An Unforgettable Melancholic Tale of Ghetto Life:
I have seen my share of good outcomes in life, an even bigger share of tragedies, and at some point enough is enough. God's evolutionary process may be brilliant, but it leaves a path strewn with victims en route to progress. My career gave me a long standing front row seat to view the early productive years of a diverse population of young people. I recently stumbled across something I wrote decades ago. It is a tale unsettling and yet so typical of too much about life. A lot of what happens to people in life has little, if anything, to do with good and evil, but fortunate and unfortunate. Reality is often too much in our face and too brutal to fully comprehend. It has been my nature to question my own fate had I been born in a different time, in a different place, to different parents, with different physical and mental characteristics. Thus I have always been intrigued with those mired from birth in more difficult circumstances, and how they escape or overcome such disadvantages. This is a real tale, perhaps interesting to others and maybe not. It interests me again because I need to see if decades later any better answers come to the surface. I could write dozens upon dozens of tales about young people which raise more questions than answers. And such tales involve young people from all kinds of background. Delete if it is not your cup of tea.
Ray was a tall lanky otherwise nondescript young adult. I first met him when he was sitting outside my office for like 2 hours, I thinking he was waiting to see someone else since he never claimed he was next to come in my office. So, gathering my things I prepared to leave when he awkwardly indicated he wanted to see me. When I inquired why he sat there for two hours he simply explained he was not in any of my classes and so thought he had to wait until the others were done. "Ok, so what do you want?" I impatiently asked. Looking about as uncomfortable as any young person can, he told me a friend told him to come to see me if he needed a job. I assumed he was a biology or chemistry major and wanted to be hired on a research grant. But, it turned out, he was a math major and so I told him his friend was just pulling a joke on him. He had the kind of face that mirrored his emotional state and it was clear this 'joke' was very unsettling---he just reeked with embarrassment. I walked out of the building with him, tried to make small talk, and failed, but I sensed he needed encouragement so I told him he should check with me once in a while, and if I heard of any jobs around, I would let him know. HIs eyes got real big and he stared at me with wonderment: "You will, really?
The next day, the students who worked for me were laughing because their friend Ray had been fooled and waited 2 hrs on a wild goose chase. I forgot the whole thing until several weeks later when I bumped into Ray on the campus and asked: "Hey, I thought you were going to check in with me about a job?" He told me he was too embarrassed to come back. I told him: "Look, if you really want to find a job on campus, you are going to have to learn to be a pest, a real persistent pest with people." So he showed up again. I knew of no jobs (I hadn't really thought about it either), so felt a bit guilty and talked with him a bit, but he volunteered little information about himself, like I was prying and he didn't feel comfortable with it. So I asked the students who worked for me and found out Ray lived in a small apartment with his mother in the worst ghetto in Chicago. I responded that he didn't seem ghetto to me. They told me there is no one like Ray, that he didn't swear, didn't smoke, didn't lie, didn't drink, and lived in his own little restricted world.
Anyway, I was in charge of the Animal care Facility at the University and we were looking for a Civil Service person to manage the Animal Room operation. I kept insisting to the Chairperson that we ought to let a responsible student run the facility, and this was holding the thing up. But I had a 'cool' Chairperson at the time and she finally said to me, "Reid, do it your way, this is your area, but the Administration is not going to go along with this, and I am putting my opposition to this in writing and if it blows up in your face, you and you alone will have to take responsibility. You don't hire a student to manage an Animal Care Facility." Shortly after that Ray stopped by again still looking for work. For some reason, in the middle of our conversation, it struck me that maybe Ray could run the Animal Care Facility. So I told Ray I had a job for him after all, but he had to promise me that he would be absolutely responsible about it. He lit up like a Christmas tree, one big smile and two mammoth jubilant eyes. He quickly became incredulous that he was going to get a job and then became aghast: "There are animals in this building? What kind of animals? Rats? Are you kidding? I'm afraid of animals. How big are these rats? Will I have to touch them?" I cut him off. "look Ray, you want a job, you want to make a decent salary, you got to toughen up and just do what you need to do to make a go of it. If you really can't handle it I will fire you, but you need to at least try, and trust me not to give you something you can't handle." But he wouldn't , or I should say just couldn't budge, he was frightened to death. This was back in the 70's when the minimum wage was like $4.50/hr and the highest student pay level on campus was like $6/hr. A Civil Service employee would have cost like $20,000/yr. So I told Ray I would pay him $9/hr to do the job. His friends who worked for me and had pulled the 'trick' on him got like $5.50/hr. After two days of pushing him, he finally agreed to give it a try. I sensed he certainly would try.
His friends from my lab came down all laughing, telling me that Ray was trying to get even with them for their 'joke', telling them that he was going to be in charge of the Animal Care Facility and that he was going to be paid $9/hr. Their laughter turned to shock when I reminded them that, in their own words, Ray doesn't lie. "How can he be in charge of the Animal Room, he is afraid of all animals. He isn't even a science major." So I leveled with them: "Look, he is your friend, you know his situation in life, so you help him, you get him not to be afraid of animals, build up his confidence. And by the way, he really is in charge of the Animal Care Facility, so if any of you give him any static or fail to meet any rules set up, you will be fired. So help your friend and protect your own ass and my neck here. You all told me there is no one else like Ray, so unless you have changed your mind, let's all of us make it work."
The administrators balked at paying Ray $9/hr., some $3/hr higher than the highest student pay. Absolutely can't be done they claimed. At 25 hrs/wk his salary would come to $11,700, a more than $8000 saving over a Civil Service employee. Faced with having $8000 more dollars in their budget to squander away, or having me revert to accepting a Civil Service employee they gave in and of course found a way to pay Ray $9/hr. My lab assistants really did help him. Ray had trouble giving orders or enforcing rules but also understood he would get fired if he didn't, and he was so unassuming and naive that other students helped him along by teaching him how to say what he wanted done and be tough about it. The faculty fell in line quickly, a miracle in itself. Typical was one faculty member who told me: "That guy you have running the Animal Care facility is really a nice guy. I fussed at him about something the other day and then afterward felt real bad I had ever hollered at him. He held his ground but in such a way that he made me feel like a jerk for fussing. I went back and apologized and told him not to let any of us tell him how to run the facility. Everyone who works for me I have told to do whatever he says in regards to the animal room."
Next came the battle over a key to the building so he could get in at any time. Not even faculty were given keys to the building, you had to call security at odd hours. It took a letter from NIH dictating that the person in charge of the Animal Care facility must have a key to the building before the administration would give him one. Over time one learns who will jump for who and why. At some point someone found out Ray sometimes slept overnight in one of the animal room prep rooms. Ray explained to me that his work up in Animal Care often kept him up there late and his mom didn't want him on the city buses and trains and streets late at night. Fortunately security had come to know Ray well and took a united stand that having Ray in the building all night actually gave the Biology Building more security than any other building. All the Department Chairs in the building had endorsed giving Ray a key. I got the usual letter of pompous condemnation for creating the stir. Fair enough.
Soon Ray was a fixture around the building even though he wasn't a science major. I can't recall ever having to discipline or even fuss at him about anything. He was perfect for the job. The students working on a research project with me were scheduled to fly to New Orleans to give research reports, and this venture left Ray green with envy. Most kids in a ghetto rarely stray more than a few blocks from home, if I can use the term loosely. I never have really understood that. One day I asked Ray, "You want to go to New Orleans?" He had never been outside Chicago in his life, never been anywhere period. I put him on the travel list and the administration reacted as expected. I got a note stating since Ray was not giving any report he could not go and it was non negotiable. Well (smile), every grant brought into the University brings with it 10% overhead to the University. So, I told them fine, but if he stays, I will not reapply for the grant. I noted that Ray was just as much a member of the group as anyone else and he had earned the right to go---he was saving the University thousands of dollars, was doing an excellent job, had little going for him in his home life, and deserved a little perk now and then. Speaking of perks, I reminded the administration, the cost of Ray to go was little more than the cost to provide a catered lunch at a meeting of the Deans. I got the student newspaper to run a poll over whether Ray should go and the Deans bring their own lunch for the next meeting. Ray went, and I am sure the Deans had their usual catered lunch. Win, win I guess that is called.
A legitimate question is certainly why I was repeatedly willing to clash with University administrators in order to secure the welfare of Ray. I think the answer is that Ray sort of intrigued the hell out of me. List all the qualities we tend to say are noble in human nature----honesty, responsibility, humility, unselfishness, cooperativeness, diligence, loyalty, tolerance, politeness, etc. and there it all seemed to be in Ray---a young person raised by a single parent in the worse area of an urban ghetto with not a pot to piss in. As I told the Chairperson, "We are all busy gouging our pockets from the pot of money available to run the University, so what is wrong with letting a kid like Ray get a small handful of it? And who works harder for the little bit of money we let Ray grab? Everybody wins here, including the damn administrators and yet they try to make out there is a problem going on here." The Chairperson in this case was cool. She was a character in her own right. In her office one day, while I was there, the phone rang and it was one of the Vice-Presidents. Her response to the call went something like this: "Oh, for Christ's sake, haven't you got something better to do? The Animal Care Facility is being run fine, probably one of the cleanest in the country, and we are saving money. No, I am not going to tell Dr. James anything, he won't listen anyway, and I am quite happy with the Animal Room. You can try to remove him from control but it will bring NIH out here and you will lose. Leave it all alone. What do you guys know about running an Animal Care Facility? It is mostly cleaning up shit, why are you so concerned who cleans up shit?" Anyway she was a cool person in my book. If we want to do a good job our own way, we need be very careful about the kind of boss we have.
One day a new EKG instrument arrived and I wanted to test it out. Ray was around with the rest of the students so I asked him to sit and let us hook him up to the machine. Ray would not do it no matter how hard I pushed, insisting that it was not part of his job description. So later I called him into the office and asked him what that was all about. He hemmed, he hawed, he fidgeted around and finally told me one time in high school he tried out for basketball and in some sort of physical a doctor told him he needed to get this heart checked out and wouldn't pass Ray on the physical. But Ray was afraid of doctors and had no health insurance. For many weeks I leaned on him not to ignore the situation, that he had to get some medical tests. But he was adamant, he felt fine, he couldn't afford it, and was scared. Finally I called the University of Chicago Hospital, identified myself as a physiologist and asked to speak to one of their cardiac specialists. I did, and after some coaxing he agreed to examine Ray free of charge. But the problem was Ray would not agree to go in, and was upset I was causing him stress over all this. Finally he agreed to go in if I and the Chairperson would go with him. So off the three of us went, and the Chairperson and I sat around the Hospital all morning. Finally the doctor came out all irritated, telling me "Look, I was under the impression there was going to be nothing wrong with this kid, that he needed assurance----well there is something wrong and it needs to be addressed. Ray had several more appointments with the doctor. Ray went back on his own, the doctor gave him some medication, and I let it go.
There are countless stories about Ray, like the time he came in and told me not to get mad, but sometimes late at night. he let this dog, some wild dog, stay up in the animal room with him. Ray met the dog on his walks across a wooded area of the campus to get to the University. He began to feed the dog and students who worked in the cafeteria saved scraps for the dog to give to Ray. Then, when real cold weather came Ray started to bring the dog into the building. I asked if the security guards knew he was doing this. He said yes, but they just pretended they didn't see the dog. Nights when Ray was not staying over the guards would get the scraps from the refrigerator for the dog and feed the dog outside the Animal Care Facility door. The dog would lay outside the door the whole night waiting for Ray. In the morning the security guards would let the dog out. I told Ray it was a security matter and not my business. It is difficult to deal with the 'Rays' of the world and abide by all the rules. The rules are not bad, they sometimes just don't fit.
After several months working for me, I was talking about something with Ray in the office and I felt he was kind of staring at me. "What are you staring at me for, is there something on your mind?" Ray replied, " I was just thinking, I didn't know you could talk to a white person the way we talk. It just seemed different talking to a white person. I can't explain it, but you seem different, like I can talk to you about anything." I told him, "Good, that will make it easier for you to get through life as soon as you feel comfortable talking to all sorts of people." Actually, I should not have been so perplexed. I grew up in town where maybe 25% of the population was black. I never had a black teacher, there was only one black in my whole neighborhood and I don't know that he had any close friends, all the students (as far as I can recall) who were in my 'college prep' classes were white, my church members were all white, etc. So, I suppose at Ray's age I could have said the same thing to a black Professor. I don't recall any real hostility or anything, blacks were just invisible. Until I went out for sports there just was no real contact. Back then the 60's were yet to come.
Then came graduation time and Ray was all excited about getting his degree. So I suggested to the Chairperson that we throw a party for Ray. She said ok, we could do it in one of the labs. But I resisted, felt we should make a big deal, do something special in a fancy setting. She replied "Reid, I can never predict exactly what you are about to make a big deal about, but fine, you line up this fancy setting and get it paid for, and I will help organize the rest." Well, I thought about it--especially how Ray had more than repaid me for the faith I placed in him not to mess up his responsibilities----and decided to think big, make this 'nobody' from no man's land be treated like royalty. So I went to the John Hancock Building (then the tallest building in Chicago), the top of which had a famous observation deck for the city, an exquisite restaurant, and a special events lounge. I talked to the manager of the facility and explained I wanted to throw a graduation party for Ray in the special events room with it's panoramic view of the city. How much would it cost? He laughed, "Well, a hell of a lot more than you will ever be able to pay, don't be ridiculous". I asked if it was booked every night. There were very few nights when something was not going on there he explained. So, I queried him, "What is wrong with letting this kid have his graduation party there on one of those nights, does the room always have to be used only for the affluent? To up the ante I told him the Mayor of Chicago would be invited, newspaper columnists, etc. Much of life is luck and he just threw up his hands and said "Ok, you can have the room, no charge, but you have to supply any food and all I will provide is an open bar at normal bar prices, not the price in the cocktail lounge." Of course I did invite the Mayor and several newspaper columnists, but they naturally were not expected to show.
The invitations made it clear that this was a surprise party and no one was to say anything to Ray. And they were to bring something to eat, a pot luck sort of affair. I told Ray that myself and another Professor were going to take him, his girlfriend, and his mother out to dinner to celebrate his graduation. Ray was delighted---except he refused to bring his mother. "Why not I asked?" He never really gave me a good answer, just said he didn't think it would be a good idea. I got the impression that he felt she would be uncomfortable or an embarrassment to him or whatever. For all the attachment he had to his mother, he didn't want her out in public with him, at least not with a professorial crowd. Their relationship was very private. I still laugh at the disgust of one of the more distinguished Professors who cringed at the idea of him carrying up a dish of food to the top of the Hancock Building. Perhaps it was the only time food was brought up to the Special Events Room in that fashion.
The real tribute to Ray lied in the fact that no other student who worked for me, or any of his friends, or any of the faculty, were in any way jealous of the special treatment given here to him. Everyone eagerly attended, and of course Ray was simply stunned. Another Professor met with Ray and his girlfriend and told them they would meet me at the restaurant. Everything in life just seemed to make Ray wide eyed, even a math problem he could finally figure out. In the elevator I was told he was wide eyed about how far up the elevator was going. When he entered the darkened special events room he rushed to a window and started wowing at the sight of the city. His amazement started everyone laughing, the lights went on and Ray and his girlfriend were simply overwhelmed and bewildered. They tried to make him give a little speech, but he just stood there with tears streaming down his cheeks asking "Is this for me?" So we all felt good, those who didn't tear up felt like it, all of us realizing that probably for the first time in his life a party was set up for him, and that it was the ultimate in elegance. For one night Ray---the nobody----was literally on top of the city, a real somebody. The manager pulled me aside, "I know you pulled a fast one here, but no party up here has ever had such genuine good feelings or filled with such appreciation. Half my staff was in tears. You got me reprimanded, but I am glad we did this. Just don't ask to do it again."
Like almost all students, once they graduate you lose track of them. Maybe 10 years later, late one afternoon, Ray walked into my office----drunk. I was stunned---this was not the Ray I knew. Like drunks tend to do, he babbled on about how good I had been to him, about how much he enjoyed working in the Dept, etc. But none of it was anything but a real irritant to me, coming as it was, in a drunken stupor. So I gave him hell about his drinking and told him if he wanted to chat with me he had to come back sometime when he was sober. Ray was currently teaching math at an inner city high school. The Dept secretary was retiring and a big retirement dinner was being held for her. She had been like a second mother to Ray and so I asked him to come to the dinner. He said he would. He did not.
Months later Ray appeared at my office door again. Inebriated again too. He told me he thought he was dying, he had gone to the hospital, they had been rude to him, and security had thrown him out. He wanted me to raise hell with them for him. My response was pure disgust, annoyance, disappointment. It all seemed surreal. I told him to come back again when he was sober. I dismissed his claim of dying as nonsense, that his problem was his drinking, and shoed him away. He told me he might try to find that doctor I took him to years ago.
Not too long after that, maybe a couple of months, I got a call at home telling me that Ray was dead---rushed to the hospital with a heart problem and he died the next morning. Finally I understood the picture, he obviously had not followed through on his heart problem, it finally got caught up with him, and he had come back for help, but got pushed away with disgust. If I go to hell it will be for stuff like this. Ray was not the first or the last person who has come to me for help, depended on me to help, and I failed them. The reasons always varied, were logical enough, but failure is failure and no amount of regret corrects failure.
I was back East visiting my parents when the funeral occurred. The former Dept Secretary went to the funeral and told me all the persons could not fit in the Church, that there was so much loud wailing she couldn't hear all that was said and the whole thing made her cry. Well, clearly Ray wasn't always drunk and sorry-assed. I thought about the administrators at the University and what they would say (of course administrators come and go and were no longer at the University). They would sneer and say, "Well Reid, your man Ray turned out to be a pathetic drunk. I guess he wasn't so special after all. It was a figment of your imagination. Without you pulling strings for him where did he go? Right down the tube." I suppose in some sense they are right, but then again when they or I die I doubt the Church will overflow and the wailing drown out the speakers. Perspective is everything. I called Ray's mother when I got back from the East Coast and talked to her. She said yes, she knew exactly who I was, that Ray had had talked about me to her all the time. She seemed a simple plain woman, no hysteria, no anger, no blame, a woman well adjusted to her fate in life. I wondered what would happen to her and felt Ray would want me to keep an eye on her. But again, I just couldn't pull the trigger. Ray had a twin brother who I met but once, and Ray had a wife. Let them watch over the mother. I wouldn't even dare visit the mother, not in that neighborhood, park my car and wander up into some dilapidated building. If Ray was an interesting study, so would be the mother and the twin brother. He stopped by my office one time as I was leaving for class. He looked exactly like Ray, I thought it was Ray and told him I had to get to class, couldn't talk. Now I wish I had chatted with him a bit. I am sure Ray must of told me something about his brother but I can't remember any of the details.
I need time to evaluate several aspects of this tale. Decades of observing young people of all sorts from varied backgrounds has given me a lot of input, but the data is tricky to interpret. God's evolutionary process, however we want to define it, works---BUT human understanding is limited. It is easier to trace past footprints than to comprehend where it is all heading, what our individual role is in the process, and how something could ever come from nothing. The latter question is the $64,000 question (remember that TV show?). It is reasonable enough to say God created the process or products, but then where did God come from? Human reasoning demands that the beginning of anything starts with something. Yet something obviously came from nothing, and that is just too far out for current human intelligence. Well, at least mine. 70+ years of wandering, observing, and pondering---all very humbling, but so much is still elusive, vague, and dimly lit.
