APPLYING THE GOLDEN RULE:
I am not aware anyone ever debunks the Golden Rule as the basis for ethics. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you is pretty much the sum of moral behavior. Reality, that major nuance of life, is another story. All, of us, each with our own uniqueness, find ways to nullify the Golden Rule---to let it apply only when we want it to apply. We use laws, inherited religion, political loyalty, culture, little phrases like "that is just the way it is" etc. to ignore the Golden Rule.
Killing, naturally, is wrong, UNLESS you do in on a grand scale like Germany did with the Jews or Americans did with the Vietnamese where in both cases a good 2 million of the 'enemy' were killed. The means differed, the results were the same, the reasons for the killing indefensible.
Torturing others is wrong UNLESS you are really, really mad, and then, only if you are the State, you can torture captured enemies to gain information from them BUT if others do that to your people for the same reasons it is barbaric and immoral.
Access to good health care is very very important to each of us, and for some of us, that is the end of it; if there are others without access to good health care it is somehow their fault and therefore in some way they are undeserving of it. Especially the kids, if they had chosen the right parents they would have access to good health care like our own kids.
A good education is clearly important---at least for our own kids. And besides all kids could have access to good schools if their parents would just live in an affluent neighborhood like we do---some place where property taxes are high enough to pay for a good education.
And so it goes---essentially the Golden Rule applies unless there is money involved, religion involved, power involved, ethnic differences involved----or more generally speaking, there is something really important which we want, but others have, or something we want which would cost us more if others were to have the same thing. Thus, we all, to differing degrees, put limits on the Golden Rule. Christ may not have, and preached no limits, but well, I'll use the phrase here which conservative religionists use all the time: "I don't want to talk about it".
If the founding prophets of most major religions were to look down upon the the religious organizations they founded they would be startled and disgusted at what they had wrought. If disingenuousness has ever been perfected, organized religion, with possibly a few exceptions, has achieved it. All that is left within these major religions are a few pockets of exceptions---a few individuals who still take the Golden Rule seriously. These individuals are invariably the rebels within the Church, resented and barely tolerated by the powers that be. Church attendance is down in most all sects of Christianity, perhaps because in this massive information age it is hard to ignore how shallow and mindless these meaningless rituals and sermons really are. Like what modern day crusade to gain more civil rights or justice for others has ever been led by the religious right? If the religious right had been the decider we would still have slavery, women still would not be able to vote, child labor laws would not exist, school integration would not exist, practically every government program to help the less fortunate would not exist, gays would still be in the closet, etc. The religious right were the last to accept any of these changes and one might question whether they really ever do accept or did. As far as many of them are concerned it is just such expansion of justice and civil rights which has made this country a cauldron of sin. They have now become a moral minority wrapped in phony patriotism, waving bibles in the air, and using the media to character assassinate all those who are repulsed by their hostility to diversity. Diversity to them is an endless contest and acquired attitude of "over my dead body". They always cling to the past and invent phrases like 'family values' to justify their myopic vision, selfish priorities, and persecutory impulses.
Be all this as it may, everyone is still faced with the dilemma of how to apply the Golden Rule in a realistic fashion. When Jesus said (or is said to have said): "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven", just what did he mean? At what point are you rich? When Jesus told a rich man to go and sell all his wealth and give it to the poor, was He serious? Since I have no real faith that God communicates with any of us via scriptures written by humans hundreds of years ago, I tend to look at the Golden Rule as a concept which is inherent in evolutionary evolved mental function, a part of our mental make-up, a consequence of evolutionary progress. Therefore, human reason is the only tool available to comprehend just exactly what the Golden Rule means.
But first, let's examine the problems associated with the Christian beliefs of being saved, forgiven, and as a consequence gain entrance to Heaven upon death. Any of this is obviously a belief, there is no scientific or logical proof for any of this. That, of course, does not necessarily make it wrong, but it does make it a belief. Are moral actions wasted if there is no heaven? Perhaps I should just knock off a few people here on earth, an action which would make life on earth, for me, just a bit more pleasant. Moral actions, it just seems from observing those who really do moral things and follow the Golden Rule, are actions which contribute to personal contentedness. Whatever else you can say about the religious right, they never come across as minimally contented. It is more like they are in a constant agitated state, with perceived enemies---called heathens---who serve as a constant target for their pent up aggressiveness. When one is doing the calling of God, especially a God who personally and constantly is judging you as an individual, and his human spiritual leaders have identified the enemies, the anger and persecution can get elevated to high levels. Reason is abandoned, faith soars, and and the slaughter commences (figuratively and literally).
This concept of being saved, aside from being beyond proof scientifically or logically, has been troublesome for centuries. According to this concept Jeffery Dahmer, who was 'saved' before he died, could go to heaven despite his crimes while his victims, who might not have been saved yet, could be destined for eternal torment. This is ludicrous. I do not say a heaven is not possible for the reason I also cannot comprehend how our current life is possible. If one is incomprehensible, but exists, then the other, also incomprehensible, might also exist. But it is clear that humans everywhere, devoid of mental illness like psychopathy, understand right from wrong. The evolutionary process has given us a moral compass, and it is internal, not something we can only get from human written scripture centuries ago. Ethics is not illogical. It is rarely a case of not knowing right from wrong, it is almost always a case of finding a reason for doing wrong rather than right, or finding the strength to do the right thing. I probably taught thousands of students, a good number from difficult environmental situations, and I can't say I knew hardly any who did not know right from wrong. We know right from wrong. Whether we will do right or wrong in any particular instance is the question.
Now back to the Golden Rule. What do I do with my money? How much of it should I give to the less fortunate? When should I give it? Right now? When I die? To whom? At one extreme I could give it all away right now and live on welfare. That seems a tad unreasonable. I am not one of those who goes around saying "it is my money I earned it, I will do what I want with it." I know that is bullshit. I didn't choose my parents, my place of birth, my physical characteristics, my neighborhood peers, the schools I went to, my basic personality, my inherited talents, my sexual peculiarities, my religion, etc. What I got is a hand dealt, with some good cards, and some bad cards. Compared to most in the world, I got a pretty good hand. So it would be ludicrous and self serving for me to suddenly claim "I earned it". There are many others who were dealt far worst cards and grew up under much more difficult environment circumstances. Many opportunities which I had, probably most others did not. Of course many others had better cards than I and have been more fortunate. Am I discounting any personal efforts made via my own established priorities, efforts, and understandings? No, I am not discounting personal achievement. But it really doesn't make any difference. Wherever we end up, for whatever reasons, the Golden Rule still applies.
It has taken me all these years to figure out to what extent I need use the Golden Rule with my accumulated money. For me, something has to be relatively simple or I can't be effective with it. So I have arrived at this decision. Whatever the basics I need to live comfortably is all deservingly mine. So let's say I need a car to get around. But I could buy a decent car for $20,000 or I could buy a desirable better car for $35,000 dollars. If I buy a $35,000 car ($15,000 more) it is ok if I then give $15,000 dollars to the less fortunate. That way their needs count as much as mine. They want and I want, so we split it. After all, a $35,000 dollar car is not exactly a necessity. I have hobbies which cost some money. In my case there really are no expensive hobbies but there are some. It is okay, for example, for me to go to the horse races if I then spend an equal amount of money on the less fortunate. In general, the principle I have adopted is that the less fortunate count as much as I do. Fair is fair (A Terrell Owens mantra).
But even doing this will result in money left at the time of death. Then all of it should be returned to the society from which it came, and to the less fortunate in that society. The less fortunate are almost always not your kids. I never have heard of any religious prophet who preached any obligation to your kids past raising your kids properly to adulthood. Nothing is more preposterous than these spoiled people who inherited wealth and then pretend their financial situation is because they "earned it". If that is not a farce, I don't know what is. Now that modern medicine and medical gadgets can enable us, no matter how feeble or limited, to live for many more months, even decades---because of all this many people in their productive years find themselves saddled with serious care-taking responsibilities for really extended periods of time. By the time their parents die, the inheritable money, hidden away in most cases to avoid paying for medical care out of the parents money, is inherited at an age when the kids are themselves retired or approaching retirement. Within this last sentence are all sorts of ethical dilemmas. At any rate it just seems the Golden Rule logically dictates that money I am fortunate enough to have extracted from society to sustain my needs, should then be returned to the society from which it was extracted, and to those less fortunate in life and young enough to benefit the most from it. Clearly, if you have a son or daughter with special physical or mental needs they qualify for inheritable money. Otherwise they really don't. This squirreling away money on a genetic basis, generation after generation, has reached the point now where in America 1% of the people own 90% of the wealth. Maybe the figure is really 3%, but no need to quibble here. Is this an America driven by equal opportunity or fairness to all? I don't think so and like every dominant civilization which went this way (they practically all did) the civilization imploded from the accumulation of wealth in the hands of a few off the backs of the many.
So there I have it, after many decades of pondering, I finally have figured out a practical way to apply the Golden Rule. Now I will keep a record book of money I spend on myself which has nothing to do with the basic needs of living, and see to it that for every dollar spent on non-necessary things, another dollar goes to the less fortunate or to protect the environment, etc. I don't know wether it gets me to Heaven or not, but it enables me to be content with myself. Selfishness doesn't seem to ever breed contentedness. And if you can't be content, what the fuck is achieved by all the pushing, shoving, shell games, disingenuous bullshit, and selfish priorities? If you can't be in sync with evolution, God's created process of life, you will never be content. You can swim upstream all your life, or you can go gently down the evolutionary stream. It is the kindness of others which brings richness to our own lives. It is the kindness to others which is our duty as embedded in the Golden Rule.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
So Who Is The Best?
So who is the Best?
I finally have figured out what I don't like about pro football. Here is a sport in which teams remotely close in talent cannot be predicted who will win with any degree of accuracy. I can accept that as it is still exciting to watch even if the games are full of the unexpected and unpredictable. One can argue, I guess, what percent of the outcome is determined by unpredictable factors, but the percentage is high, and this is proven by the success record of the 'experts' predicting games. It hovers around 60%.
But what I can't tolerate very well is listening to all the bullshit before and after the games where intelligent people use all sorts of totally unmeasurable variables as to why each team won or will win a game. All of a sudden football becomes a game of team chemistry, desire, motivation, likability, and just all sorts of claims which are totally unmeasurable.
I hate this because football is a game of talent, game plans, injuries, and unpredictable bad breaks. If one wants to call each player performing well his assigned tasks team chemistry, so be it. There can be no intelligent discussion of football game outcomes if one team is going to be accused of not being motivated enough, have good enough chemistry, etc. I think character assassination by those not personally involved with someone is nothing more than cheap shots taken by cheap shot artists. It just seems after every game certain individuals get run up the flag pole as the greatest ever and others who lost sometimes pummeled to death with character slander. The same individuals are bums one game and future Hall of Famers the next game. After a while the character assassination gets nonsensical. When the unpredictable factors go one way, the player is the world's greatest; when they go the other way, the player is embalmed in personal faults. If one likes a player he gets to slide under any kind of bar. If one doesn't like the player every miscue is a major exposure of weakness.
During any season, on various games, a whole wide range of wide receivers have been called the best in the game today. Fortunately, every day is a different day so I guess maybe they could claim to be right. There are so many factors which determine which wide receiver is really the best, that no such accurate designation could be made by even the smartest of us. For any receiver the quarterbacks differ, the schedule differs, the importance of the passing game for teams differs, the quality of the other receivers on the team differs, the coaches differ, and the physical status of receivers throughout the season differs. And so it goes, with most other positions facing the same variables. Maybe this is what makes football so popular---just about anyone can find some reasons to defend or attack any player or any team. I seem to be the only logical one amongst this cadre of raucous contentiousness. Smile.
I finally have figured out what I don't like about pro football. Here is a sport in which teams remotely close in talent cannot be predicted who will win with any degree of accuracy. I can accept that as it is still exciting to watch even if the games are full of the unexpected and unpredictable. One can argue, I guess, what percent of the outcome is determined by unpredictable factors, but the percentage is high, and this is proven by the success record of the 'experts' predicting games. It hovers around 60%.
But what I can't tolerate very well is listening to all the bullshit before and after the games where intelligent people use all sorts of totally unmeasurable variables as to why each team won or will win a game. All of a sudden football becomes a game of team chemistry, desire, motivation, likability, and just all sorts of claims which are totally unmeasurable.
I hate this because football is a game of talent, game plans, injuries, and unpredictable bad breaks. If one wants to call each player performing well his assigned tasks team chemistry, so be it. There can be no intelligent discussion of football game outcomes if one team is going to be accused of not being motivated enough, have good enough chemistry, etc. I think character assassination by those not personally involved with someone is nothing more than cheap shots taken by cheap shot artists. It just seems after every game certain individuals get run up the flag pole as the greatest ever and others who lost sometimes pummeled to death with character slander. The same individuals are bums one game and future Hall of Famers the next game. After a while the character assassination gets nonsensical. When the unpredictable factors go one way, the player is the world's greatest; when they go the other way, the player is embalmed in personal faults. If one likes a player he gets to slide under any kind of bar. If one doesn't like the player every miscue is a major exposure of weakness.
During any season, on various games, a whole wide range of wide receivers have been called the best in the game today. Fortunately, every day is a different day so I guess maybe they could claim to be right. There are so many factors which determine which wide receiver is really the best, that no such accurate designation could be made by even the smartest of us. For any receiver the quarterbacks differ, the schedule differs, the importance of the passing game for teams differs, the quality of the other receivers on the team differs, the coaches differ, and the physical status of receivers throughout the season differs. And so it goes, with most other positions facing the same variables. Maybe this is what makes football so popular---just about anyone can find some reasons to defend or attack any player or any team. I seem to be the only logical one amongst this cadre of raucous contentiousness. Smile.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
EMOTIONAL CRUCIATION
Emotional Cruciation:
I reckon most people have a part of their life which is painful for them---with subsequent irreparable emotional damage. This alone justifies giving others a little space which otherwise might not be deserved. In some cases this pain resurfaces while watching certain movies---movies which are too close emotionally to a past painful situation. Pain of this nature never really goes away---it is like etched in stone upon your psyche. This kind of pain can arise from various tragedies----from health events, to physical limitations, to bad situations in formative years, to career failures, etc. For me it involves personal loss. Some tragic losses are expected. You know, for example, your parents are eventually going to die. You know your pet will die. You know you will get old. You know you cannot be a famous singer if you just don't have the talent to be one, etc. But there are sometimes losses for which you are blindsided, losses which are forced losses, losses which can be attributed in part to your own weakness, losses because of your own poor choices, losses because of your own selfishness, losses based on the intolerance and ignorance of others. For me it was a composite of all the latter---a grandaddy of a grand slam.
'This too will pass' does not apply to certain kinds of losses. If you ever have watched a movie in which two unique people, against all odds, find 'true love' you are inescapably touched. These kind of movies should end right there. Some do. But many movie directors blow the magic all up with tragedy and circumstances which force the 'true love' to implode or be terminated. You are left sad and angry, like why did it have to end this way? I think most people like good endings. Certainly I do. We all want good endings for our own 'true love' stories.
Being caught in the middle of a forced implosion of a 'true love' is to have your emotional state twisted into a pretzel and permanently scarred. Certain treasured emotions you will never be able to recreate again in a new setting with new entanglements, hampred instead by dead zone emotional scars. Your inner world will never ever be the same. You will be emotionally handicapped in one aspect of your life---FOR LIFE. Your life, no matter how successful otherwise, will always have to work around this peculiar emotional dead spot zone.
BUT, granting all of this, it is not all bad. "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all". Or so it is said. If anything might be undefinable, it is "true love". I wonder what percentage of us even have that emotional fortune? Whatever true love might really be, it puts one person at the center of your own vaporous life as the most important person in your life---the person from whom you learned the most, who best complimented your own emotional state, the one who understood you the best, brought the best out of you, and made your life the most meaningful. The relationship between love and sex has been, and still remains, mysterious. 'True love' is like eternal; sex is, for the most part, a youth related engagement which exists as an entity coupled with 'true love' but has a life outside that non-physical bond. One need remember that studies have shown most people experience their strongest orgasms via masturbation---sex with someone you love, to be sarcastic about it. I guess, to the extent this is true, masturbation lets you totally control your own sexual thoughts without any other interference. I reckon true love, almost by definition, has a strong youthful sexual component, but a component which changes over time in intensity, frequency, and methodology of the activity.
Whatever 'true love' is, and if lost through a forced ending, with some personal complicity in that termination---no matter what the reasons for the personal complicity---it will be a haunting loss. I guess one can accept a loss which you could not have prevented, but when such a loss involves your own complicity at some level, it is forever unforgivable---an act of disloyalty which you drag along like a ball and chain for the rest of your life. Even if your own complicity is understandable, maybe even the best of the worst choices, you will never escape personal remorse for abandoning the last person in your life deserving of abandonment. 'It was for the best' will never ring as an acceptable truth.
Strangely, when all the dust settles, you will never be alone again. You will feel the lost 'true love's' presence at all times. The essence of their being is always there, playing a role in so many decisions, so many of your feelings toward others, and events in life. Their guidance through life never ends, their influence on your own persona never ends, and you will never feel less alone than when alone with your thoughts about them. The person will remain more real than anyone else around you, more influential than anyone else around you, and will always be the pillar of strength which allows you to take an unpopular stance---what you feel is the right stance, and free you from the dependence on others for approval. Even from the loss you are still left with immeasurable permanent emotional support, ways of thinking which you will forever treasure, and a past love to lean on which sustains you when life's disappointments are too much in your face.
When all is said and done---said so poorly with little done in the usual sense of done---there remains this truth: if anything is true, as to who your true love really is--- there is no doubt, no debate, no competition, and this becomes one of the few certainties in your life. You are trapped---you simply cannot replace the irreplaceable in matters of entangled adoration.
Something about Jimmy Durante's "Goodnight Mrs. Calabash wherever you are" has always been etched in my mind as the saddest of forlornness. The older I get the longer the list of names which I can add to that phrase, but the one front and center, if there has to be just one, is no contest. It is like the wind, you felt it, but then it was gone; you know it exists somewhere over the proverbial rainbow---a strong force, so strong that you are still being carried along by the vortex of it's power. 'Til death do us part' fits here to a tee. That's about the sum of it.
I reckon most people have a part of their life which is painful for them---with subsequent irreparable emotional damage. This alone justifies giving others a little space which otherwise might not be deserved. In some cases this pain resurfaces while watching certain movies---movies which are too close emotionally to a past painful situation. Pain of this nature never really goes away---it is like etched in stone upon your psyche. This kind of pain can arise from various tragedies----from health events, to physical limitations, to bad situations in formative years, to career failures, etc. For me it involves personal loss. Some tragic losses are expected. You know, for example, your parents are eventually going to die. You know your pet will die. You know you will get old. You know you cannot be a famous singer if you just don't have the talent to be one, etc. But there are sometimes losses for which you are blindsided, losses which are forced losses, losses which can be attributed in part to your own weakness, losses because of your own poor choices, losses because of your own selfishness, losses based on the intolerance and ignorance of others. For me it was a composite of all the latter---a grandaddy of a grand slam.
'This too will pass' does not apply to certain kinds of losses. If you ever have watched a movie in which two unique people, against all odds, find 'true love' you are inescapably touched. These kind of movies should end right there. Some do. But many movie directors blow the magic all up with tragedy and circumstances which force the 'true love' to implode or be terminated. You are left sad and angry, like why did it have to end this way? I think most people like good endings. Certainly I do. We all want good endings for our own 'true love' stories.
Being caught in the middle of a forced implosion of a 'true love' is to have your emotional state twisted into a pretzel and permanently scarred. Certain treasured emotions you will never be able to recreate again in a new setting with new entanglements, hampred instead by dead zone emotional scars. Your inner world will never ever be the same. You will be emotionally handicapped in one aspect of your life---FOR LIFE. Your life, no matter how successful otherwise, will always have to work around this peculiar emotional dead spot zone.
BUT, granting all of this, it is not all bad. "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all". Or so it is said. If anything might be undefinable, it is "true love". I wonder what percentage of us even have that emotional fortune? Whatever true love might really be, it puts one person at the center of your own vaporous life as the most important person in your life---the person from whom you learned the most, who best complimented your own emotional state, the one who understood you the best, brought the best out of you, and made your life the most meaningful. The relationship between love and sex has been, and still remains, mysterious. 'True love' is like eternal; sex is, for the most part, a youth related engagement which exists as an entity coupled with 'true love' but has a life outside that non-physical bond. One need remember that studies have shown most people experience their strongest orgasms via masturbation---sex with someone you love, to be sarcastic about it. I guess, to the extent this is true, masturbation lets you totally control your own sexual thoughts without any other interference. I reckon true love, almost by definition, has a strong youthful sexual component, but a component which changes over time in intensity, frequency, and methodology of the activity.
Whatever 'true love' is, and if lost through a forced ending, with some personal complicity in that termination---no matter what the reasons for the personal complicity---it will be a haunting loss. I guess one can accept a loss which you could not have prevented, but when such a loss involves your own complicity at some level, it is forever unforgivable---an act of disloyalty which you drag along like a ball and chain for the rest of your life. Even if your own complicity is understandable, maybe even the best of the worst choices, you will never escape personal remorse for abandoning the last person in your life deserving of abandonment. 'It was for the best' will never ring as an acceptable truth.
Strangely, when all the dust settles, you will never be alone again. You will feel the lost 'true love's' presence at all times. The essence of their being is always there, playing a role in so many decisions, so many of your feelings toward others, and events in life. Their guidance through life never ends, their influence on your own persona never ends, and you will never feel less alone than when alone with your thoughts about them. The person will remain more real than anyone else around you, more influential than anyone else around you, and will always be the pillar of strength which allows you to take an unpopular stance---what you feel is the right stance, and free you from the dependence on others for approval. Even from the loss you are still left with immeasurable permanent emotional support, ways of thinking which you will forever treasure, and a past love to lean on which sustains you when life's disappointments are too much in your face.
When all is said and done---said so poorly with little done in the usual sense of done---there remains this truth: if anything is true, as to who your true love really is--- there is no doubt, no debate, no competition, and this becomes one of the few certainties in your life. You are trapped---you simply cannot replace the irreplaceable in matters of entangled adoration.
Something about Jimmy Durante's "Goodnight Mrs. Calabash wherever you are" has always been etched in my mind as the saddest of forlornness. The older I get the longer the list of names which I can add to that phrase, but the one front and center, if there has to be just one, is no contest. It is like the wind, you felt it, but then it was gone; you know it exists somewhere over the proverbial rainbow---a strong force, so strong that you are still being carried along by the vortex of it's power. 'Til death do us part' fits here to a tee. That's about the sum of it.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
25 Most Important People In My Life
The 25 Most Important People In My LIfe:
One day shuffling along some nature path I thought about the most important people in my life. But ranking them is another story. I could easily rank the person who was #1, but after that it gets a bit silly. I am a product of everyone I met along the way. It is my unique input which makes me a unique 'person'. Nobody else had my input. Maybe there are really two unique persons----my physical uniqueness and my unique persona. My physical uniqueness just is, an inherited trait. I suppose a good portion of my basic personality may well be inherited, but the full blown persona known as me is really a product of all those I have met along the way.
Different people were of differing importance depending on the period of my life and the circumstances of my life. Add to this the realization that there really is no accurate way to measure the influence of differing people on the formation of your own persona---a persona which changes with your age, your environment, your changing experiences, and your health. I learned early on in my professional career as a physiologist that a person, deprived of all sensory input, goes crazy in a short period of time. Most likely, all of us, given our particular sensory input in life, are a bit crazy or unstable somewheres in the dark depths of our cerebral circuits. We also should not discredit our own mental input. That is, our own thoughts affect our mental development. I think reading a lot of nonfiction and coming in meaningful contact with all sorts of diverse people is of immeasurable value in achieving a mental state which supports contentment. Therein may lie the danger of too much occupation with cell phones and the internet. This is more just data input than any real conceptualization for your mental development. When I was young we had plenty of time to be bored, thus were forced to think, forced to engage in meaningful conversation about a lot of things. I ride the train into and from Chicago a lot and you can't help but hear a lot of these cell phone conversations. I can't say I have ever heard one that might remotely qualify as in depth intellectual stimulation on an important issue or topic. It is almost all social babble. Social babble is important too---but 24 hr social babble mixed with mountains of data from the internet, mixed with some sleep, does not constitute great intellectual stimulation or generate any profound thoughts about life. The human mind is more than some sort of storage dump and social file retrieval.
Then again, just what are the benefits from higher intellectual stimulation on important issues? There just might be some truth that he/she who knows little, and expects little, may reach a degree of contentedness that matches the contentedness which comes from higher intellectual pursuit. One need remember that mental activity includes our emotional state. What counts, to no small degree, is what emotional state is achieved with any particular sensory input. Some people thrive on danger while others are an emotional wreck in times of danger. Most are in between. Some seek excitement, some seek calm. Some seek adventure, some seek a dependable routine.
Thus, logically, it can be deduced that the influence of others on our own persona is both emotional and intellectual. You may not have gained much of an intellectual deposit from certain people in your life, but their impact on your emotional state may well be of no small importance. I have given up any ranking of the 25 most important people in my life. My life, as with the life of others, has not been stationary. I am not a single 'person'; my persona changes from moment to moment and with one age to another. Gains are balanced by losses, and with age, the losses begin to outnumber the gains. How we learn to handle the emotions of all the gains and losses determines just how content we ever are at any time in our lives. I, for example, measured by certain standards, had more reason to be content when younger than I do now. BUT, youth---at least in my case---demanded challenges, excitement, risks, involvement, social acceptance, professional stature, financial security, and other assorted mandates. Were those good times? Yes, measured by the standards of youth. Were these contented times? In a roller coaster way I suppose yes. But I am more content now than ever, and I think only because all those objectives of youth are out of the way. I no longer feel any real need for challenges, excitement, risks, social involvement, acceptance, professional stature, etc. The only carry over is financial security, and for now, I have that. I have no expensive habits, travel seems in theory a good idea, but in reality it seems to interfere with my daily routine, a routine which, though simple, generates a relaxed contented state. One of the nicest things about the terminational years is that if you won't get out of the way, others will see to it that you do. That, though seemingly sad, is really the way it should be. Only a fool would battle on as though they were still in their productive years. Only a fool, in their terminational years, depends on others and all those things that mattered in your formative and productive years, to bring them contentedness. If one goes through life using his/her mind as a data dump/social file retrieval, the terminational years can be rough. Understanding yourself, the world around you, important issues of life, politics, and human interactions, are complicated issues which challenge your mind at the highest level. From birth onward you begin to find pieces of life's puzzle. If you are lucky enough to reach your terminational years with your mind reasonably intact, you will have accumulated enough pieces of life's puzzle to start putting them together. That is my hobby. It is challenging enough, it doesn't require the participation of others, it brings a feeling of relaxed contentment as I fit the pieces together. "What is the purpose of such an effort", one might ask. Will any conclusions change the world? Of course not. The laws of evolution in God's created world, will change the world. Evolution has been going on for many millions of years. I suppose it will lead wherever it will lead and I can't will it to lead anywhere. Religions always try to create the delusion that there is some sort of important "I" in the process, with some sort of God taking us by the hand and walking us through the mine field of life---BUT only IF we hold certain inherited beliefs and rituals firmly in our minds. This kind of delusion doesn't bring contentment or increase our ability to deal with reality. The proof is in the behavior of the religious right in any religion. Whatever else these people are, they are never happy campers. One can always tell the others trapped in their midst---these others have this hunted look with targets on their back---and if the moment is ever right, the religious right will persecute them unmercifully, of course in the name of God. I don't think any real contentment ever comes from this desperate attempt to make yourself more important in the evolutionary process than you really are. In the end such people often exclaim, "God, why have you forsaken me?".
The question is inane. The major cause of death in this world is birth. Once born you are destined to die. Yep. But even though we as a person die, life itself moves on, Time stays, we go, life goes on. He/she who goes through the terminational stages of life with the most independence from others, and truly understands the nature of evolution, will be content to go gently down the stream, appreciating the many blessing of life and all those who contributed to the formation of his/her own particular persona. We are indeed a part of all of those we have met, and if we can manage to control our own dying process, to escape the intrusions of government or religious laws, we will be able to enjoy life on our own terms, for as long as we can, and then when enough is enough, enough is enough. No one else, but our own psyche, can determine when enough it enough. If freedom means anything, it means we should be free to control our own dying process. Let us live and let live, which includes not forcing anyone to live past their own wishes. The Golden Rule applies to the end. As I would not have anyone else tell me how I should die, and when, I would not not tell them how they should die and when. GOOD LIFE and GOOD DEATH is about the all of it. This calls for an AMEN.
One day shuffling along some nature path I thought about the most important people in my life. But ranking them is another story. I could easily rank the person who was #1, but after that it gets a bit silly. I am a product of everyone I met along the way. It is my unique input which makes me a unique 'person'. Nobody else had my input. Maybe there are really two unique persons----my physical uniqueness and my unique persona. My physical uniqueness just is, an inherited trait. I suppose a good portion of my basic personality may well be inherited, but the full blown persona known as me is really a product of all those I have met along the way.
Different people were of differing importance depending on the period of my life and the circumstances of my life. Add to this the realization that there really is no accurate way to measure the influence of differing people on the formation of your own persona---a persona which changes with your age, your environment, your changing experiences, and your health. I learned early on in my professional career as a physiologist that a person, deprived of all sensory input, goes crazy in a short period of time. Most likely, all of us, given our particular sensory input in life, are a bit crazy or unstable somewheres in the dark depths of our cerebral circuits. We also should not discredit our own mental input. That is, our own thoughts affect our mental development. I think reading a lot of nonfiction and coming in meaningful contact with all sorts of diverse people is of immeasurable value in achieving a mental state which supports contentment. Therein may lie the danger of too much occupation with cell phones and the internet. This is more just data input than any real conceptualization for your mental development. When I was young we had plenty of time to be bored, thus were forced to think, forced to engage in meaningful conversation about a lot of things. I ride the train into and from Chicago a lot and you can't help but hear a lot of these cell phone conversations. I can't say I have ever heard one that might remotely qualify as in depth intellectual stimulation on an important issue or topic. It is almost all social babble. Social babble is important too---but 24 hr social babble mixed with mountains of data from the internet, mixed with some sleep, does not constitute great intellectual stimulation or generate any profound thoughts about life. The human mind is more than some sort of storage dump and social file retrieval.
Then again, just what are the benefits from higher intellectual stimulation on important issues? There just might be some truth that he/she who knows little, and expects little, may reach a degree of contentedness that matches the contentedness which comes from higher intellectual pursuit. One need remember that mental activity includes our emotional state. What counts, to no small degree, is what emotional state is achieved with any particular sensory input. Some people thrive on danger while others are an emotional wreck in times of danger. Most are in between. Some seek excitement, some seek calm. Some seek adventure, some seek a dependable routine.
Thus, logically, it can be deduced that the influence of others on our own persona is both emotional and intellectual. You may not have gained much of an intellectual deposit from certain people in your life, but their impact on your emotional state may well be of no small importance. I have given up any ranking of the 25 most important people in my life. My life, as with the life of others, has not been stationary. I am not a single 'person'; my persona changes from moment to moment and with one age to another. Gains are balanced by losses, and with age, the losses begin to outnumber the gains. How we learn to handle the emotions of all the gains and losses determines just how content we ever are at any time in our lives. I, for example, measured by certain standards, had more reason to be content when younger than I do now. BUT, youth---at least in my case---demanded challenges, excitement, risks, involvement, social acceptance, professional stature, financial security, and other assorted mandates. Were those good times? Yes, measured by the standards of youth. Were these contented times? In a roller coaster way I suppose yes. But I am more content now than ever, and I think only because all those objectives of youth are out of the way. I no longer feel any real need for challenges, excitement, risks, social involvement, acceptance, professional stature, etc. The only carry over is financial security, and for now, I have that. I have no expensive habits, travel seems in theory a good idea, but in reality it seems to interfere with my daily routine, a routine which, though simple, generates a relaxed contented state. One of the nicest things about the terminational years is that if you won't get out of the way, others will see to it that you do. That, though seemingly sad, is really the way it should be. Only a fool would battle on as though they were still in their productive years. Only a fool, in their terminational years, depends on others and all those things that mattered in your formative and productive years, to bring them contentedness. If one goes through life using his/her mind as a data dump/social file retrieval, the terminational years can be rough. Understanding yourself, the world around you, important issues of life, politics, and human interactions, are complicated issues which challenge your mind at the highest level. From birth onward you begin to find pieces of life's puzzle. If you are lucky enough to reach your terminational years with your mind reasonably intact, you will have accumulated enough pieces of life's puzzle to start putting them together. That is my hobby. It is challenging enough, it doesn't require the participation of others, it brings a feeling of relaxed contentment as I fit the pieces together. "What is the purpose of such an effort", one might ask. Will any conclusions change the world? Of course not. The laws of evolution in God's created world, will change the world. Evolution has been going on for many millions of years. I suppose it will lead wherever it will lead and I can't will it to lead anywhere. Religions always try to create the delusion that there is some sort of important "I" in the process, with some sort of God taking us by the hand and walking us through the mine field of life---BUT only IF we hold certain inherited beliefs and rituals firmly in our minds. This kind of delusion doesn't bring contentment or increase our ability to deal with reality. The proof is in the behavior of the religious right in any religion. Whatever else these people are, they are never happy campers. One can always tell the others trapped in their midst---these others have this hunted look with targets on their back---and if the moment is ever right, the religious right will persecute them unmercifully, of course in the name of God. I don't think any real contentment ever comes from this desperate attempt to make yourself more important in the evolutionary process than you really are. In the end such people often exclaim, "God, why have you forsaken me?".
The question is inane. The major cause of death in this world is birth. Once born you are destined to die. Yep. But even though we as a person die, life itself moves on, Time stays, we go, life goes on. He/she who goes through the terminational stages of life with the most independence from others, and truly understands the nature of evolution, will be content to go gently down the stream, appreciating the many blessing of life and all those who contributed to the formation of his/her own particular persona. We are indeed a part of all of those we have met, and if we can manage to control our own dying process, to escape the intrusions of government or religious laws, we will be able to enjoy life on our own terms, for as long as we can, and then when enough is enough, enough is enough. No one else, but our own psyche, can determine when enough it enough. If freedom means anything, it means we should be free to control our own dying process. Let us live and let live, which includes not forcing anyone to live past their own wishes. The Golden Rule applies to the end. As I would not have anyone else tell me how I should die, and when, I would not not tell them how they should die and when. GOOD LIFE and GOOD DEATH is about the all of it. This calls for an AMEN.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
When You Are Unwelcome
HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU ARE UNWELCOME:
There is no way to be a welcome presence to everyone at all times. Which of us will be welcome how much, how often, under what circumstances, will vary. This is an immutable reality. It is what it is. AND, being an unwelcome presence, no matter to what degree, will make time slow down, contentedness evaporate, and your mood level tumble. Sometimes, for varied reasons, your presence is required, duty prevails, and like a good soldier you muddle through it, satisfied only that with duty over, duty done will be the reward. All in all, there are better rewards.
For all of us, to achieve a healthy state of mind, being in unwelcome situations needs be kept to a reasonable minimum. Not often can you, thru sheer persistence, make yourself welcome. This is most clearly understood in matters of romance, in family matters, in friendship circles. You see it most clearly in such situations because the investment in these situations is major, not minor. You are trapped in these situations, and you feel the discomfort of unwelcomeness the most. To make the matter more difficult, it is rarely a simple matter of right vs wrong. Over time, with effort and experienced living, I have come to like a lot of people with whom I have no desire to be around much. Some adornments in life are best appreciated by their distance or infrequency of their presence. Visiting a Modern Art museum is that way for me. I sometimes am amused, puzzled, or otherwise stimulated by some of the art, primarily because it is not my usual environment. The unusual often, for me, is interesting and intriguing. Appreciating diversity is a key to a contented life, whether it be people, environments, or situations. To attempt to etch everything in stone as good or bad, and then gate yourself into some kind of personally biased mind set, giving rise to personal vendettas of some sort against diversity, is to create for yourself emotional pain of a permanent nature. Live and let live, up to a point, is one requirement for contentment.
Probably most everyone has a need to feel welcome in most situations. The difficulty arises when one tries to assess the degree of unwelcomeness. And then there are the situations where the unwelcomeness varies for this or that reason. The worst scenarios of unwelcomeness often involve family relationships, the kind which are unavoidable for reasons of duty and to please others in the family who want you to tolerate such unwelcomeness. And so it starts and may continue on seemingly forever with a hell of it's own making. The best one can do is dodge the bullets, survive to be a target another day, and if you are really lucky, distance will dull the impact of the bullets. Distance is a wonderful entity. It often keeps the peace and limits the intensity of conflict. And distance is often the answer to solving unwelcomeness. Distance is a healer in many situations. Even married couples often need some space---distance is medicine for many marriages, and even some friendships.
If I am grateful for many things in life, and right up there has to be my penchant for feeling most contented out in nature, by myself, walking along surrounded by the beauty and intricacies of God's created evolutionary process. It is then I feel least alone, most at home, never unwelcome, and sense being a part of something that is wondrous, something eternal, something I can really respect, really appreciate. It is then I truly feel "there is a way of life, a way of thinking, of behaving towards other men and your fellow creatures, towards all living things, towards the whole earth and the sky and the sun that is based on love, on compassion, on respect, on cherishing everything there is around you because it is wonderful, unique, it's natural and good and it evolved that way by itself, it's got to be cherished and if we think like that and live that kind of life, we can all have our freedom, we can all have our happiness, we can all feel the sun and smell the grass and smell the flowers and look upon each other with appreciation" (Davis). Nature to me is like an eraser, I live a daily life with it's inherent accumulation of emotional clutter---then I escape to nature for hours at a time and return with a clean slate, renewed faith in others, renewed appreciation of diversity, a new reservoir of tolerance, and renewed energy to deal with the realities of life. It is like if one can understand from whence he/she comes, and the nature of the evolutionary process, one can then, and only then, accept one's role in that process. We are, after all is said and done---with more being said than done----not the center of anything, not exempt from the laws of evolution, and yet, at least for some of us, blessed by the hand of good fortune in a process seeped in misfortune. "The clock of Life is wound but once and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late, or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love and toil with a will. Place no faith in tomorrow, for the clock may then be still" (Author I don't know). What we need all seek is "the serenity to accept the things we cannot change: the courage to change those things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference" (author I again don't know). Finally we need to "go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what Peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, but do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, WHATEVER you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy" (found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore, Dated 1692).
In the total scheme of things, it is meant by the inherent nature of human nature that we should, everyone one of us, feel unwelcome amongst others from time to time. In general, those persons are happiest who let others come to them, however often that might be nor not be---for to force oneself on others rarely brings any positive returns. Unwelcomeness is a feeling and feelings often just are, and not subject to real objective analysis. Once you accept the right of others to distance themselves from you, and they wish you would distance yourself from them---only then can you fade from the scene with the absence of anger, disappointment , or frustration. In the last analysis, doing the right thing---in this case removing yourself as an object of disdain---is reward enough. I mean, do you really want to remain with a feeling of unwelcomeness in order to stand on some misguided principle that others are wrong? One time two gentlemen who disliked each other were approaching each other on a narrow sidewalk. One kept straight forward until the other stepped aside in the gutter, the straight walker proudly proclaiming "I never step aside for a scoundrel"! The other gentleman replied, "I sir, on the other hand, always do". Stepping aside when one is unwelcome, in purely social situations, is an act of charity. When one can contribute to a more healthy camaraderie by stepping aside, one should. In most social situations, when one door closes, another opens. Here today, gone tomorrow, is the fate of most friendships. When it comes to most forms of friendship, no one owes anyone anything. Rather, while the friendship flourished both gained, and that in itself is something for which to be thankful.
Thus, the smart learn to detect unwelcomeness early and act accordingly. Tolerating unwelcomeness in the absence of any valid necessity, is a fool's game. When you find yourself less often included in planning, you are unwelcome. When you find your own input routinely discarded, you are unwelcome. When you find yourself less eager to meet with a group, you are unwelcome, when you find yourself more and more guarded in what you better say or not say, you are unwelcome. When you find kidding that used to be funny, falling flat, you are unwelcome. When others use humor, not to be funny, but to be mean-spirited toward you, you are not welcome. When you find yourself more and more outside the loop in topics of conversation you are not welcome. When you seek excuses to get away on your own for a bit, you are not welcome.
While all of this is no picnic, and even a disappointment (mostly because we dislike change and want things the way they used to be), the solution is simple, swift, and uplifting to all parties involved. You simply evaporate and like the wind, move on. Poof! Like magic, the problem is solved---the group is reinvigorated and the feeling of unwelcomeness non existent. In fact, distance leads enchantment to the view from every side. Fond memories abound and cannot be replaced by any endless pointless irritations. Time moves on, and the kaleidoscopic images of friendship change, some fading while others blossom. So be it as it be---let it be, for it will be, as it is going to be---pages turn, time stays---we go.
There is no way to be a welcome presence to everyone at all times. Which of us will be welcome how much, how often, under what circumstances, will vary. This is an immutable reality. It is what it is. AND, being an unwelcome presence, no matter to what degree, will make time slow down, contentedness evaporate, and your mood level tumble. Sometimes, for varied reasons, your presence is required, duty prevails, and like a good soldier you muddle through it, satisfied only that with duty over, duty done will be the reward. All in all, there are better rewards.
For all of us, to achieve a healthy state of mind, being in unwelcome situations needs be kept to a reasonable minimum. Not often can you, thru sheer persistence, make yourself welcome. This is most clearly understood in matters of romance, in family matters, in friendship circles. You see it most clearly in such situations because the investment in these situations is major, not minor. You are trapped in these situations, and you feel the discomfort of unwelcomeness the most. To make the matter more difficult, it is rarely a simple matter of right vs wrong. Over time, with effort and experienced living, I have come to like a lot of people with whom I have no desire to be around much. Some adornments in life are best appreciated by their distance or infrequency of their presence. Visiting a Modern Art museum is that way for me. I sometimes am amused, puzzled, or otherwise stimulated by some of the art, primarily because it is not my usual environment. The unusual often, for me, is interesting and intriguing. Appreciating diversity is a key to a contented life, whether it be people, environments, or situations. To attempt to etch everything in stone as good or bad, and then gate yourself into some kind of personally biased mind set, giving rise to personal vendettas of some sort against diversity, is to create for yourself emotional pain of a permanent nature. Live and let live, up to a point, is one requirement for contentment.
Probably most everyone has a need to feel welcome in most situations. The difficulty arises when one tries to assess the degree of unwelcomeness. And then there are the situations where the unwelcomeness varies for this or that reason. The worst scenarios of unwelcomeness often involve family relationships, the kind which are unavoidable for reasons of duty and to please others in the family who want you to tolerate such unwelcomeness. And so it starts and may continue on seemingly forever with a hell of it's own making. The best one can do is dodge the bullets, survive to be a target another day, and if you are really lucky, distance will dull the impact of the bullets. Distance is a wonderful entity. It often keeps the peace and limits the intensity of conflict. And distance is often the answer to solving unwelcomeness. Distance is a healer in many situations. Even married couples often need some space---distance is medicine for many marriages, and even some friendships.
If I am grateful for many things in life, and right up there has to be my penchant for feeling most contented out in nature, by myself, walking along surrounded by the beauty and intricacies of God's created evolutionary process. It is then I feel least alone, most at home, never unwelcome, and sense being a part of something that is wondrous, something eternal, something I can really respect, really appreciate. It is then I truly feel "there is a way of life, a way of thinking, of behaving towards other men and your fellow creatures, towards all living things, towards the whole earth and the sky and the sun that is based on love, on compassion, on respect, on cherishing everything there is around you because it is wonderful, unique, it's natural and good and it evolved that way by itself, it's got to be cherished and if we think like that and live that kind of life, we can all have our freedom, we can all have our happiness, we can all feel the sun and smell the grass and smell the flowers and look upon each other with appreciation" (Davis). Nature to me is like an eraser, I live a daily life with it's inherent accumulation of emotional clutter---then I escape to nature for hours at a time and return with a clean slate, renewed faith in others, renewed appreciation of diversity, a new reservoir of tolerance, and renewed energy to deal with the realities of life. It is like if one can understand from whence he/she comes, and the nature of the evolutionary process, one can then, and only then, accept one's role in that process. We are, after all is said and done---with more being said than done----not the center of anything, not exempt from the laws of evolution, and yet, at least for some of us, blessed by the hand of good fortune in a process seeped in misfortune. "The clock of Life is wound but once and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late, or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love and toil with a will. Place no faith in tomorrow, for the clock may then be still" (Author I don't know). What we need all seek is "the serenity to accept the things we cannot change: the courage to change those things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference" (author I again don't know). Finally we need to "go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what Peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, but do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, WHATEVER you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy" (found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore, Dated 1692).
In the total scheme of things, it is meant by the inherent nature of human nature that we should, everyone one of us, feel unwelcome amongst others from time to time. In general, those persons are happiest who let others come to them, however often that might be nor not be---for to force oneself on others rarely brings any positive returns. Unwelcomeness is a feeling and feelings often just are, and not subject to real objective analysis. Once you accept the right of others to distance themselves from you, and they wish you would distance yourself from them---only then can you fade from the scene with the absence of anger, disappointment , or frustration. In the last analysis, doing the right thing---in this case removing yourself as an object of disdain---is reward enough. I mean, do you really want to remain with a feeling of unwelcomeness in order to stand on some misguided principle that others are wrong? One time two gentlemen who disliked each other were approaching each other on a narrow sidewalk. One kept straight forward until the other stepped aside in the gutter, the straight walker proudly proclaiming "I never step aside for a scoundrel"! The other gentleman replied, "I sir, on the other hand, always do". Stepping aside when one is unwelcome, in purely social situations, is an act of charity. When one can contribute to a more healthy camaraderie by stepping aside, one should. In most social situations, when one door closes, another opens. Here today, gone tomorrow, is the fate of most friendships. When it comes to most forms of friendship, no one owes anyone anything. Rather, while the friendship flourished both gained, and that in itself is something for which to be thankful.
Thus, the smart learn to detect unwelcomeness early and act accordingly. Tolerating unwelcomeness in the absence of any valid necessity, is a fool's game. When you find yourself less often included in planning, you are unwelcome. When you find your own input routinely discarded, you are unwelcome. When you find yourself less eager to meet with a group, you are unwelcome, when you find yourself more and more guarded in what you better say or not say, you are unwelcome. When you find kidding that used to be funny, falling flat, you are unwelcome. When others use humor, not to be funny, but to be mean-spirited toward you, you are not welcome. When you find yourself more and more outside the loop in topics of conversation you are not welcome. When you seek excuses to get away on your own for a bit, you are not welcome.
While all of this is no picnic, and even a disappointment (mostly because we dislike change and want things the way they used to be), the solution is simple, swift, and uplifting to all parties involved. You simply evaporate and like the wind, move on. Poof! Like magic, the problem is solved---the group is reinvigorated and the feeling of unwelcomeness non existent. In fact, distance leads enchantment to the view from every side. Fond memories abound and cannot be replaced by any endless pointless irritations. Time moves on, and the kaleidoscopic images of friendship change, some fading while others blossom. So be it as it be---let it be, for it will be, as it is going to be---pages turn, time stays---we go.
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