Rules for Enjoying Old Age
There are two major shifts in most lives: passing from the formative to the productive years and shifting from the productive to the terminational years. Naturally the shift varies in age from person to person. The productive years are usually ended with retirement. We could linger on what exactly productive means, but it implies here that our official commitment to a salaried job is over and productive output in any sense is voluntary, not obligatory. We are not being paid anymore for whatever it is we are doing.
Older people are as diverse as any other age group so particular rules may not apply to all, thus those rules which follow are more food for thought than any etched in stone pearls of wisdom. What may be a fit for myself can hardly be expected to be a fit for everyone else. The only commonality is a desire to be contented in our final stage of life. Sometimes, maybe that is the only stage of life in which we can really be contented. The rest of life was a race. First we had to go through endless years of training (the formative years) and for various reasons some training is better than others, but many of the variables are rarely under our control to any extent. Then comes the real race in life, affectionately called the rat race, and we do what we can on what is rarely a level playing field, with endless choices to make and priorities to set. Sometimes we like to take credit for our own successes, major or minor, but realistically almost always there are others whose help was needed at crucial times for our success. We would do well, for our own peace of mind, to never forget these people, and the ethics here would dictate that we ourselves need to help others in need as needed. It seems people who don’t do this are never happy campers, and go through life taking, but seldom or ever giving—unless the giving is for self serving purposes—a family values mind set. These kind of people may reach their terminational phase of life but how they will ever enjoy this phase of life is a mystery. So the rules which follow hardly apply to these people. They went down the wrong path in their productive years and all the money, titles, power, social presence, control and other such personal acquisitions are rather useless in their terminational years.
The needed prerequisites for an enjoyable terminational phase of life are decent health, economic security, and personal security. Some, really admirable individuals, can achieve substantial contentment in life when all of the aforementioned are not in place. We all know some people who have faced severe adversity in their lives and yet somehow manage to find some contentment in their lives despite it all. How they do it is beyond comprehension. Nothing, at least to me, is more depressing than the kind of cards some people are dealt in life. “Why them, why not me?” is a very troublesome observation in life. There is no way for any ethical person to reach full contentment in life when so many others in life are existing under such ghastly circumstances. If society cannot find ways to help the least fortunate in life there is no way for contentment levels for anyone to reach their potential. But let us ignore the forest for now and focus on the trees.
Rule #1: Do not be a pest to others, especially those in the midst of their productive years. Find ways to amuse yourself, not depend on others to entertain you. This includes offspring, friends, neighbors—oh, just anyone else at all. More older people whine about being ‘ignored’ than any other subject. You want to go places—go.You want to eat out for a particular kind of meal—go. You want to visit museums, nature spots, stores, whatever——go. If people really want your company for whatever reason, they will be the ones asking you to do this or that. Too many parents bribe their kids for company via paying for meals, trips, house payments, etc. The message is always clear enough—these treats come with a demand for social interaction. There is never any healthy interaction based on created guilt. The truth is the parents supported their kids for like two decades and if the offspring do the right thing they will try to repay their parents in time or treats if they are at all appreciative. If they aren’t appreciative, they just aren’t, and the parents can’t make them. If the kids had been raised well, then the parents did the right thing, and doing the right thing always generates satisfaction in the person doing the right thing.
If it is our nature to be socially active, then we need find groups who are also looking for social interactions. We should never act like friends do not change over time or become more distant from us for varied reasons. If they really miss us or want to continue the interaction they will visit us, call us, or email us lot etc. If they don’t, it is rude and useless to visit them, call them constantly, or email them endlessly. As we have the right to spend our current days with whomever we choose to, so do others. There is no right or wrong here, no reason to blame anyone. What benefit you gained from former good friends—the good memories—will always be there and be part of the bricks which built your own life into a beautiful temple. Gratitude is what you owe friends from the past, not endless irritation that they are no longer a part of your current life. You can never, for sure, ever really go home again. How many times do we go to a reunion of some sort and come away disappointed that things are no longer what they once were. Are there exceptions to all this? Of course, but the exceptions are rare.
We should never force ourselves to be a part of a ‘democratic’ group in which our own interests and preferences will forever be ignored while a majority consensus is used to decide matters at hand. We will rarely be satisfied, and the majority will make sure we understand just what the reality will always be. We need always remember that we are entitled in our terminational years to do the things WE want and others are entitled to do the things THEY want. So if we need group interactions we need find groups in which WE are part of the majority who rule group actions. If we can learn to do things on our own it just makes things a lot more simple. And best of all, it makes everyone happy. Well, at least it should and if others are mad because we care not to dance to their tune all the time, well, that is their problem. We should never make it ours.
Rule #2
We terminational oldsters should do whatever we want within the limits of the Golden Rule. If we can’t do this, then we can never achieve much contentment since the Golden Rule is essentially the genetic basis for human ethics. It is a universal ethical principle found in all human societies. Unethical people will never reach very high contentment levels in their life. In our terminational years we finally have the time to do many of the things we never had the time to do in our productive years. So we should now do them.
Rule #3
Whatever success we managed to achieve in life has to be shared with the least fortunate. This is part of the Golden Rule. Remember, the playing fields of life are never level. They simply cannot be for the evolutionary process to proceed. Diversity breeds progress. God’s laws which govern the process are about progress for the process, not laws which exist to be overruled by any insistence by us to be excused from the laws because of inherited religion, our environment, prayers, rituals, personality, physical traits, or mental acumen. For life to be fair at all, those who, for example, are not the sharpest knives in the drawer, need assistance from those who are. That is the neat thing about the evolutionary process. Humans have the ability, both individually and collectively, to make life more palatable for the less fortunate. This human trait is clearly not fully developed yet, albeit there has been improvement over human history, and no doubt this improvement will continue, exactly how rapidly or after how many temporary setbacks is unknowable. Evolutionary advancements have sometimes been stalled for millions of years. But the advancements have always come, not on our time scale, but on God’s time scale. When we make every effort to reach our own ethical potential we achieve contentment. Here is a very simple example. Once, late at night I was trying to get someplace in the city. I asked directions from a young man who looked the perfect caricature of someone not to engage with in any fashion. He was young, with a bandana wrapped around his head, pants hanging down, tattoos, and the perfect gangsta look. His goal was clearly to let everyone else know, don’t mess with him. I, of course, looked just the opposite, albeit not dressed up too fancy. It is probably best in city situations, to look more like you have already been mugged. At any rate, he seemed startled I spoke to him and taken aback that I would ask him for directions. He managed to mumble some directions and off I headed. I hadn’t gotten two blocks away when he came running up behind me. “Uh oh” I thought, “Is he coming after me?” But he stopped and exclaimed, “Hey man, I told you wrong, you need go the other direction, my bad.” “Well,” I replied, “you are being very kind to me and I appreciate it”. His smile was genuine and I could see he was proud of himself. He knew, for whatever reason, he did the right thing and this gave him some temporary contentment. Now, if he could just learn that the goal in life was not to get everyone to fear him, but to like him, he would go so much further. But I guess in his environment, living meant ensuring no one ever messed with him. Sad.
At any rate, in our terminational years we need find some way to help the least fortunate. Depending on our own situation this might involve time, direct assistance personally, or spending our excess money on charitable organizations set up to help the least fortunate. Simply put, being a pest to others generates frustration and disappointment, helping those least fortunate generates contentment. None of us got as far as we got in life without good genetics, our environment, and endless help from others. What goes around comes around, and for those of us who have received much, much is demanded. The worst thing we can do is sit around and watch our material wealth get piled higher and higher, then give it all to our offspring or friends, who in most cases, are hardly the least fortunate in life. The reality of life is that once raised, humans are expected to be on their own. This hardly means parents like their offspring less, but the healthiest relationship for both parents and offspring is to cut the financial apron strings. That is the only fair way, the only responsible way, and the only way the least fortunate in life can ever find enough help to get the playing fields more level. It seems most of us understand, at least to some level, that those offspring who have been ‘over parented’ and ‘overprotected’ have been done a great disservice. Strangely, those parents who themselves had to struggle so hard to so slowly better their situation in life, are often the same parents who swear “my kids are not going to have it so rough”, and with this mentality deprive their kids of ever achieving the needed level of personal responsibility. Real contentment comes from within, never imposed from without.
Rule #4
Trying to make everyone like you is not only disingenuous, but self-destructive. We are, in fact, by the laws of nature, distinct individuals. We can only be a notable ‘somebody’ if we stay true to ourselves within the confines of the Golden Rule. To be different is natural. It is the only way any of us can make a contribution to the future. Where would the evolutionary process be if everyone succeeded in being just like every other member of the species? The differences get sorted out, one way or another, and progress prevails, not overnight, but over eons of time. We are not different in the sense we can express our differences like a bull in a china shop, but by painfully learning how to be different without being destructive to others, and in return, learning to appreciate the diversity of others. If we cannot do this, we cannot be contented to any degree. Those who learn to so much love mirror reflections of themselves are destined for a frustrating, anger filled life. ‘Fair is fair’ eventually prevails, justice for all progresses, and humanity moves a step higher on the evolutionary ladder.
In our terminational years we have the time, and past experiences, to sort out what life is about and how everyone fits into the evolutionary picture. In addition, we may not really know a damn thing about God regarding any particulars, but we do know that where there is a gift, there is a gift giver. So we don’t waste time constructing a God to fit our own image, but understand as much about life as we can, free of faith based self serving tripe. If we cannot know everything, we can at least be honest about what we do not know. To pretend to know what we do not know is illusionary knowledge which, of course, is not knowledge at all.
Rule #5
We are all best served in our terminational years by reflecting on our blessings over the years including those who made such blessings possible, and then sharing these blessings with those less fortunate. Those who expect us to share our material wealth with them rather than the less fortunate, whether they be offspring or friends, are hardly friends or grateful offspring if this is the price dictated for a good relationship with them. When I was young I had the best friends possible and we never spent any time buying each other presents. There is hardly any greater gift a parent can give a child than to raise a child properly with the best effort possible under the circumstances. Having done that, monetary responsibility to the child ceases and responsibility to those less fortunate supersedes. After all, being a responsible citizen as a bus driver, is not a tragedy requiring parental input of cash for them to live a more lavish life. Not paying bus drivers a living wage is another matter, and a collective societal failure, not a parental failure.
Rule #6
In our termination years we need reflect, reflect, reflect—to put all the pieces of the puzzle about life together as some sort of final understanding of ourselves, others, and the world in which we live. To the extent we can put it together, as best we are able to put it together, we will achieve some contentment. If we have reached our terminational stage of life, then been there, done that—prevails—and we are not going to enrich our life by pretending we need be there and do that again. We are better served letting go and moving on. Every day of our terminational years is a day best served by achieving some progress on our own final understanding of life. For the human species, understanding is an important goal in life. We cannot understand if we will not make the effort to learn. Children are expected to mature, and to the extent they do, they become a more productive citizen. A person in their terminational years is best served by creating a reflective and peaceful life situation, in which they find solace and contentment in what is really the summary phase of life. Those terminational stage souls who seek new adventures, excitement, competition, domination, power, more money, more social recognition, more attention from others, and continued involvement in the ‘rat race’ are in for a frustrating and bitter terminational life. They are trying to swim upstream in vain. They try to be young again when they cannot. They try to be some sort of continued parent again when they cannot. They put demands on others which is as unfair as it is futile. They try, in so many ways, to go home again, and they simply cannot. The past is no where to be found. What once was, is no longer. What is left is the opportunity to put-together their own personal perspective of life as they lived it and now understand it—a sort of final picture of life from all the pieces of life they accumulated over their lifespan.
Rule #7
Fear of death is a really pervasive and crippling mental state. Everyone of us, if we know anything, know we are going to die. Death is as natural and universal aspect of life as anything can possibly be. Of course we would all like to be the most good looking person in the world, but all but one of us is not, and so we move on, unless we are total fools. And we all would not like to die, but we will, and if we cannot accept this, and insist on fearing this, then our terminational years will be increasingly dominated by this fear. Some will even try to put all this on God and insist it is only God Who decides when anyone dies. Of course, if they believe this, the endless prayers commence, always some sort of “not yet God”. To have such an absurd belief is really weird. This would mean when some child gets brutally raped and murdered, this was all God’s decision and intent. We dismiss it all with some sort of banal “God moves in mysterious ways”. Perhaps it is they who think in mysterious ways. In any kind of sane world, each individual would, to the extent possible, have control over their own dying process. If an individual reaches the point where they want to end their own life, they should be allowed to do it in a painless way, after reasonable legal guidelines are met. If someone does not want to live another 6 months or decades under some sort of condition in which life is not bearable for them, why the hell should they have to? To please who? For what reason? Exactly who gave them the right to control someone else’s dying process?
Rule # 8
Establish a good relationship with a quality doctor and medical facility. Maintaining good health is an important part of having a successful terminational phase of life.
When you have health questions go to Google, put in the questions or area followed by Mayo Clinic, and almost always you will get some excellent advice about the condition or what is a healthy practice or source of food, etc. There are many excellent medical centers in the country but Mayo Clinic does the best job of sharing their combined vast knowledge with the public via the internet. While most ‘health nuts’ eat well and exercise, they often waste a lot of money on anecdotal medicine. Keeping weight down is of primary importance as are controlling lipid levels, and exercising joints. In the terminational years forget power workouts and stressful activities on joints. Stretching exercises and lot’s of walking or mild swimming are the best exercises. Never miss a chance to walk more steps. The idea is to keep the body toned a bit, and joints limbered up, not to stress them unduly. We do have hip, knee and other joint replacements now but why would we want to rush into any of that?
Rule #9
Maintain a good sense of humor. Don’t sweat the small stuff. At the terminational stage of life it is all small stuff. What others are doing is theatre for us and keep it that way. Go with the majority on most matters, let others, especially the next generation, run the show. That is the way it should be. I never have any suggestions concerning how things should be at the condo where I live. Let those in the productive phase of their life determine all that. If I don’t like it at some point I can move. After a certain age most are not overly interested in what old people think or want. And they shouldn’t be. A younger generation is in charge now.
Rule #10
Find delight in simple things. During the ‘rat race’ years, life can be complicated, with high end emotional states day after day, time pressures, family crises pressures, competitive pressures, peer clashes, and any number of strains on your survival skills. But those are the years when we are best able to handle all these kind of things, and we get to enjoy endless excitement while enduring losses. This is not what anyone needs in their terminational years. What is needed in this phase of life, for most people, is some financial security in an atmosphere of peace and quiet. Location is important. Don’t live isolated out in the hills somewhere nor right in the middle of a major city. There are exceptions to this however. Live in a nice suburb near a commuter train station to the city. Senior citizens get reduced fares on trains and buses, so if we want to go to something in the city we will find it convenient and inexpensive. In a suburb we have access to endless eating establishments and parks and places to shop. I, for example, live right in a condominium where the days of having endless yard work and house projects are over. Each day is then available to do exactly what I want.
A caveat to all this: I once took a methods course for teaching science. The professor called on me to explain the best method to teach a certain concept in science. I replied there was no best method. He exploded, asked me what I thought he was there for, and why would I make such a ignorant statement? I replied that if we listed the ten best instructors in our life, they would not all have the same teaching method. I got a D in the methods course, but fortunately that professor went on sabbatical the next semester and I got an A in practice teaching from a different instructor. There is obvious truth to the reality that different people often accomplish a task with a way that fits their own personality and talents to achieve similar successful outcomes. Thus, there is no best way to teach, no best way to coach, no best way to be a good teammate, no best painting, no best song, no best kind of music—and of course not, since diversity is one of the cornerstones of evolutionary progress. The 10 rules above can only be food for thought, and measured against every person’s unique being. For the most part, it is never too smart, in the long run, or in the matter of personal contentment, to be someone you are not. We are, in the last analysis, only constricted to fit in when what we are doing does not conform to the Golden Rule. Only when we learn to appreciate diversity and it’s role in the evolutionary process can we ever find any degree of contentment in our lives.
