Emotions and the Terminational Years
It seems obvious to any person willing to be realistic about life that there is more misery (defined broadly) in life than "zippidy do dah day" days. Evolution may be a deistic brilliant process, but it is also a tough relentless process and that is the price for evolutionary progress. Each of us plays such a miniscule role in the process, over such a miniscule time period, that given current human comprehension abilities, we can hardly see the forest for the sake of the trees. Of course, to lesser or greater degree, we deploy all sorts of psychological ploys to pretend we are individually more important than we really are. We are made, so we at least pretend, in the image of God, that we have dominion over all other species and resources on the planet, that our particular inherited religion is the Word of God, and that each of us, our family, our friends, our community, our country---in that order---are favorites with God, however we perceive God to be. There seems to be a lot of believed 'manifest destiny' at all levels.
Despite all this, by the time we reach our terminational years, we have been there, done that, chased enough rainbows, been in and out of enough serious relationships in our lives, to finally address more seriously our emotional state. I suspect almost everyone, in their terminational years, short or long as these years may prove to be, desires to go gently down the stream with the maximum contentment in their life as possible. A race has been run, you are a survivor of your productive years, and your days of competition in life are over. Anyone who pretends otherwise is in for a rough time and emotional turmoil to the end.
Some of the nicest emotions become less available in the terminational years----like the thrill of new adventures, the thrill of besting competition at this or that, sexual adventures and pleasures, boisterous wild social celebrations of varied natures, participation in sports or other youthful hobbies, social importance to others, material accumulations, power trips, out maneuvering others, etc. And the days of anyone becoming dependent on you in any kind of meaningful way as before, are mostly gone. In fact those upon whom you depended most on for much of your life are dead, gone their own way, are shadows of their former selves or themselves as much in need of self independency for contentment as yourself. Even in the best of scenarios, one of any couple will die and the other remain. Most begin life alone and most end life alone if they get to the terminational stage.
When we envision contentment in our terminational years we are really referring to our varied emotions. Emotions like fear, anger, loneliness, compassion, empathy, pride, shame, envy, jealousy, resentment, vengeance, and grief are still active parts of our soul. To reach a state of contentment in our terminational years requires us to rearrange our priorities, to genuinely accept successes in our productive years as the basis for gratitude in our terminational years. I can't imagine how anyone with little to be proud of in their productive years can reach contentment in their terminational years. Maybe they can, it just seems a difficult task. I guess one needs a hefty does of gratitude and realism to cope successfully with one's terminational years. Look, in winter time the roads are sometimes going to be slippery and difficult to travel on, so why would one allow themselves to be angry about something like this?The same with many aspects of aging. YOU KNOW health issues are going to become slippery and difficult so why allow yourself to become angry about it? There was a time in my life when I loved to run from here to there. Now I walk. At some point I will not even be walking that far too often. There was a time when challenges were exciting and important. In the terminational years you have earned the right to relax and avoid challenges. What on earth does someone in their terminational years need challenges for? In one's productive years there was this driving need to make things go one's way as often as possible, in the terminational years one changes their priorities and begins to realize in most cases, what real difference does it make which way most things go? The decisions in later life are more about exactly what kind of things, which you can control and do yourself, will make your days relaxed and enjoyable? If you cannot amuse yourself in your terminational years your emotional state will be a mess.
First of all, after so many years of living, each person has a lot of reflection needed about so many aspects of life. You have been there, done this, done that, and survived. What does it all mean? The age of doing is over, the age of appreciating is upon you. That one is still standing, in one fashion or another, is genuinely surreal. By now you know yourself---your strengths and weaknesses----as best you ever will, and the rest of life is now one of observation from the audience, much as an attendee at a play. Certainly if one can enjoy a play one can enjoy observing life in one's terminational years. Frankly, life is not about any "I", never has been---we all are bit players in a God created process of evolution that has been going on for billions of years. My own feeling about all of it is one big WOW!. And part of that WOW! is that no one is really all that relevant to the big picture. The smallest creatures are as important to the process of evolution as the the biggest or most advanced. It takes a healthy ego to accept this. It is not even easy to answer the question as to why one really wants to be 'important'. The best thing one can ever achieve is contentment. Power, titles, material possessions, sex, social standing, etc. are exciting aspects of life but never the road to contentment. People who chase these kind of rainbows as the road to contentment, in the end are the ones most disillusioned, most frustrated, least contented. And they are always angry. They feel like they have failed or been betrayed. They really hate the ending. Same with people who blindly use faith that God will protect and lead them through all the land mines in life---at some point they feel "God, why has thou forsaken me"? Of course God has not forsaken anyone----the process of evolution is not about ourselves, not any one of us, nor any group of us. Really, why be angry about that? Is there anything illogical about being grateful for the opportunity to have been part of the process?
Finally I get to the particular emotions in the terminational years: Anger . Once one understands the nature of God's created evolutionary process what is there to be angry about? The process never promises anyone a 'bed of roses'. Fear? What is there to fear? When one is dead all the emotions are gone. If there is another life of some sort none of the parameters of this life are relevant. The only thing one need fear is loss of control over one's own dying process. No one else's religious beliefs ought to have any bearing on your own dying process. When you have had enough, when you feel it time to go, every person ought to be entitled to die with dignity and in a manner of their choosing. Period. Live and let live; die according to the dictates of your own conscience.
Compassion: If by the time you reach your terminational years you still have emotional troubles with diversity, an axe to grind against this or that group, you will be carrying a lot of anger, resentment, and hostility towards others different from yourselves----some sort of Sarah Palin minus the shrill voice. There is no way one can achieve contentment without an acquired genuine appreciation of diversity. Absolutely impossible. The only ones worthy of disrespect are those with little tolerance of diversity who go after others. These are the characters who go around proclaiming they earned all their good fortunes in life and exempt themselves and their families from the Golden Rule. They conclude others less fortunate can, for the most part, fend for themselves.
Empathy: If by the time your reach your terminational years you still can't accept the Golden Rule and the obligation of those with good fortune to help those with less good fortune, contentment again will be out of reach. Ethics is not about self interest, one's own family, one's own religion, or one's own country. God or his evolutionary process is not about you or your family or your country at all. Ethics is a concept highly developed only in the human species. Clearly it is still evolving. Some have accepted the Golden Rule more than others. The Golden Rule is universal, an innate conceptual ethical entity. To the extent one cannot be ethical, one cannot be contented.
Pride: Everyone has some things about themselves or their lives, of which to be proud, not the least of these is having survived to their terminational years. You made it to the finish of the race. The race is over and you are still alive, winded and in need of some rest. Congratulations!. Now make the best of the remaining years and live the rest of your life on your own terms.
Envy: This is a very tricky emotion. It certainly drives capitalism and motivates all of us to better ourselves in life. On the other hand the richest people are those who are satisfied with what they have in life. If, after your productive years, you still don't know when enough is as good as a feast, you cannot achieve contentment. No one bores me more than someone who is still trying, late in life, to pile it higher and higher, wallowing in materialism as a way of life. I find them pitiful and incapable of interesting dialogue. How do you tell someone their 3000 sq. ft. bore you? I think it mostly bores them.
Jealousy: Jealousy differs from envy in the sense that jealousy implies one has a right to what one wants. Women, for example, were jealous that men could vote and they could not. Jealousy leads to resentment and conflict and the conflict to justice. Thus, when the process is over, women got the right to vote, slaves got the right to be free, and today gays are getting the right to marry. Jealousy is not a bad emotion in that it is linked to justice, to the desire that all people everywhere be free and enjoy the same privileges. Jealousy is a social emotion, tied to justice.
Resentment and Vengeance: These are not good emotions. There is a Chinese saying that goes thusly: "If you seek revenge, dig two graves." Some emotions take you down with the target of your attack, or even worse take you down and leave the target of your attack standing. Bitter divorces, strained friendships, employment personnel clashes, competition in general---all of these things can lead to resentment and maybe vengeance. Perhaps in one's productive years there is a place for some of this, perhaps a time to teach a few people some lessons--- whatever. Sometimes, what is, is, and needs to be dealt with. But, by the time one gets to their terminational years these emotions are pure poison. For one thing, you are not in any position, usually, to teach anyone a lesson, and more important, for what real reason do you want to? If necessary, distance leads enchantment to the view. One of the nicest things about the terminational years is that you are not trapped, by circumstances, into any kind of social duty. Even in your terminational years you still have wants---and sometimes you don't have what you want. These wants could be material possessions, power, friendship from certain people, etc. BUT, as already suggested, these peculiar and particular wants, if they involve other people, need be discarded. Your daily routine and activities need to be, so far as feasible, such that you can do these things on your own. If your only means of contentment is to have constant attention and companionship from your grown kids or social action with relatives or long term friends, then the odds of unhappiness rise considerably. Probably the most common adverse mental state of the elderly is some variation of "I would be content IF ONLY my kids or certain friends or relatives would pay more attention to me." This kind of mentality is almost guaranteed to generate discontentment---for everyone. The elderly person feels betrayed and the targets of their discontent feel guilty or harassed. People live so long today that they can manage to be a major burden on those in their productive years for decades. Clearly, those in their productive years need give those years their full attention and those in their terminational years should find ways to entertain themselves without being a pest to those in their productive years.
I think it starts, for those in their terminational years, with the acceptance that no one owes you a damn thing. They really don't. If you managed to raise your kids in such a manner that they want to be around you a lot---fine, that is a good thing. If they live far away or, are very busy, or they don't enjoy being around you, then so be it and you accept that. Same thing goes for long term friends. People change with age, circumstances change, and no friendship lasts when it becomes a forced reflexive sense of duty. If I want the right to associate as little or as much as I want with others in my terminational years, then others have the same right. When friendships drift apart, seeking to place blame is not only a waste of time, but illogical. Hell, marriages often don't last let alone friendships. Besides, we all know we can't MAKE anyone like us. AND, no one can MAKE us like them. Like is not even the proper word. I know a lot of people I still like, but for one reason or another any active friendship is gone. Friendships tend to be based on common shared experiences at any given point in time. When shared experiences are gone, often too is gone meaningful friendship. I am not big on reunions. Once there is nothing in common left, the conversation becomes irrelevant and inane. Blah, blah, blah, and when you think about the encounter later you realize any real meaning of friendship had gone with the wind. They really are part of your past, not your present. Life is that way. We all know people who spend their days and time filled with resentment about others and even plot vengeance upon the objects of their ire. I avoid these people. First of all, I don't give a damn. The most important guideline for the terminational years is DON'T BE A PEST. Have your own daily interests; to the extent others are pleasant enough to you and include you in any activities, that is just icing on the cake. If others show an interest in you, you can then be happy and accept the genuineness of it. Why in the hell would anyone want attention that is merely duty driven? God save us all from that. I remember, as a kid being driven hours to see some Aunt and Uncle with whom that was the only rare contact. What a down day that was. Then at Christmas I was required to send them a thank you note for the present they felt duty bound to send. Writing that thank you note was even worse. I actually felt bad they felt obligated to send me a present. I have never really liked unearned presents from others. You know, if the terminational years mean anything, they should mean freedom from all sorts of obligatory social interactions whether it be family, friends, or strangers. My parents, to the very end, were never a social burden to anyone. My dad was a natural 'hermit' in his old age and my mother never was a burden to any of her family. Even when she needed attention, she chose to go into a Nursing home, become friendly with the staff and other patients and simply enjoyed visits from family when they wanted to visit, which we all did. My mother fooled me. I really thought she was going to be a real whiner in her old age, filled with endless demands on her kids. She never was. She went through old age until age 98 like a trooper, a happy camper for the most part, and it was not lost on me. In fact, the less you lay on others any sort of obligation to visit or be involved with you in any way, the more likely they are to provide some involvement. A lot of people shy away from the elderly for fear of what some involvement might lead to. Let's face it, that is a real risk.
In summary, the terminational years are not well served by resentment and vengeance. Whatever value they may have served sometimes in one's productive years, they have no value in one's terminational years. I know I, like others, sometimes find I cannot meet the needs of others, and then can feel their resentment that I can't meet their emotional needs. In other words an older person is depending on me to make them happier or more contented. They have yet to understand that they need to find a daily routine and activities which make them happy independent of others. Depending on others to amuse oneself is a hopeless task and an injustice to others. This dependency on others leads to endless fussing, frustration, resentment, disappointment, and then comes the silly revenge game, albeit usually of a more subtle and non violent nature. Vengeance is always about getting joy from watching others suffer by your own actions toward them. If someone can't meet your emotional needs---well, you can at least never miss an opportunity to subtly cut the legs out from under them in minor matters. You know, teach them a lesson that you can hurt them too. It really is a silly game and we all play to some extent. By the time one is in their terminational years one should understand that game and be relatively immune from it. If one understands why people do it, then you no longer see it as so mean-spirited. In fact revenge for the slights makes one a player in the silliness.
Even if a terminationist has their emotions under control, and is going gently down the stream, more or less contented----when all is said and done, more will have been said than done, and each of us will then take that great leap into the dark. I mean, Wow!; that was one bumpy ride filled with more highs and lows than a roll-a-coaster, and a ride seemingly as fast as a roll-a-coaster.
I have condensed my last dying thoughts as follows: "First of all.........Furthermore..........And besides........Like as if I............IF it were not for bad luck..........Any dumb ass can............These are just silly games..........And any way, who wants to be ................I am just toying around..........Every opportunity to be humble..........Losing builds character.........Get a life........If I want any shit out of you.......Shut up..........One more thing........... Amen
