Misplaced Marriage Debate
The debate rages as to who should be allowed to marry who. Maybe first we need to examine all the changes that have occurred this past half century in the institution of marriage itself. People throw around the 'sanctity of marriage' phrase right from the beginning of the marriage ceremony: "Let no man put asunder what God has put together". That sounds pretty nifty except somewhere between 40% to 50% of marriages end up in divorce. Strange, in divorce proceedings no one ever accuses God of having messed up. I guess maybe God is not too talented at match making. Personally, I don't think He ever got involved.
People marry at a later age now. Quite a bit later, from the avg age of 20 in 1950 until 27 these days. I am not sure what 'sanctity of marriage' really means but there does seem a lot of concern by a lot of people that their marriage will lose this sanctity if gays get married. Maybe so if I could understand better what the phrase means.
Only half of eligible Americans now marry. It was 72% 50 years ago. It seems there should be a bit more concern why old fashioned marriage is becoming less popular and lasting much less longer before we leap frog to obsessing over any new razzle dazzle type of marriages. There is a sanctity leakage somewhere, and has been for the last half century.
I would be the last person to profess any insight as to what is going on with marriage these days. Perhaps it has something to do with the modern day environment within which we live our lives. Much of our social life these days involves the internet, cell phones, chat rooms, computer games, face book, and other avenues I know even less about. A satisfactory relationship for two to live together is a bit more complicated than simply turning to our various gadgets for amusement. Between pets and gadgets, other more potentially contentious relationships seem risky, both emotionally and financially.
Here are some more stats in no order and beyond any useful perspectives on my part:
% who have been divorced: Jews---30%; Born Again Christians---27%, other Christians----24%, Agnostics----21%. Close enough together for me not to get picky about blame.
The # of co-habitating unmarried couples has increased 10 fold between 1960 and 2000; and increased 88% between 1990 and 2007. Why are these couples avoiding the sanctity of marriage? We really need work on getting this phrase defined more clearly.
40% of couples today cohabitate first before marriage but a recent stat stated the percentage of both kind of marriages who end up divorcing is the same. So much for trial runs.
40% of all births are to unmarried women (2007). Wow. Fortunately studies seem to show single parents can effectively raise children. I don't know the percentage of all parents, single or coupled, who really do raise kids properly. That might be a depressing stat. There is this generalized perception that these pregnancies to single mothers are all ignorant mistakes. Hardly, there are a good number of women out there who really want a child but can't attract a suitable husband, or don't want one, or whatever, and they purposely get pregnant. For a lot of young girls, having nothing much in life to value or any hope for things to get better for them, a child is the only treasure within reach. If a sperm bank is not financially feasible, then enticing a drunken 'prince' for a one night quickie will do. I guess it might take a series of 'quickies'. Then there are the 'slickies', and I have no idea how common this is, where good looking gals entice a wealthy 'celebrity' into sex so they can raise the kid as a lucrative profession, often tens of thousands of dollars per month child support if there is no marriage, and life in a gilded mansion if there is a marriage. Financially it is a lucrative profession. Not surprisingly there are sufficient numbers of older men who think some young sexy thing is really in love with them. The only risk for the gal is if the fool is the O.J. Simpson type. O.J. may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but it may have dawned on him that she really married him for the glitzy life style. Reality can be a downer. A six foot downer for her.
A slimmer of good news. Recently the divorce rate has been dropping a bit.
Nevada, Ark, and Wyoming have the highest divorce rates. The lowest is in DC. (huh?), Mass., Pa.
In 2010 44% of our adult population was unmarried. When it gets to 51% those of us not married are going to vote in politicians who give the tax break to the unmarried. That's a joke. Hmmmmmm.
There are now 31 million 1 person households in this country (2007). Doesn't sound right. I always thought of a household as consisting of more than one person. Anyway, all of the above is simply observations from the head of my household. Damn, Shiebiejeebie, my cat, just bit me. I stand corrected.
Sanctity of marriage and sanctity of life are terms which need a lot more clarification. Life for all of us, in the form we exist now at any rate, will end. For sure. No sanctity there. If change is one of the major forces driving the whole process of evolution, however one wishes to define this process, then of course individual life forms can't last forever. We are all temporary, lucky enough to have the chance to strut around for a bit on the stage of life. Who gets the best cards to start seems also to be a huge dose of chance. Perhaps marriage is like every other aspect of life----there is, and logically could be expected to be-----a lot of change in a marriage over the years. People change, and because people change, ALL relationships of any kind depend on the nature of the change over time. Some changes will strengthen a marriage, others will weaken it. We need to go easier on the notion that someone has to be to blame for a marriage failure.
I have given up a long time ago predicting which marriages will last. Even how long a marriage lasts is deceptive. We like to tie marriage and love together as if one is the cause of any durability. Even that is somewhat illusionary. For the most part, hardly anyone just goes out and finds someone they feel they could love the most, and marries them. First, we all have to figure out what our attractiveness level is. Just like 'plain Jane' is not going to be asked to the prom by 'Prince Charming', the odds of such a couple anywhere marrying are pretty long. Then there is the personality match----Einstein himself could not come up with a formula for figuring out who is compatible with who. I don't even try anymore. What is, is. If all this isn't a big enough hodge-podgety quagmire, then add sex. Oh my. I wonder if one reason people marry later these days is the availability of casual sex and the ever present availability of sex in one form or another on the internet. All the mystery and tension that used to exist on young people about sex is pretty much gone in most societies. Add to that the kind of hard core porn of every imaginable form on the internet for young kids to see and it is hard to comprehend exactly what all this does on a young person's sexual state of mind. Even if two people are compatible regarding the type of sex acts, the sameness of the acts and the same two involved is bound to add a new wrinkle----how often to have sex. This paragraph is depressing. If any couple successfully gets through all this with the same intensity of love and sexual satisfaction present at the start of their marriage----well, that is really something. Not natural maybe.
Even some of the marriages which last are suspect. It may be the kids which hold the marriage together, it may be financial security which holds the marriage together, it may be seldom doing things together (independence) which holds the marriage together, it may be the fear of who else they can attract at an older age, it may be simple platonic friendship, or simply the lack of energy or interest to go through the whole process of mate selection again (enough is enough). I would guess trust, patience, and being best of friends to be the strongest glue.
At any rate, considering all these complicated, varied, stressful components of marriage which every couple needs to address, over and over again---with time changing these components, it just seems who can marry whom is not the major question at hand.
For me it is simple enough----I do not wish to be married to anyone who would have me as a spouse. I need be a tad more selective. The penalty is I am now in the 47% of the unmarried adult population. Maybe, at my age, I will claim I started this trend---another addition to the list of things for which I get blamed.
It is best to keep things simple. In a world so seeped in hate, intolerance, and violence----when two people claim to love each other and wish to live together as spouses officially married----well, it is hard to understand how this will alter the sanctity of anyone else's relationship, or force anyone to compromise their own particular religious beliefs. And legally, if there are no victims there is no crime. Marriage is always, without exception, the union of two unique to the planet humans. Therefore every marriage will be unique in a multitude of ways, and ways which impact only on the two trying to live as a couple. It is what it is. So be it. Nothing changes for me. Half the time, when two people indicate they are going to marry, I scratch my head in disbelief. The more things change the more they stay the same---scratching my head half the time will remain.
