The Social Life of Senectitude
This might be a total waste, to muse about the social life of old age, as there is little to generalize about regarding the social life of our productive or aging years. It is quite individualized. Then again, old age impacts considerably on most of our social lives.
Most people become less social with old age either because they are less interested in a social life or the interest is there, but others have busy lives and have little time to amuse the elderly. Often the elderly, among themselves, become a cantankerous cauldron of simmering discombobulation. Having lost power to the productive years crowd, they push each other around. Lot of mumbling, too much of a personal sort.
Oldsters with children and grandchildren often find grandchildren set the perimeters and nature of their social life. The degree of involvement varies depending on a multitude of factors---distance, compatibility, in-laws, time constraints,personalities, etc. The relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren is interesting. To some variable extent the grandparents shower attention on the grandchildren in order to force more closeness with their own grown children. Grandparents can say they are done with babysitting but they understand the risk that ensues. Grandparents may sense their grandchildren have little material needs, but understand, skimp in this area and see how interested the grandchildren are in visiting or being visited by grandma and grandpa. There are certain grandparents whose personalities are such that kids really do love being around them. But, for the most part, this is the exception. As soon as most kids are old enough to forge an identity of their own they become less and less genuinely amused by grandma and grandpa. It is more likely to be a case of parents saying: "You do too like to visit grandma and grandpa, look at all things they buy for you!" "You can't be running off to play all the time and ignoring grandma and grandpa, they took the time and effort to visit us.", etc. I liked my grandparents, but it was more a case of they existed and were present often at relative gatherings than any real relationship. When I was young, and had an elderly grandmother who lived alone, I used to sometimes walk through fields and woods to visit her, mostly for something to do and out of curiosity, even then, about someone so old. It was my first introduction to the dilemma of the old. She had like half a dozen offspring, and for the most part they were her social life. She would tell me how lonely she was and how she felt no one much cared for her, etc. I felt sorry for her but, like others in the family, my life was increasingly filled up with activities of this or that sort. To get to see her grown children she took to taking them out to restaurants. She always paid. This was to be a pattern I noticed often with grandparents---a sort of pay for the attention. I used to hate those restaurant trips. It bored me to death, they lasted forever. When I asked why Grandma always paid, Grandma dutifully offered that she enjoyed paying. When I followed up with the question as to who ever pays for her meals the outing was quickly over. Kids can be unpredictable.
But then there are grandparents who practically raise the kids themselves. If both parents work and the grandparents care for them, things can be quite different. Many grandparents feel somewhat depressed and a sense of loss as grandkids become almost totally focused on others in their lives. Grandparents are then reduced to objects to be dragged out on holidays, school performances/games, graduations, etc. with the expected congratulations and hugs. I have lost count of the times when I ask a grandparent if they see their grandchildren and get an answer like, "When they want a present I see them". The happiest grandparents are often those who manage to be standoffish and yet warm when approached. The trick is to manage to get the grandchildren to want to have the grandparents around, not feel it an obligation dutifully expected to be met.
Grandkids are often temporary pleasures but there are exceptions. My mother's life in her latter years would have been totally different without the support and attention of a grandchild. Each were best friends of the other. But that is quite rare.
Anyway, this whole topic of grandchildren is beyond my expertise. My only point is that most of the elderly better not put their whole bag of expectations for contentment on grandchildren. It seems grandparents should never get their expectations up to high. Too many variables. Some grandkids are lovable, others are not---just like kids in general. Grandparents should not even get their expectations up too high over their own grown children. Grown adults in their productive years are really busy. It can't be helped. They have jobs, kids to raise, hobbies, and the culture today is not conducive to a lot of down time, periods of time for reflection. I don't see too many people reflecting much anymore---if they have a moment free they reach for their cell phone, the TV, search the web for amusement, etc. I have no idea what this all means or where it is leading. Old people hardly ever understand where moderninity is going. I guess us old cantankerous terminationists have always been this way.
Since I retired I have made a serious effort to devise a lifestyle which brings contentment and tranquility. Excitement is great, especially for the young and productive. It is tranquility which is great for those in their terminational years---more precisely contented tranquility. I think it boils down to making it simple and rewarding. And it can't be rewarding if your contentedness depends too much on others. My observations have been that when those in their terminational years are unhappy it seems always because others they depend on let them down. This, to me, is irrational. The idea that because you are old, others have an obligation to spend their time amusing you, is kind of absurd. And it will work only in those cases where the younger person needs caring for you to give meaning and purpose to their lives. If that is not the case misery will descend on the relationship. Modern health care has substantially extended the length of our terminational years. This can be a blessing or a nightmare, and if you live long enough with your mental faculties intact, it will be a nightmare. These irrational nitwits who value life under any conditions and claim this is God's will end up imposing medical torture on many who don't wish it. If that is not wrong, nothing is wrong. It also is responsible for a high percentage of our runaway health costs---like a third of health care costs take place in the last three months of life.
Being independent of others comes natural for me. I have what might be called a socially challenged attention span. I like people, appreciate diversity---but like to keep arms length and interactions short. Chit chat for extended lengths of time are resented. There are exceptions but not that many. As I see it contentedness in one's terminational years is directly proportional to one's mental independence from others. Those elderly who sit around waiting for other's to amuse them are invariably going to have a rough time. There comes a time when the world has passed you by and you better comprehend that, then accept it. When you do that you are half way to contentment.
For the first time in life, most in their terminational years have the opportunity to CAREFULLY observe, both the simple and complex aspects of life. To observe you need to feel comfortable walking around, hither and thither, to see the world under your own microscope. Observation is best done alone. For example, if you go to a museum alone you will learn the most, be able to spend your time on exactly what interests you the most, and not be corrupted with idle chatter about whatever might be on someone else's mind who accompanies you. It is good to have time alone---after all, it has been a long life, thus plenty to mull over, to digest, to reformulate conclusions about a lot of things. Each day, through observation, reading, the internet, DVD's, etc. you find understanding about something new. Understanding, in the right atmosphere---in my case Mother Nature---brings a sense of solace, of understanding that relaxes the mind in a way which is pleasant. This is the kind of contentment a person in their terminational years ought to relish and seek. It kind of makes so much of the noise painfully present during one's formative and productive years disappear, become unimportant, and certainly irrelevant. It is good for the health and mind to walk a lot while one is still mobile. It is in nature settings which brings a sense of belonging to the evolutionary process. Once so absorbed, there is little need to pester others, to push and shove, to dominate, to control, to win any personal relationship battles. Live and let live is as applicable to the terminational years as it is to the formative and productive years.
It may sound socially weird, but pets can be the best friends for those in their terminational years. While busy with your own observations, new understandings, and going gently down the evolutionary stream toward an unknown abyss, pets provide the unwavering emotional support which is unconditional, and minus the drama of human relationships.
Hovering over any person in their terminational years is the knowledge good health will not last forever. Failing health will come, as sure as night follows day, and one should not neglect to mentally prepare for it's arrival. The smart have lived healthy lives and reap the benefit in their terminational years. Good health in your terminational years is no small reward. It is huge. To fuss, fret, get depressed, and make others miserable with your own miserableness is not only pointless, but makes a bad experience worse for yourself. To ward off a bad attitude when the time hits I think it best to prepare your mind for that time. As soldiers prepare for battle, those in their terminational years need to prepare for death. Hopefully, in the not too distant future, when the religious right are defeated on this issue, each person will have control over their own dying process at the time, or via advance directives. Faith based medical torture, claiming this is God's will, is a logical absurdity. This human concocted notion that God decides when a person dies fails every test of reasonableness. It is ok to be merciful to your pet and prevent a pet from suffering at the end, but such mercy is denied humans. Ludicrous. For a human being to be forced to suffer an agonizing death when that human being has had enough and wishes to go peacefully with dignity is irrational torture. And to justify this torture by claiming God dictates it is, to me, an absurd stretch. The evolutionary laws which drive the process were created by God. Progress over time involves enough tragedy and suffering without claiming God tampers with his own created laws to favor or punish this or that individual. One of the requirements for sanity is not to pretend you understand things beyond human comprehension. Whenever I hear an elderly person, out of frustration, wail "Why has God forsaken me" I feel sorry they spent so much time deluding themselves about the nature of an evolutionary process billions of years old. One should be ever so grateful for the UNEARNED opportunity to be part of the process, if even only for living in 'a little gleam of Time between two eternities'. When anyone has had 'enough' they should be entitled to be peacefully put to rest. AND, quit the silly ass games: "we won't kill the person we will disconnect a feeding tube and let them starve to death, or we won't kill the person we will remove a breathing tube and let them suffocate to death." If this is so ethical why don't we do that to our pets? And more importantly what kind of God do so many people worship? At one time, to please God, humans made killing of certain animals or people a necessary sacrifice to make God happy. Now we still medically torture some elderly to make God happy. There is still a bit of silliness left.
So there it is, simple and there every day---a chance to learn something new, to understand better something about life, to walk around and learn to appreciate diversity, to get as close as you can to God's evolutionary process, to be thankful for all your blessings, to be kind always to those less fortunate, to share your wealth and time with the less fortunate, both before death and in your will, to support the political policies which benefit the most and demand the most from those with the most, to live and let live, to free yourself from the demands of others, to free others from your own demands on their time, to live each day as if your mind still needs to learn so many things, and as one thusly goes gently down the stream the reward will be a peaceful contentedness---the kind which will be needed when the final curtain descends, whether it be slowly or with a sudden drop. Time stays, we go.
