In your terminational years, friendships change. Now your best friends are your health, your financial security, time to do the things that interest you, your spouse (hopefully), your kids (to varying degrees---but my own observation is that the stress and disappointment here is not inconsequential), pets, eating, and your own peculiar interests. These individual peculiar interests need to be the focus in your terminational years---these interests alone can make your days contented simply because you control the when, how long, and how to pursue these interests which you selected. Look, the supporting cast of your productive years will be steadily disappearing, fading away, be too far away, or become irrelevant to your or their current lifestyle. This is natural, necessary, and part of the dying process. What is, is. So much of what was, is now extinct. Extinction is forever. Gone with the Wind. I think to be happy in your terminational years you have to learn to focus on what is left, be driven by an appreciation of having had a good life, enjoy pursuing your interests of the moment and be independent about it, not trying to burden others with the responsibility of amusing you, especially those in their productive years. I think every person in their terminational years needs to find contentment in ways which do not put a lot of burden on others to give him/her that contentment. Especially now that us terminational age-frazzled plodders often live so long, there comes with that blessing of longer life an obligation to not be an endless drag on those in their productive years. There is no hard fast rule here except I suspect most err on the side of pushing themselves to hard too often on those from whom they seek to find contentment. Don't, in your terminational years, seek contentment from others; rather, look within. If you can't find ways to please yourself how possibly can you expect others to find ways to please you? At best that will be nothing more than a sometimes thing. It will be like planning a wedding----you go through hell for a few moments of joy. Once the terminational years hit it is time to leave that mentality behind.
There is no need to go through your terminational years wound up tight as a drum, fussing, fussing, fussing about others; and scheming, scheming, scheming to get others to do things and do them in such a way to bring you contentment. I sense if one finds themselves scheming most of the day one is on the wrong track. To the extent a need exists to teach others a lesson you are on the wrong track. I'll put it this way---a terminationist is as relevant to those in their productive years as old age-frazzled prodders were to our productive years. If ever there is a time to let go, it is in your termination phase of life. If one can't find a way to amuse him/herself by one's terminational years, then misery, in varying degrees, lies ahead.
Being irrelevant, which is basically a realistic definition of the terminational years, is not a bad or good thing, it is a necessary thing. I think one either learns to live with irrelevance, like it, use the freedom that comes with irrelevance to have endless pleasant days, or you waste energy, time, and a peaceful state of mind to resist being irrelevant. The end result will be misery, disappointment, frustration, and anger. If one reaches the terminational years chances are one has had ample time to be somebody; honesty dictates it was stressful and hard to have been a young person, a lover, a parent, an athlete, an employee, a boss, a wage earner, etc. I prefer to think I have earned the right to be irrelevant. If you do as you want in your terminational years who is going to charge you are selfish and ignoring your responsibilities? On what basis can they charge that? Hey, wear your irrelevance with honor and pride.
I think, if one is pleasant, kind, and supportive of others you meet in your daily activities, whatever these activities happen to be in your terminational years, then the days will go by pleasantly, relatively stress free, and barring the inevitable health problems, generate contentment. Others don't have any obligation to amuse you, rather you have an obligation to amuse yourself. I know this is not as clear cut as I make it because everyone finds themselves in different situations, but in general I think this applies to most people to varying degrees. Even I put limits on this---there will be no Terrellesque-like "you don't talk to me unless I talk to you first". For most (there are exceptions) terminationists I think it is a mistake to force, encourage, or let yourself be surrounded a lot for companionship by those in their productive years. When I observed those kind of relationships I was mostly struck by how little the terminationist had to say. Now I realize of course they had little to say---the two worlds are polar opposites. I recall, for some reason, a time when this gal was telling her husband's mother about the tortuous journey her husband (the son) had made to be appointed some titled persona in his company. After the lengthy recounting, the son's mother smiled and said, "that's nice". That was the totality of her response. Most people probably notice it becomes more and more difficult to engage terminationists in lengthy conversations---except those aged wind mill chasing windbags who think they are still relevant, and they never shut up. You can always tell they are coming your way by the stampede past you by others who see them coming.
My conclusion on these matters is to let those in their productive years be productive, and l will busy myself enjoying the liberty to follow my own interests at my own pace. Right now I intend to spend hours twice a week at the Morton Arboretum, 1 day at Cantigny, I day in Chicago, 1 day at some place new, I day/month at the River Walk in Naperville, and amend this schedule as the mood moves me. So far I find this most relaxing and contenting. Cantigny is the former estate of Robert McCormick---it is a huge estate, a mile on each side, and perfectly manicured with gardens, ponds, sculptures, a museum, etc. If I arrive there around 3 PM and stay to 6 or 7 PM I pretty much have the place to myself. The other day I never passed a single person the entire time I was there. I walked, sat, napped, read a book, and investigated the assortment of splendid trees growing all around the expansive lawns. Maybe I will suggest they replace the benches with large hammocks. Smile. The last time I was there some sort of professional meetings were being held in one of the buildings on the estate. At 5PM when the meetings ended, the men literally raced down the walkways to the parking lot obviously feeling pressed to get a zillion needed things done before the end of the day. Not a single person took any time to stroll around the magnificant grounds. Of course that is fine with me, I don't need them intruding on my adopted preserve of bliss. Years ago that could have been me racing around in high gear all charged up to keep ahead of a busy schedule. The rat race. They will arrive home exhausted and stressed. I will arrive home relaxed and content, ready to pig myself out on a meal of my choice, watch debates on current issues via local/national public TV and decide what I want to do for the evening. Often I get involved in this or that and don't get to bed until 2 or 3 AM. But no matter, I had taken a nap out in nature and can get up when I want in the morning. From my viewpoint I have a luxury condo and a millions of dollar private estate to patrol any day I want. Soon enough the party of life will be over, and irrelevance of a more eternal sort will nail my ass, as it has every other ass ever to peripateticate on the planet. Since there are no exceptions I guess 'fair is fair' ---we may not start out on a level playing field but we sure as hell end up on one. Death levels all.
My situation in life may not be the ideal for the terminational years, but I do have a couple of important factors in my favor. I have always been intrigued by what makes differing people tick. A high percentage of books I read are biographies. This is probably the reason I place Lincoln so high on my list of admired figures in history. No one understood human nature better than 'Father Abraham'. No one had a better handle on the endless struggle to achieve justice and fairness in a diverse society. Secondly, I like to observe people and nature. And observe is the right word. I am no rugged nature adventurist climbing peaks or backpacking under strenuous conditions. I end each day with a gobble-gobble feast and close the day swallowed by a large comfortable bed. Same with people---I am an observer, not a gregarious companionable herdish fraternizer. I love all sorts of people---from a respectable distance, not close up in my face and never to any point of obligatory bonding. It is really these kind of personal attributes which makes it easy for me to enjoy the terminational years. Those terminationists who seek power, control, undivided attention from select others, and meaningful personal involvement with others in their productive years are always going to be disappointed, with most days being a disappointment to their expectations. There is nothing in life which has a prayer of succeeding without a good game plan. And a good game plan does not guarantee success. I think most of those in their terminational years make the mistake of simply "taking it one day at a time", hanging on to priorities and interests no longer appropriate for the terminational years, depending on others to keep them contented, and tie themselves, as some sort of increasingly heavy and lengthy genetic burden, to their offspring. In times past at least the burden was merely a few years, now it could likely be decades. Both my parents lived to be quite old, and both---bless their souls---found their own ways to live a contented terminational life without being an endless burden to anyone. As a reward, countless people took the time to come to them as time permitted, never fearing they would get trapped into some endless obligation to be some sort of constant companion/protector. I am not sure how much of the advice my mother and I ever gave to each other was followed, but when I tried hard to impress on her not to take health frustrations out on the staff---that if she did they would avoid her room like the plague---she either listened or already knew that, and as a consequence the staff visited her room a lot and some even came up after work to play some sort of game she liked to play, the name of which escapes me. I have already noticed in my early terminational years that the less I demand, the more I get.
In short, I am quickly learning that irrelevancy works both ways. I used to say 'in the long run we are all dead'. Now, for me it will be the short run, hopefully a long short run. There is a plaque on my wall which reads, "God, Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change: Courage To Change Those Things I Can And Wisdom To Know The Difference." Amen. (Part 5 summary to follow)
