Nurturing Potential
I was looking last night at pictures on the wall of my most admired Americans in history. I thought about O'bama being compared to Lincoln. I thought about the people in my life who I admire and relate to the best. I thought about my many years as a teacher and the students who stood out above the rest as successful, well rounded, emotionally stable and socially adept individuals. And as I am inclined by nature to do, I searched for some common thread that pushed them to the top of these lists. How do the young evolve to be somebody others admire?
It certainly isn't wealth. Most wealth is acquired either through inheritance or an obsession with money as an end unto itself. Of course there are some, if few, exceptions. It certainly isn't fame since fame as a life objective breeds most often an overpowering suffocation of attention. It certainly isn't intelligence as measured by test scores or IQ. Some of the people I admire the most, and some of the most contented people I have known, are, kindly put, intellectually challenged.
It seems the most common thread is a self-made success wrapped in social consciousness. This breeds empathy and trust. I suppose one could say most of my 'heroes' started with little, had the good fortune to be healthy, and had the freedom for self development in an environment which was conducive to self development. I can't seem to find a lot of real success stories from those overprotected, over-controlled, over managed in their youth. It just seems, I am sure with some exceptions, that those parents who run the tightest of ships, stifle the potential of their victims. The intentions of such parents are just the opposite of the result, and too often reflect an obsession with molding their offspring according to their own needs and shortcomings. Parental control freaks unintentionally create lifelong handicaps for their children.
Science has taught us, over the years, that mental development is mostly settled by the late teens. I remember once, years ago when I was taking this Methods course for teaching science, and the Professor asked me what was the best method for teaching a certain concept. My reply got me a C or D for the course (have forgotten which) because I stated there was no best method. He went through the roof and asked just what I though he had been trying to teach us all semester. He then asked me upon just what basis would I make such a statement. My reply was that if I listed the top ten best teachers I have had in my life, they all pretty much had their own peculiar methods of teaching. And I still believe that. Interestingly, that Professor went on sabbatical the following semester when I practice taught and another professor took his place. When I showed up at my assigned high school the teacher of the class told me I would start in a week when he finished the unit he was on. He told me not to come there while he taught so as not to be influenced by his own method of teaching. That made me nervous as I assumed I better teach his way or my grade would be in trouble. Anyway, I got an A for a grade and when the sabbatical Professor returned he gave his replacement Professor hell for the grade I received. Sometimes in life you just get lucky. I only taught high school for like 2 or three years but it was helpful to me for the subsequent years of college teaching.
My dad and mother were a contrast in parenting. My mother, if she could, would have micromanaged my whole young life. My father was hands off and believed parenting was simply an exercise in leading by example. As a consequence he didn't swear, drink, smoke, gamble, engage in adultery, mistreat anyone, lie, swindle, and oh boy was it an irritant to have a father be such a goody two shoes. Yet his attitude gave me the kind of freedom to mingle with just about anyone, experience all kinds of situations, make endless mistakes with my own behavior, and yet, from it all, my own unique potentials were free to develop. Over time, in endless ways, I was able to learn, via comparison, right from wrong, good people from bad people, appreciate diversity, and draw a good measure of comparison reguarding which people, behaving which ways, were the happiest and most pleasant to be around. So for me, my dad's method was perfect for my own development.
Still, and this is the sad clinker here---what method works for one may not work for another. The method which worked for me didn't really work for my brother and he resented my dad for the rest of his life. To my brother, if my dad had done this or that or whatever his own life would have turned out different. Maybe, how can I know? Parents probably should realize that genetics sets potential, not parents. So all the determination in the world cannot make somebody something they are not. Human worth has a wide spectrum. Let each be allowed to become the best according to the cards dealt him/her. Only ethics of the Golden Rule variety---the kind of ethics innate to human nature, an ethics based on logic, needs discipline. Most everyone really does understand the Golden Rule and therefore right from wrong---- now all that is needed in our development period is an environment where this example is practiced by those around us. Parenting by example is the closest generalization one can make about parenting. Circling the wagons, embracing the modern version of 'family values', and wrapping a genetic family enclave in some kind of political, religious, cultural, or national cocoon is hardly the makings of enlightened or contented human adult.
I have worked with young people my whole life and I can't really pinpoint what constitutes good parenting. What works for one child fails with another. But I think, at least for the most part, whatever method used, it can't be stifling, can't be suffocating a child from reality or diversity or risk. Much of what is now called 'family values' is nothing more than putting mental braces and confined spaces on children. Many young people today haven't really experienced hardly anything except via a computer. The social fabric of our society is becoming less and less existent and replaced by informational overload from computers and gadgets of all sorts. I date myself here, but people don't think much anymore, they just process endless amounts of entertainment type information, way too much to be processed in any meaningful way by our minds. When I was young there was endless time to think, there was no other choice, and you spent far more time interacting with real people, and by necessity had the time to think about so many of the intangible things of life. Maybe I go overboard because I enjoy thinking about life and people and bigger pictures of human existence. I enjoy others, but not in my face all the time---there are certain activities for which I value company and interaction, but many of my 'free moments' are spent doing things by myself. When you are by yourself you observe more, you process information more thoroughly. If I go to a museum or wander in nature I prefer to go by myself, get totally absorbed in the experience and think over what I am seeing and experiencing. It seems to relax me and make me feel more contented about life in general. If too much of my own life is dependent on the vagaries of others, then conflict and tension impinge on contentment. When younger, all that pestiferous stuff is necessary. When one is retired it is time to let all of that stuff go, ride gently down the stream, enjoy the show, revel in the appreciation for all the good times in your life, buckle your seatbelt for the impending deterioration of your health, and be a nuisance to no one---that means be independent not a burden or pest to those in their productive years. Modern medicine makes it possible to be a drag on others for decade after decade. Perhaps the day is coming when each person can control their own dying process, decide for themselves when enough is enough, and in the knowledge that they can control their own dying process, lose their fear of death. There is no need for death to be a long process of physical or mental torture, or even years of mental oblivion. The way some people are made to die, against their wishes, makes water boarding look relatively benign.
Cautionary Note: None of the above is based on being a parent myself. It is based solely on observations---in retrospect---on my youth, and on observing the thousands of students over my career. Students often talked about family situations and after a while you gain insight into parenting. Even with all this insight I don't think I could ever have been a good parent, unless the child was of a certain nature. Therein lies the conundrum---a parent who could be an excellent parent with certain genetically endowed children are often a terrible parent with differently endowed children. There is no one way to teach; there is no one way to parent. Somehow a way to mix the personal nature of the particular parent with the personal nature of the particular child has to be found. If my own parents failed, it was not my fault, I tried to raise them right and used to tell others that. The truth is, from direct observation, that some of the best kids come from the worst parental environments, and some of the worst kids come the best parental environments. What did seem evident as a generalization is that kids raised in a suffocating, rigid, parental environment seemed to stand out in college as insensitive to others, aloof from others, way too serious minded, extremely judgmental, and seldom mixed well with other students. They never seemed comfortable outside the coccoon within which they were raised. And worst, they are filled with a lot of anger. Unable to accept diversity in others they can only find comfort isolating themselves from others. I just don't think this is a good thing, and by the time they are in their late teens it is mostly too late for them to change. Parenting is one of those topics where the more you learn, the less you know for sure. It is like bowling, you may aim for the best, but the results, with the best of bowlers, can sometimes be disastrous. And like bowling, after you take your best shots, you can't take them over again.
