HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU ARE UNWELCOME:
There is no way to be a welcome presence to everyone at all times. Which of us will be welcome how much, how often, under what circumstances, will vary. This is an immutable reality. It is what it is. AND, being an unwelcome presence, no matter to what degree, will make time slow down, contentedness evaporate, and your mood level tumble. Sometimes, for varied reasons, your presence is required, duty prevails, and like a good soldier you muddle through it, satisfied only that with duty over, duty done will be the reward. All in all, there are better rewards.
For all of us, to achieve a healthy state of mind, being in unwelcome situations needs be kept to a reasonable minimum. Not often can you, thru sheer persistence, make yourself welcome. This is most clearly understood in matters of romance, in family matters, in friendship circles. You see it most clearly in such situations because the investment in these situations is major, not minor. You are trapped in these situations, and you feel the discomfort of unwelcomeness the most. To make the matter more difficult, it is rarely a simple matter of right vs wrong. Over time, with effort and experienced living, I have come to like a lot of people with whom I have no desire to be around much. Some adornments in life are best appreciated by their distance or infrequency of their presence. Visiting a Modern Art museum is that way for me. I sometimes am amused, puzzled, or otherwise stimulated by some of the art, primarily because it is not my usual environment. The unusual often, for me, is interesting and intriguing. Appreciating diversity is a key to a contented life, whether it be people, environments, or situations. To attempt to etch everything in stone as good or bad, and then gate yourself into some kind of personally biased mind set, giving rise to personal vendettas of some sort against diversity, is to create for yourself emotional pain of a permanent nature. Live and let live, up to a point, is one requirement for contentment.
Probably most everyone has a need to feel welcome in most situations. The difficulty arises when one tries to assess the degree of unwelcomeness. And then there are the situations where the unwelcomeness varies for this or that reason. The worst scenarios of unwelcomeness often involve family relationships, the kind which are unavoidable for reasons of duty and to please others in the family who want you to tolerate such unwelcomeness. And so it starts and may continue on seemingly forever with a hell of it's own making. The best one can do is dodge the bullets, survive to be a target another day, and if you are really lucky, distance will dull the impact of the bullets. Distance is a wonderful entity. It often keeps the peace and limits the intensity of conflict. And distance is often the answer to solving unwelcomeness. Distance is a healer in many situations. Even married couples often need some space---distance is medicine for many marriages, and even some friendships.
If I am grateful for many things in life, and right up there has to be my penchant for feeling most contented out in nature, by myself, walking along surrounded by the beauty and intricacies of God's created evolutionary process. It is then I feel least alone, most at home, never unwelcome, and sense being a part of something that is wondrous, something eternal, something I can really respect, really appreciate. It is then I truly feel "there is a way of life, a way of thinking, of behaving towards other men and your fellow creatures, towards all living things, towards the whole earth and the sky and the sun that is based on love, on compassion, on respect, on cherishing everything there is around you because it is wonderful, unique, it's natural and good and it evolved that way by itself, it's got to be cherished and if we think like that and live that kind of life, we can all have our freedom, we can all have our happiness, we can all feel the sun and smell the grass and smell the flowers and look upon each other with appreciation" (Davis). Nature to me is like an eraser, I live a daily life with it's inherent accumulation of emotional clutter---then I escape to nature for hours at a time and return with a clean slate, renewed faith in others, renewed appreciation of diversity, a new reservoir of tolerance, and renewed energy to deal with the realities of life. It is like if one can understand from whence he/she comes, and the nature of the evolutionary process, one can then, and only then, accept one's role in that process. We are, after all is said and done---with more being said than done----not the center of anything, not exempt from the laws of evolution, and yet, at least for some of us, blessed by the hand of good fortune in a process seeped in misfortune. "The clock of Life is wound but once and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late, or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love and toil with a will. Place no faith in tomorrow, for the clock may then be still" (Author I don't know). What we need all seek is "the serenity to accept the things we cannot change: the courage to change those things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference" (author I again don't know). Finally we need to "go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what Peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, but do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, WHATEVER you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy" (found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore, Dated 1692).
In the total scheme of things, it is meant by the inherent nature of human nature that we should, everyone one of us, feel unwelcome amongst others from time to time. In general, those persons are happiest who let others come to them, however often that might be nor not be---for to force oneself on others rarely brings any positive returns. Unwelcomeness is a feeling and feelings often just are, and not subject to real objective analysis. Once you accept the right of others to distance themselves from you, and they wish you would distance yourself from them---only then can you fade from the scene with the absence of anger, disappointment , or frustration. In the last analysis, doing the right thing---in this case removing yourself as an object of disdain---is reward enough. I mean, do you really want to remain with a feeling of unwelcomeness in order to stand on some misguided principle that others are wrong? One time two gentlemen who disliked each other were approaching each other on a narrow sidewalk. One kept straight forward until the other stepped aside in the gutter, the straight walker proudly proclaiming "I never step aside for a scoundrel"! The other gentleman replied, "I sir, on the other hand, always do". Stepping aside when one is unwelcome, in purely social situations, is an act of charity. When one can contribute to a more healthy camaraderie by stepping aside, one should. In most social situations, when one door closes, another opens. Here today, gone tomorrow, is the fate of most friendships. When it comes to most forms of friendship, no one owes anyone anything. Rather, while the friendship flourished both gained, and that in itself is something for which to be thankful.
Thus, the smart learn to detect unwelcomeness early and act accordingly. Tolerating unwelcomeness in the absence of any valid necessity, is a fool's game. When you find yourself less often included in planning, you are unwelcome. When you find your own input routinely discarded, you are unwelcome. When you find yourself less eager to meet with a group, you are unwelcome, when you find yourself more and more guarded in what you better say or not say, you are unwelcome. When you find kidding that used to be funny, falling flat, you are unwelcome. When others use humor, not to be funny, but to be mean-spirited toward you, you are not welcome. When you find yourself more and more outside the loop in topics of conversation you are not welcome. When you seek excuses to get away on your own for a bit, you are not welcome.
While all of this is no picnic, and even a disappointment (mostly because we dislike change and want things the way they used to be), the solution is simple, swift, and uplifting to all parties involved. You simply evaporate and like the wind, move on. Poof! Like magic, the problem is solved---the group is reinvigorated and the feeling of unwelcomeness non existent. In fact, distance leads enchantment to the view from every side. Fond memories abound and cannot be replaced by any endless pointless irritations. Time moves on, and the kaleidoscopic images of friendship change, some fading while others blossom. So be it as it be---let it be, for it will be, as it is going to be---pages turn, time stays---we go.
