes to love, everyone has a different story to tell. Love is a strong feeling, but a very personal one. It is a waste of time to attempt to explain to others how strong your love for someone is, and if you do attempt to explain, others will be annoyed, just drift quickly away. These very real feelings simply cannot be transmitted to someone else. Thwarted love, which was my fate, is a life long tragedy branded upon my soul. Some things in life just are to be, and we can only suck up the situation and concentrate on other aspects of our lives. Whatever life is, it will never be easy, and for some less fortunate, a genuinely damn shame. The relationship between sex and love is there, but for both entities, reason and logic are useless. “Love’s journey is individual. You don’t know with whom you’re going to fall in love…..if you fall in love with the village idiot, the wrong color, the wrong religion, the wrong sex, someone out of reach—you fall in love” (modified from James Baldwin). Therein lies the real basis for a freedom of marriage right. I tend to keep my feelings close to my vest (except when I take pen in hand) and any warm, touchy feely sort of behavior is not elicited easily unless I am genuinely in love, a rarity in itself. Love/sex is often a time bomb ready to misfire, a loose cannon in our lives. Considering the reality of this, it is perhaps a wonder that so many marriages last rather than collapse. The relationship at the time of marriage is not likely to be the same relationship years later, or maybe even months later. Everything about love and sex is stressful to varying degrees. If we ever wonder if God has a sense of humor, sex/love is proof that He does. It is not the sanctity of marriage which is amazing, but the lunacy of love/sex that is noteworthy. Instead of clergy saying “Let no man put asunder what God has put together”, it would be more realistic to intone: “Hang in there, hold on fast, hope for flexibility enough to sustain some value in this relationship, and try not to make fools of yourselves in the process”. Most do anyway. In some real sense, an intense love that never diminishes, is achieved only when someone loses their lover at the height of the relationship, like maybe one gets killed in a car crash, for example. The kind of intense love that existed for that person will never diminish throughout life. Had the same love relationship continued it may survive, but even so, it will get reduced to a more practical and realistic relationship of mutual sacrifice and tolerance. Besides, at some age, throwing oneself on the meat market is a very risky venture, not to mention all the bother one would have to go through. What one might get could very well be worse than what one already has. That includes being single.
Social groups:
Man is a social animal by nature, but the variation is huge. Some people only find solace in endless social interaction and others find solace in viewing social interactions more as theatre than participation. I am definitely in the latter. I genuinely appreciate diversity and in one sense, it is easier for someone with a unique personality to get my attention as opposed to some run of the mill vanilla being. I could probably name the number of groups I have ever joined on one hand. I can’t remember a single group outside of track my senior year that I ever joined in high school. I was never a boy scout, a little league participant, or anything else. That I ever went out for track was not my idea, but reluctant pursuit by a energetic coach. When I set a very temporary course record I suddenly became a member of the prestigious Key Club and Student Council. I don’t remember going to a single meeting.
My aversion to social settings is not a case of I get no attention and hang out as some sort of “Lonesome George” in a corner. Wherever I was employed I was well known and in the middle of professional battles of most any sort. I was often put in charge of many projects or committees but always by someone, and perhaps sometimes the motive might well have been just for the hell of it to see what happens. I was wise enough not to run for elections of any sort. People don’t vote for ‘time bombs’. When people vote they vote for candidates whose mindset and actions are more predictable. Plus I was not ‘warm’ and ‘cuddly’ but more manipulative and off the wall. I had my own way of doing things in very stubborn ways. The only elections I ever won were by the students I taught. I was ‘Professor or Teacher of the Year several times. The people whose needs I served were always more my social network than those over me. On the other hand, in most cases, my job security was protected fiercely by certain administrators in a position to protect me. But it was always a tricky, shifting situation. Little of my life until retirement has ever been on firm ground.
I virtually always was a no show when it came to faculty or university social gatherings, including graduation ceremonies, parties, tea with administrators, university sponsored events, receptions for on site visitation teams (unless I was the Project Director in which case it was absolutely mandatory), lunch with others, or student parties except for the one that the students who worked for me set up at my place for other students and faculty to attend. Those lasted until 5 in the morning but I have always been a late night person, so maybe that is what is called a ‘real’ party. I was so bad at meeting attendance that I was the only member of the Department who got a telephone call before any meeting the Chairperson wanted me at. Then it was often a case of “you generated this commotion and you have to be there to push this through, let it go down, or alter the direction. This is your baby, and when you want a vote signal me. I have to be gentle and look non partisan, nudge things your way a bit when feasible, but you have to be the one to get it passed. I can defer the issue if you are short, but not forever.” Most faculty don’t really understand that major issues are decided before the meeting to discuss the issue. You either have the votes going in, or you could lose. One faculty member, often on a different side of an issue from me, would sometimes say, “Let’s just vote. Dr. James hasn’t said much at all and that means he has the votes, why beat a dead horse?”
Being social comes in varied forms. When people comment how anti-social I am, this is a bit overstated. What they really mean is that I am not social in the same way they are. I never used the term Dr. James except in the classroom for two reasons. First, I am not an M.D. and secondly, the term Dr. is a useless term outside the classroom. If the only thing which can make us important is a title, then we aren’t very important. I have always felt those professors who dress like a student, tell the class they can call him “Harry” and run a loose ship with everyone a ‘free spirit’, have immediately reduced the success rate for the class. I suppose a few, with a unique personality, might get away with this but most just lose respect. I approached the classroom with just the opposite scenario.
There were 16 pages of rules—granted most of it was explaining the rules—students were assigned seats—if you arrived late you came in the back and sat in the back where it would be hard to hear my soft voice. Any commotion of any sort—chatting, cell phones going off, and so on, resulted in the lecture being over and they could read the subject matter in the book. Although University rules permitted me to drop any student with more than 3 unexcused absences, I didn’t care how often anyone came to class as long as they were passing. I also always made a point, the first day of class to proudly advise students “I have no prejudices, I hate everyone. The goal here is simply to get the maximum number of you knowledgeable enough about physiology to pass the exams. That is what I care about, and any behavior by anyone which is hurting their ability to perform well on the exams will be harshly addressed in the angriest way possible regardless of whether I personally like you or not, simply because that is what I am here for.” If you want a more relaxed carefree atmosphere where you can feel comfortable doing things your way, transfer to another section.”
The point is this: In the classroom you could hear a pin drop, but probably no other Professor was as accessible outside the class as myself. I was there every day or evening of the week days, and stayed for as long as students, administrators, or other faculty members were waiting after the last office hour. I got as many or more student voted Professor of the Year awards as anyone else and it was not because I was the best lecturer, the smartest Professor, the easiest grading Professor (by far), or I was anti-social. Whether it was my faculty peers, administrators, or students, I probably had more one on one conversations with any of these groups than any other faculty member. Thus, in my mind, I am not anti-social, just anti meaningless chatter in group situations. That does, I guess, make me some kind of hermit, but I can live with that.
What Brings Contentment:
This probably tells more about ourselves than any other measure. Since we are all different, for all the reasons already listed, this is less a moral issue than some might try to make it. Nothing ever satisfied Hitler, nothing ever satisfies Donald Trump, and nothing ever satisfied Jackie Gleason. Norton (Art Carney) was quoted as saying he felt really sorry for Gleason since, with all his talent and recognition, he was never a contented or happy person. Sometimes lack of contentment or happiness is a chemical imbalance somewhere in the brain. It is a mistake to say that if you can just act and think this or that way, contentment is a sure thing. Other than change, and earthly death, nothing is a sure thing in life.
For me, at some point in my early productive years, fairness and the Golden Rule became my compulsion or addiction regardless of how easy, hard, or realistic it was to seek fairness in any situation. Somewhere along the way I kind of decided that the same amount of effort, money, or time I spend on my own welfare, must be shelved out, over time, to the less fortunate. Because of my profession, I didn’t have to seek out the less fortunate, they were at my doorstep daily. Perhaps I am oversensitive to underdogs, the defenseless, those challenged in various physical or mental ways, those forlorn, friendless, ill-fitting in certain situations, and those who dressed or talked in ways which telegraphed to everyone else “don’t mess with me”. I learned early on that if you do mess with them in a way which catches them off guard, they will befriend you for life. The trick is to verbally lay into them a soon as possible in the course for some violated rule. Before they can get up any steam to tell you off, you quickly tell them to see you in your office to settle the issue. They will come to the office because they are eager to let you know just exactly with whom you are dealing. They stand out noticeably as you arrive at your office, and while others waiting are busy chatting, this person will be slouched over with a disdainful expression. When their turn comes to enter the office you look busy with some papers in your hand and cheerfully invite them to sit down and tell you what they need from you. This confuses them since after all you had publicly challenged them in front of the class, surely you must remember it. “You told me to come to the office”. “I did, well refresh my memory, but first tell a bit about yourself like did you grow up in Chicago?” “Why you need to know that?” “Well every student is important to me and every student has an interesting story to tell and different perceptions of life.” The student will cautiously start to talk about something and the more you seem interested the more they will start opening up. Once they are comfortable talking about themselves, only then do you say “you have an interesting and stressful life, we need to talk more about this during the semester, right now explain why I told you to to see me.” Maybe he came in late and didn’t come in the back door or whatever, and you simply say, “Well then of course I would get on your case. I want you to pass this course, your future is important and I want you to act like it really is important.” “Why do you care?” “Well for one thing, I am paid to care, plus I just ought to care. You don’t want me to care?” From that point on the guy will open up and be your friend. As a bonus, if anyone in the class tries to give you static over something in class this guy will forcefully tell the other student to “shut up and sit down, see Dr. James after class, don’t disrupt this class. He ‘ain’t’ your enemy, let it go, go talk to him.”
I went through all this to illustrate that these are the kinds of conversations which are meaningful to me because both parties are learning tolerance, insight into human behavior, and any continued interaction will be productive, not just meaningless banter. Conversations of this sort, or any kind of battle for fairness where fairness is absent, leaves me contented at the end of the day. Granted it is kind of a thankless task because students move on after a few years and you are not likely to ever see them again. We all have teachers we remember throughout our lives, but we seldom, or ever, go back to see them. Life moves on and we become like ships passing in the night, briefly communicating, and then we fade away over the horizon. Maybe I am not social in the context some use the term, but meaningful conversations about matters that are important to someone’s life (mine or others) are conversations which were in abundance in my life.
Once retired, it has not been money which brings me contentedness, nor any social events, nor any title, nor any contests with anyone about anything which brings me contentedness; not any gadgets, not being amused by others, not expensive traveling, or expensive hobbies, or any gift giving, and so on. No, at the end of every day I feel contented if I have a better understanding about some topic or some aspect of human nature, or am living simple enough to have the maximum amount of money available for my charitable FANAFI Fund (Find A Need And Fill It). This Fund was named after a high school teacher who used to talk a lot about this term which he lectured on a lot. He was the only teacher the really rough kids really liked. He went overboard, but I have seen him cry because some roughed edge student failed to bring a pencil to class. Sometimes his was the only class they would attend for the day and often that might be the only class they ever would pass legitimately. If they spotted him across a football field they would shout “Hey Mr. Watson, how are you doing?” Once two kids were fighting outside the school and Mr. Watson happened along and broke up the fight, turning to the kid who was beating the other one up, and with anguish all over his face Mr. Watson said ‘How could you let me down like this?” And the tough kid began to cry and apologize profusely promising “It will never happen again”. This just amazed me. Underneath that kid was afraid of life, lonely, and had no real self esteem. Mr. Watson was the only one he trusted.
I am not sure Mr. Watson really saved any of these rough edged kids. But Mr. Watson was one of the most contented people I have ever met. Whatever he gave he got back in personal contentment. Others mattered, even the least amongst us, and they in turn gave back a special kind of love and respect that was genuine and appreciated. That is not a bad goal in life, and for me I don’t tally up how many like me or don’t like me as a measure of success, but whether hardly anyone who crossed by path ever got the short end of the stick from me, or was hindered by me in their life goals, or treated in any way unfairly. We all have people we don’t like and people we like. This is natural enough since diversity prevails, but I find satisfaction in feeling that even those I don’t like were not treated unfairly. I have no idea what my batting average here is compared to others, so there is nothing really to brag about. But to the extent that I lived that way I got whatever extent of contentment in life existed for me. Fair enough. As T.O. like to say “Fair is fair”. Finally, enough people have helped me along the way in life, and the gratitude for this is real, everlasting, and further basis for contentment. Much of contentment in our terminational years may well depend a lot on how many fond memories we have of so many people in our past. Some people don’t give a lot, don’t take a lot, just sort of plod along. Maybe they need to be that way. But in latter years what is there to treasure then about the past? It was the same old, same old, over and over. I look back on my life and wonder, did I take more than I received? I don’t know, and it is moot. The race is over. I am taking my post race wind-down lap hoping I can go gently down the stream to obscurity. Hell, I already have a good start on the obscurity bit. So many people who meant so much to me at some point in my life are already dead or somewhere else now living very independently from my own. “We can never go home again.” But the memories are there to the end. Given our limitations we did the best we could. Given the need for help or support from others, to the extent we got that help or support, we remain forever grateful. We live, as every living thing before us, in a world of change, not perfection. Any personal satisfaction in life is tempered by the life of those who, for varied genuinely sad situations, go through life with a sort of quiet desperation. We can be grateful, but never have the right to brag much about ourselves. There but for the grace of chance and help from others would be ourselves among the throng of less fortunate. As always, in musings of this sort, I finish as I always do with:
“There is a way of life, a way of thinking, of behaving towards other men and your fellow creatures, towards all living things, towards the whole earth and the sky and the sun that is based on love, on compassion, on respect, on cherishing everything there is around you because it is wonderful, unique, it’s natural and good and it evolved that way by itself, it’s got to be cherished and if we think like that, and live that kind of life, we can all have our freedom, we can all have our happiness, we can all feel the sun and smell the grass and smell the flowers and look upon each other with appreciation.” (Unknown)
